I gotta tell ya, this is now rolling into my least favorite time of the year. The best thing that happened this time of year was my niece and sister were born. But I am reminded every year of the pain too.

I can not help by go back to  1963

100_002710 years old is  supposed to be a time in our lives where the road to adolescence is being paved and laid down… where Barbie dolls and Roller skates are changing to 10 speed bikes and sleep overs. When it is still okay to get tucked in at night, and you want to be brave and not have the night light on…when you knew pretty soon you no longer could sit on dads lap very comfortably, where the dreams of becoming a teenager seemed to be coming more real.

Yes… a time when life begins to change…and for me.. it changed all right.

It changed for our whole family. I’ve written about it before… and yet it all surfaces again..each year. My dad had one into the hospital –he  went in on my 10th birthday with a heart attack.

My mom was VERY pregnant and she would drive to the hospital every evening with the 5 kids in the car, she would leave us in the lobby at the hospital, and she would go up and visit him.
We were not allowed to go up there. So volunteer women would take moments to stay with us in the lobby. They brought us paper to draw on, tried to distract our worried thoughts, my sister was 11, me 10.. the next in line were my brothers 5 and 6 and my sister 2. Night after night –we would wait for mom to come down….and she would drive us home. She was due on Halloween night.  But that night came and went,… and still no baby. On November 1st… dad actually waved to us in the lawn of the hospital from way up on his hospital; floor. He looked like a small image way up there, but knowing the moving image was dad was so comforting. I remember waving so hard my whole body was twisting..I thought my arm was going to pop off…..

Than on 11-2- we went in and mom came back down after visiting and said we could go up and see  him… he was coming home in the morning… We loaded in the elevator, anxious with joy… gitty..giggling in the elevator.. the laughter kind of echoing… I remember the volunteers who had now gotten to know us pretty well..they had tears welling in their eyes as they saw our smiles…. up we went… the door opened… a wheel chair around the corner and dad was there… there was a window that the chair was put overlooked the city… each kid got to go to him, sit on his lap, hug him, tell him what ever came to mind…. laughter..I remember laughter… …and than the next. I waited in the back ground.. I wanted to be last… I remember the feeling of the strength of his hands as he held me on his lap… he had Old Spice on…I  remember the smell. I remember the secure feeling… a feeling of he hugged me , kissed me…. and said I will see you in the morning…

The ride home was like floating on a cloud… the anticipation of morning and daddy coming home was more excitement than I have had since than…

At 11 that night mom went into labor… she called a neighbor to help her get to the hospital … a different hospital.. She called our sister in nursing school to come home and be with us… she got there… it was scary… now mom was going too…. we tried to sleep… and before 7 in the morning the phone rang… oh it must be the baby news… it was a man… He asked for my mom… I said she was not there—she was having a baby… he asked who was there… I said my sister.. she was 19… he heard her voice… he asked her if she was the oldest one there..she said yes… he hung up the phone.. We were all puzzled… I remember sitting in the corner..hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.. in a trance almost… saying in a soft mumble… “Daddies dead/…daddies dead…” I did not stop… I kept saying it… and than the phone rang again…. I remember my sister kind of yelling at me to stop saying that… It was another doctor… he apologized for the previous call..and than he said… your  father died this morning…. The death of my father when I was 10 years old , changed my life forever. …Bam… our life as we knew it was changed …. my sister called the other hospital… left a message to give to our mom who was in the delivery room…. and a miracle happened… the same moment dad died..our youngest sister was born.

And than 35years later—to the day—the time.. our mom died…in her sleep….so that is why this time of year… I like to zoom by 11-3 kind of quickly. I say happy birthday to my sister… the pain and loss I have is separate from the joy of her… but it is tough.. It does not get easy…

So as these days come closer… I find myself not looking forward to the weeks to follow…and than things get better again.

Mom, Dad . I miss you so much… and Dad.. thanks for that hug and kiss on my cheek..had I known it was the last…I would have never gotten off your lap.

Ahhh… the memories are so fresh…. Take time to let those close to you know that you love them, thank them, spend time with them…. for life comes…and life goes… We have no guarantees of anything… Love to all. Mrs Justa.. alias Cindy


6-8-2012 Jeff and Amanda's 001Preston is home, he is not feeling 100%, still seemed kinda tired, but at least he is home. We got to spend some time watching the boys last night, it is always fun. Initially we thought ( before the hospital issues this week) to have them here for the night –but I can totally understand why his parents preferred to have them home. Man—how scary to have your little kid admitted to the hospital!

