OK… I am trying to focus on writing and the wind is blowing so hard..I thought our furnace was malfunctioning and blowing super forced air through the vent. Our house is normally pretty quiet… do not hear wind… but tonight… holy shmolly… it is blowing big time. Just started—all of the sudden..The dog is pacing… and the wind smacking against the house.

So as I proceed..let’s hope the power and internet stay on. I was thinking about mental illness, and how many people suffer from it. Heck I look at this poor dog and see she even has a tad bit of mental illness . I had tried to tape a video of us trying to coax her in her crate..when she heard us say on the video to get in her house, she started trembling in here… oh I hope we can find things to work amd Oct 2011 055calm her down. This wind reminds me of what it is like to see a person ( or the dog !!) go through acute episodes of depression, anxiety or mania. It comes over them like a gust of wind, like huge waves… beating on their souls and emotions –like the wind is beating against the house.

Anxiety is a tough disorder, so is depression and mania. They all are real, and when they hit, the person going through it usually recognizes the problem and becomes more symptomatic realizing they can not stop it. It is like watching a person be a prisoner in their own body. I have taken care of patients and have been personally exposed to individuals who suffer from all of some of these illnesses. And there is nothing I can do to help when a full blown attack happens.

Oh I can try to stay calm, I can look for the sun ray through the dark cloud… but I feel inadequate, because I can not help to make to acute episodes subside. I can recognize when they are about to happen. But depending on the level of intensity they have..they can be like a tornado—taking down anything in their path.

For Riley… in the crate..when anxiety hits… NOTHING I can say or do will stop her from panting, trembling and bending the cage.

It is so opposite of her when she is not having an anxiety episode.

When I watch Mark deal with his high levels of anxiety, depression , mania—man again it hurts to watch, because there can be a path of destruction… he said the other day that it wears him out.. wears him down.

People I have met in life who have had similar disorders..they too felt at times that they were losing a grip at times.

So as the night hours begin to pass…africam 1-24-2012 011 I want to send a cyber hug out to all who suffer from mental illness…and to all who know someone with mental illness. Support them, never ever give up on them, and know that when an acute episode happens..that is when they need you most.

I learned a long time ago… that when an acute episode happens..that is when you find out who your friends are… and also who are not your friends .

I love you Mark… through your highs and your lows… you are a good man… a man passionate about your beliefs…. –It is a ride sometime s!!.

Love to all, Mrs justa alias Cindy…..

6-8-2012 Jeff and Amanda's 001Preston is home, he is not feeling 100%, still seemed kinda tired, but at least he is home. We got to spend some time watching the boys last night, it is always fun. Initially we thought ( before the hospital issues this week) to have them here for the night –but I can totally understand why his parents preferred to have them home. Man—how scary to have your little kid admitted to the hospital!

We had a fun time with the little fellows, but as I was there, watching them interact and have the ability to roam around their home where they want, I was taken back to life a few days prior when Preston, his dad and mom were in a hospital room for 2 1/2 days. 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 022

Fortunately Amanda and Jeff were able to take a few days from work to be there..But what if you could not do that? A 2 yr old can not just be told to stay in a hospital room and do not leave it

So would the hospital have to have a nurse in the room with him at all times? And then would that mean that he would have had to get used to 3 different nurses each day.

Heck, it broke my heart 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 019seeing him peering out of the glass door at the nurses walking by, looking for his parents to come back, and to just see the world moving around some.

We were in the room with him, so he and we knew he was safe… but what about all those kids who are in the hospital without that support of family.

I was thrilled he was discharged on Thursday…and I was thankful to have experienced the compassion , the professionalism, the patience of the entire staff we were exposed to there.

What an awesome place. I had never been in a Children’s Hospital before—only worked on the peds, neonate and maternity floors—that is different than this experience was.

Thanks to all who kept him in your prayers… and let’s keep praying for wisdom of doctors and nurses as they care for other sick children ….

Love to all, Mrs. justa…alias Cindy

Ya looking for a job? Well check out this site!

Yep, I spent a little while looking at all the different jobs they advertise, that I never thought about people being hired for…but after reading some of the job descriptions, I am amazed at my taking certain things for granted.

My favorite one—is the “Roadkill Collector Jobs”. Now I never knew people applied for that. I figured it was who got the shortest straw 100_4399at the DPW that day.

Dang—someone actually trains and applies for it.. Now the very disheartening part is when they talk about what they do with the road kill once they get it..

I was okay with bringing it to a landfill.. composting facilities… but A SOUP KITCHEN!!!!

there is only one word for that.. Y U C K >

I love how it says this job is not for animal lovers… So does that mean that “RoadKill Collectors” are mean heartless people? Bet that is a fun class to be a part of!.