We had a fun time with the little fellows, but as I was there, watching them interact and have the ability to roam around their home where they want, I was taken back to life a few days prior when Preston, his dad and mom were in a hospital room for 2 1/2 days. 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 022

Fortunately Amanda and Jeff were able to take a few days from work to be there..But what if you could not do that? A 2 yr old can not just be told to stay in a hospital room and do not leave it

So would the hospital have to have a nurse in the room with him at all times? And then would that mean that he would have had to get used to 3 different nurses each day.

Heck, it broke my heart 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 019seeing him peering out of the glass door at the nurses walking by, looking for his parents to come back, and to just see the world moving around some.

We were in the room with him, so he and we knew he was safe… but what about all those kids who are in the hospital without that support of family.

I was thrilled he was discharged on Thursday…and I was thankful to have experienced the compassion , the professionalism, the patience of the entire staff we were exposed to there.

What an awesome place. I had never been in a Children’s Hospital before—only worked on the peds, neonate and maternity floors—that is different than this experience was.

Thanks to all who kept him in your prayers… and let’s keep praying for wisdom of doctors and nurses as they care for other sick children ….

Love to all, Mrs. justa…alias Cindy

This week has been kind of wacky.. we still are battling the smell of the dead something in the floor of our bathroom… it is getting better. Chipmunk, mouse..who knows what… we never see anything—but some sort of thing decided their last few moments would be spent under the vanity-which is bolted in the wall..and in there good…

Than Preston was up at the Children’s Hospital for 2 1/2 days… that too was a trying time for his parents, and all who were worried about him.

The Childrens Hospital is really amazing—sad—but amazing. We entered from the “tree 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 033house side… which was cool.. it is a glass walled tree house that looks over the city. The hospital spans from the bottom to the top of a hill.

The tree house is the part on the top of the hill. It is maybe 6 floors from ground level – So when you get off at ground level on the tree house side—it is really the 6th floor on the part at the bottom of the hill. So if you entered on the lower part of 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 036the hospital—and took the elevator to the 6th floor and walked to the tree house—you would be at that ground level.

The floor Preston was on was a nice floor- the nurses and doctors were wonderful with kids and it was neat to see how they related with the kids.

He fortunately was discharged today and is most likely sound asleep in his bed right now. He is a kid who loves to go to bed at 7:30 or 8..and he has been known to sleep thru 8 in the morning.

At the hospital he was not to leave the room. They were not sure what type of infection he had- so while they were testing him..he remained in the room..right when we got there to visit yesterday,he looked 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 014at grandpa and said “gummy bears”  Jeff began to say there were not gummy bears there..and than grandpa pulled a bag out of his pocket…well you would not believe his little smile when he realized his grandpa brought him these as a treat…



it was cute in a sad 6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 030sort of way… Jeff and Amanda had gone over for a quick bite to eat and Mark and I stayed with Preston. I was wracking my brain trying to think of a way to help him get some energy used— and asked him if he wanted to march. He said yes and we started to march- knees high around his room. To make it more interesting we moved the chair and the bed side stand in unique places- as if to have an endurance marching field. Every time we marched by the door he would stop and look out to see if mom , dad or the nurses were coming..than he would start marching with me again. Kids are resilient… they adapt to things adults would be whining and whimpering about. I think all in all he did pretty good….he is a good boy…

Brandon was missing6-6-2012 day 2 Preston in hospital 004 his brother and parent ..but he was super fun to be with… He was telling stories and blowing bubbles and making a card for his brother. He and grandpa went out for lunch and to the park.. It was a good day…yesterday..but I am sure he is glad his family is all back home today…

I am also thinking that his mom and dad are really glad they are home tonight too. Hospital events are exhausting… They have to keep an eye on Preston..but at least they can do it on their own floors—in their own rooms…

Thanks everyone for your prayers… Love to all. Mrs Justa alais Cindy

Okay, I do not often ask for people to send a prayer out for someone, but tonight our little grandson Preston is spending the first of maybe a few nights in the hospital . He was admitted this morning after the doctors decided that an infection he had was not getting better on antibiotics at home. So he was admitted and had a surgical procedure to try to remove the infection and pack the area. His parents are up with him tonight as they await the cultures. I hope they find answers and he gets home quickly.


Here he is about an hour after he returned to the room, the doctors had come in to check him out. They were trying to become his buddies and so they were asking him why he had blue lips. He was trying to explain he had a blue popsicle.

I borrowed this from his other grandmother- she posted the photo on facebook.. I did not have a camera up there with me..this was an unplanned admission.

He is at the children’s hospital in town, and it is an amazing place. These people deal with children of all ages, with all types of illnesses.What unbelievable strength they have to do what they do every day.

I am off to try to rest..kinda wired from the whole thing. Tomorrow will come soon…

Love to all. Mrs Justa alias Cindy

sept 2011 stuff 030We live longer because we know more about how the body works, and we can do various tests to see when symptoms arise— to find an answer for those symptoms.

Being in the medical field, I appreciate what medications can do. When is it that the person is actually having symptoms based on an abnormality, and when could it possibly be due to the medication?

One has to be careful though, as medications can help…but they can hurt too.

I am watching a person who is super sensitive to meds, and who has a slew of symptoms, go through numerous tests, no answers yet, and the docs are trying to alleviate the symptoms with meds, while trying to find an answer.

For this person, it is very hard, because masking the symptoms is not working, they are still there..only adding the adverse reactions to the meds on top of the problems that the various treatments and tests are being done.

I am hoping that soon, very soon, the next few tests will indicate what is causing the symptoms, so the meds or treatments can be geared towards fixing what is wrong.

It does make sense to me to try to subside or quell the symptoms while each test is being requested and waiting for approval…. but the hurry up and wait is hard for the person going through this problem.  In a way ..wouldn’t it be nice if we could just get checked into a diagnostic type place for 2 days and let them test away. Mri here and there, blood work, diagnostic tests…and come out at the end of 2 days with an answer and a treatment plan.

I remember a very sept 2011 stuff 038long time ago I had hurt an ankle at work. I hurt it in November…and do you know… because we had to wait for comp to approve each next step… it took until the fall to have the surgery approved. By then the damage to my ankle was 10 times worse than had I just been able to get and different tests, a diagnosis and fix the darn thing.

Sometimes I think we get in our own way in the medical field. There should be a team of doctors all working together to get the answers and go forward with the treatments. What I find more- is the patient is like a racket ball that was hit hard in a small 4 walled room. Bouncing here and there..very hard to have all the points come together.

Patients need to have someone be their advocate with them…. it is not imposing on the docs—it is working to help gather information for the patient. Love to all.. Mrs Justa alias Cindy

There are certain things that people say that make me really glad I am not interacting with them.

Today was a day I was super glad I was not the dental hygienist in the next room over from me. I was just leaning back, minding my own business, waiting for the dentist to come in, and this woman – in a really loud voice..kind of laughing while she talked.. said to the hygienist…”I am starting to turn my way of thinking around, so I am here for a cleaning..but I am warning you .. my mouth is really “scanky.”

I had a few thoughts at that moment..

#1) I am really glad I am here and not there…

#2)  I am not sure what scanky means..but it does not sound good

#3) How can the hygienist proceed with keeping a pleasant look on her masked,goggled face…

Now if you look up scanky in the dictionary—you have to look in an urban dictionary…

a nasty dirty lowlife female

There were other definitions that were more descriptive—but I think this gives a clear enough picture..

I am trying to focus on the music being piped over the speakers in the ceiling, but my hygienist had turned it down because it was bothering her…

The other  hygienist said calmly..”So you have not had a cleaning in the past year?” ..( I smiled to myself..thinking how calm she must be trying to keep herself—when her mind is telling her to find another profession!)

The answer… really loud and raspy..”No, not in a year..”  Than the hygienist said..”Could you estimate maybe how long it had been?”…

The answer still pretty loud and wall shaking…”OH a long time honey..maybe 20 years or so..but I am changing my life now.”

So the next obvious question “ Are you having pain or any problems?” ( good question..since something inspired her to come in for a cleaning..)..

answer..really loud..”No—just thought it was time .”

I did wonder what changed … maybe she just got insurance.. maybe she is in a new relationship.. maybe she is afraid of people seeing her teeth in a new job??