There are other jobs there that sound kinda neat though.. An elephant trainer… how 100_3707about training to be Santa Claus… or an Elvis Impersonator… I do not know if I could survive the becoming an embalmer… although I always have done IV and blood draws well… and there are many things I just know would not be a profession I would ever have tried for. (like taxidermist, bounty hunter, bomb squad job, airplane repossession job…) I am not knocking these jobs…just I am not made for them…

Nursing has been my passion since I was 10.. my older sister was in nursing school than, and I LOVED my older sister.. She was a hero type figure in my mind.

So I am glad as I was learning different trades and talents in life..that finally I went to nursing school and fulfilled that dream…

BUT looking at this list of stuff…if I was 18 and wondering what to do with my life… there are some pretty neat things ….

I am about to call it an evening..and drift off to wherever my dreams take me…. heck last night I was with some pretty interesting people—we were working on some project..that when I woke up I felt like I had deserted my job !. Than reality hit..and I went to my I love, I am so thankful for, and one that makes Mon thru Fridays fly right by…

Good night or good day to all,

Love, Mrs. Justa alias Cindy

Ok.. so the solo for Sunday… well in addition to tossing the 2 songs , battling which one to do… Saturday I was tossing my cookies (so to speak) at about 4:30 in the afternoon. So the songs took the back seat to some funky viral GI thing I had going on.

Yep.. around 5:30 I called the Pastor—I felt really bad..both physically and commitment wise, but there was not a darn thing I could do about it.

We had gotten up Sat morning rather early… it really was a way… Brandon came next to my side of the bed… about 2 inches from my sleeping face..and said “Gamma the sun is it is time to get up.” Than hew said  “ Will you sing a song for breakfast?” I was touched…. I was trying to figure a way to settle his ready to go 3 yr old body down..and than he said.. Preston is up too. I asked if Preston woke him up, he said.. No..”I said good morning and Preston got up.”..”Can we have french toast sticks and sausage now?” So we all tried a bed cuddling session and we were up starting our day with the roosters. Lesson learned… 1) Do not tell them what breakfast is after he and his brother wake up.. 2) It is okay to tell him it is too early to get up and have him go back to bed….

By 6:00 AM The boys over 4-27-2012 002they had helped me get laundry started…

they love sitting in front of the washer and watching the clothes slosh back and forth.

Some kids like Sat morning cartoons… these guys liked Sat morning laundry.

Asking about what was happening and telling me when the soap was bubbling.


During the day I was feeling kinda tired..but thought it was just that. We were to have Jeff and Amanda come over , all have  lunch, than the kids were going to go home for nap time. Well I was feeling so tired and kind of blah..that when they kids left with their parents, I got in my PJS 100_0326and took a nap for myself. The nap went on for 24 hrs !! With the exception of getting up to throw up, or go to the bathroom.

Needless to say…. it is a heck of a weight loss plan—but I HATE..and I mean HATE throwing up. Than add to it.. once you are an older person and have a lower partial… as you are waddling to the bathroom to bless the toilet…. you have to yank the partial out of your mouth… uggg… the trials of aging.

I am feeling better than I was at 4:30 last night…looking forward to continuing to feel better. Love to all…Mrs Justa alias Cindy

sept 2011 stuff 030We live longer because we know more about how the body works, and we can do various tests to see when symptoms arise— to find an answer for those symptoms.

Being in the medical field, I appreciate what medications can do. When is it that the person is actually having symptoms based on an abnormality, and when could it possibly be due to the medication?

One has to be careful though, as medications can help…but they can hurt too.

I am watching a person who is super sensitive to meds, and who has a slew of symptoms, go through numerous tests, no answers yet, and the docs are trying to alleviate the symptoms with meds, while trying to find an answer.

For this person, it is very hard, because masking the symptoms is not working, they are still there..only adding the adverse reactions to the meds on top of the problems that the various treatments and tests are being done.

I am hoping that soon, very soon, the next few tests will indicate what is causing the symptoms, so the meds or treatments can be geared towards fixing what is wrong.

It does make sense to me to try to subside or quell the symptoms while each test is being requested and waiting for approval…. but the hurry up and wait is hard for the person going through this problem.  In a way ..wouldn’t it be nice if we could just get checked into a diagnostic type place for 2 days and let them test away. Mri here and there, blood work, diagnostic tests…and come out at the end of 2 days with an answer and a treatment plan.

I remember a very sept 2011 stuff 038long time ago I had hurt an ankle at work. I hurt it in November…and do you know… because we had to wait for comp to approve each next step… it took until the fall to have the surgery approved. By then the damage to my ankle was 10 times worse than had I just been able to get and different tests, a diagnosis and fix the darn thing.

Sometimes I think we get in our own way in the medical field. There should be a team of doctors all working together to get the answers and go forward with the treatments. What I find more- is the patient is like a racket ball that was hit hard in a small 4 walled room. Bouncing here and there..very hard to have all the points come together.