How fortunate for this poor hygienist- to be a part of a makeover. ! As I thought about what a wonderful appointment it must have been for both the employee and the patient..I was thinking about things you should not say to your dental hygienist… and that is right up there.

Dang talk about having them get out the tough picks to chip away at your teeth… maybe I would have said I have missed a few appointments..but you confess to 20 yrs or so… yikes! 

And than for the hygienist… you go to school to work in people’s mouths.. ( I admire these people—I could not spend my days 2 inches from many peoples faces..) ..and than what they must see. See I am a person who can not get “in your face”… why… cuz I start to laugh, smile..or try to hold my laugh in and all of the sudden it comes out like an explosion…. could you see me trying to focus on cleaning someone’s teeth..trying not to laugh cuz my nose is almost touching them..and than behind the mask—my cheeks filling up with air—as I try to hold in the laughter..and poof—out comes a pressurized laugh..blowing the mask off my face… NOPE do not think I would  last at that job for very long.

So hat’s off the the hygienists of the world.. I love how my teeth feel when they are through..The only way I do not laugh when they are almost kissing I close my eyes… and I do not peek…

Have a great night… and if you are a dental person.. thank you for not laughing in my face !. Mrs Justa alias Cindy

Thanks google images for the clip art


I have been going totally bonkers trying to figure out what song I am going to sing in church on the 11th. I have about 5 I am going back and forth  with. I practice on my way to and from work. My car becomes a mobile sound studio.. music playing and me either singing the words or doing some la la la’s as I try to memorize the melody. I you are driving down 690 about 7:00 AM or a little earlier—and you see some lady belting out songs as she is driving down the highway..well that lady might just be me!

There is one song I have been working on for months.. It is super dramatic-moving..and when I get done belting it out—I can not talk for a day. I looked at the time on the radio display today and it is 5 minutes—I think that is now ruled out.. too long!But there is one—I really love it.. ( I really love all these songs..) But I think I will do it. It times out at about 3.20 minutes. I think that is better.

I LOVE to sing.. it makes me whole. We all need something we can do that makes us feel whole. Some people I think look their whole life for that something and do not find it.

Singing to me is special to me, I feel like I am an instrument. Like I am not always in control of the singing—I become the tool to present the song. I do not feel like I am special, or that I have connections—that is not what I mean—but more that we all have God given talents… we are children of God…. and I feel the ability to sing is a gift. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone- but it is how it feels. Music is a part of me…I do nto ever want to take it for granted….  I hope till the day I die, that I have the ability to sing.

About 15 years ago I had a procedure done- it was supposed to be a simple endoscopic procedure. It was winter time, and I remember he only had me take off my winter coat.. I had on my street clothes—even my boots. There was only a little lidocaine spray and absolutely NO compassion…  the doctor- he was sadistic- barbaric. and he would laugh and jam the scope into my throat each time I gagged. It was like a scene from a horror movie—but it did not end.. this guy was a creep. When he finished I remember him tugging on my shoulder and saying”So how do you like me now?” Well he had trashed my throat..I ended up with a super sore throat, high fever… and after antibiotics were done—I could not swallow any pills—they would get stuck in the back of my throat…  for a year I could not sing, I could hardly talk..and finally after months of seeing an ENT I had to have surgery to remove the damaged lingual tonsils. I felt invaded by this doctor..he took my voice… he robbed me of a part of me…. but I never ever gave up. I wept many nights in the darkness of the night..all alone and trying to figure out how and why this doctor stole a part of me…..

Every night I would pray for the ability to sing again, and if I ever was given that blessing- I promised I would sing in church . It took about another 6 months after the surgery, but slowly my throat healed, and I was able to work on singing. I remember feeling so lost without music .. it was in me but I had no way to get it out.

This experience taught me though to appreciate everything I have..and never take anything for granted… I can not every explain how totally blessed I felt when each of our kids asked me to sing a song for them in their weddings… to me—that was so special… so touching to be asked..and a miracle I had the ability to do it after that horrible medical experience.

That doctor will have to try to justify his abusive behavior at some time in his life… the hurt he caused is still in a locked box in my mind..but I would not let him win…. he became a major LOSER..I do not ever have to see him again..but he…well he has to live with himself…he has to know he is mean.

My thought for today… believe in yourself..and when you are feeling like “Why me??” turn is around and say “ I am strong.. so bring it on !”  Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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