Patients need to have someone be their advocate with them…. it is not imposing on the docs—it is working to help gather information for the patient. Love to all.. Mrs Justa alias Cindy


I have been going totally bonkers trying to figure out what song I am going to sing in church on the 11th. I have about 5 I am going back and forth  with. I practice on my way to and from work. My car becomes a mobile sound studio.. music playing and me either singing the words or doing some la la la’s as I try to memorize the melody. I you are driving down 690 about 7:00 AM or a little earlier—and you see some lady belting out songs as she is driving down the highway..well that lady might just be me!

There is one song I have been working on for months.. It is super dramatic-moving..and when I get done belting it out—I can not talk for a day. I looked at the time on the radio display today and it is 5 minutes—I think that is now ruled out.. too long!But there is one—I really love it.. ( I really love all these songs..) But I think I will do it. It times out at about 3.20 minutes. I think that is better.

I LOVE to sing.. it makes me whole. We all need something we can do that makes us feel whole. Some people I think look their whole life for that something and do not find it.

Singing to me is special to me, I feel like I am an instrument. Like I am not always in control of the singing—I become the tool to present the song. I do not feel like I am special, or that I have connections—that is not what I mean—but more that we all have God given talents… we are children of God…. and I feel the ability to sing is a gift. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone- but it is how it feels. Music is a part of me…I do nto ever want to take it for granted….  I hope till the day I die, that I have the ability to sing.

About 15 years ago I had a procedure done- it was supposed to be a simple endoscopic procedure. It was winter time, and I remember he only had me take off my winter coat.. I had on my street clothes—even my boots. There was only a little lidocaine spray and absolutely NO compassion…  the doctor- he was sadistic- barbaric. and he would laugh and jam the scope into my throat each time I gagged. It was like a scene from a horror movie—but it did not end.. this guy was a creep. When he finished I remember him tugging on my shoulder and saying”So how do you like me now?” Well he had trashed my throat..I ended up with a super sore throat, high fever… and after antibiotics were done—I could not swallow any pills—they would get stuck in the back of my throat…  for a year I could not sing, I could hardly talk..and finally after months of seeing an ENT I had to have surgery to remove the damaged lingual tonsils. I felt invaded by this doctor..he took my voice… he robbed me of a part of me…. but I never ever gave up. I wept many nights in the darkness of the night..all alone and trying to figure out how and why this doctor stole a part of me…..

Every night I would pray for the ability to sing again, and if I ever was given that blessing- I promised I would sing in church . It took about another 6 months after the surgery, but slowly my throat healed, and I was able to work on singing. I remember feeling so lost without music .. it was in me but I had no way to get it out.

This experience taught me though to appreciate everything I have..and never take anything for granted… I can not every explain how totally blessed I felt when each of our kids asked me to sing a song for them in their weddings… to me—that was so special… so touching to be asked..and a miracle I had the ability to do it after that horrible medical experience.

That doctor will have to try to justify his abusive behavior at some time in his life… the hurt he caused is still in a locked box in my mind..but I would not let him win…. he became a major LOSER..I do not ever have to see him again..but he…well he has to live with himself…he has to know he is mean.

My thought for today… believe in yourself..and when you are feeling like “Why me??” turn is around and say “ I am strong.. so bring it on !”  Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

100_6065Hi everyone… boy I am glad today is through and the weekend is here. I am stopping for a moment to share some thoughts, and Than I am going to try to tackle some work I brought home.

This past week was super busy, and —it was what I kindly refer to as a “full moon syndrome week”. I mean holy cow ! Calls were weird at times, people’s questions were unusual, life this week just seemed a little crazy. I brought home about 80 questions to work on, and I should have them done before Sun evening.

Hopefully Jeff and Amanda and the kids will be out on Sunday evening, that would be a nice way to end a rather busy weekend—I am thinking about various menus types.. we will come up with something fun.

Today I was outside..and I kid you not…I ran across not one..not two but 3 women who all did the same irritating thing.100_6117 Each of them, they are outside, and let out a chest hurting sounding deep productive cough… sounded like they were hacking up their feet through their mouths,,, not even attempting to turn away, or cover their mouths… and than ( this is how I knew the coughs were productive… ) YUCK!! Need I say more???

I could not believe it,,, by the time the 3rd lady came towards me.. well I wished I had a can of Lysol… I would have sprayed it right at her and the whatever gunk she was coughing…

stock vector : Saloon inside with cowboysOk here I am … visualizing the home life for each of these 3 people. They had nothing to do with one another—it was in 3 different areas… what the heck do they do in their house? They must be a real special companion to share a meal with… I wonder if they have spittoons in their living rooms? Dang—it was gross..

(Image from shutter stock)

People need to realize how easy germs spread, and also maybe others do not want their germs. And how can they be so darned inconsiderate as to not even consider the next person who steps on their coughed up lung lining? NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I LIKE SHOES OFF before people go walking through the house!

Yucko.. I am totally grossed out… good way to change gears and get into some working by the midnight oils. Love to all… spread joy not germs… (hey that is kinda catchy… maybe it would make a good bumper sticker..!) Mrs. Justa alias Cindy.

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