cindy


       I am sitting here listening to nothing but the hum of the modem next to me. The dog is sleeping and Mark has just said he was going to bed. I am tired, yet not feeling like I can get to bed quite yet. These last 4 months have been anything but easy for me or for Mark either. He has been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder for a long time. I am trying to pinpoint the actual diagnosis and I think it was around 2004. Before the diagnosis, there were times of extreme energy, and extreme “insight”, extreme anger, enlightening, followed by significant depression and paranoia sometimes on both sides of the spectrum.

  After the diagnosis, as we looked in the rearview mirror of our life, we realized that the times of behaviors that were not his normal self-were most likely  cycling through mania or depressions, and we could pretty much pinpoint the cycling was once every 4-5 yrs, and through the years it became more frequent, cyclical and seemed to be certain months/seasons each year.  After the diagnosis and medical treatment, 3 hospitalizations, and after trying a few types of medications, the docs for the meds that worked for him. Meds that helped to control the highs from getting too high and the lows from getting too low.

Well, this last manic episode, the current one, has been going on for 4 months, and it has been probably the most fluctuating, and high energy one yet. There have been quick decisions, fast changes, to the point that from one moment to the next it can feel like the direction changed  360 degrees. Now I am not saying the changes (as I step back and look are bad, )they are just rapid, and for a non-manic person, it is really exhausting.  I am doing my best to keep up with the latest changes, and I think when everything settles down, we won’t regret the changes, but he will be looking at it like he ran a 1000 mile marathon, and with his disabilities, that would be an impossible feat.      (20180314_193806.jpg  This photo represents the speed and number of thoughts and changes these last 4 months have been like )

Everything he has done, he has learned, he has made happen has been with the best of intention. To secure our future, our kids future, and their kids future. It has been 4 months of very little sleep, learning about how investing works, evaluating and adjusting our vehicle situation, thinking about where we live and where we may want to live in years to come, reaching out to family he had not spoken to in a very long time, realizing life is precious, and analyzing every nook and cranny of our life. He has not meant to, but cannot stop talking at times, assuming how an interaction will go that has not yet happened and having conversations with that person before the event even materializes ( if it ever will)

So that is why I am here typing,  the silence right now is priceless. I love him to pieces, and I am sure he has no idea how many words he can say in a short period of time, or how all the things that make sense to him, are hard to process for me, as his mouth cannot keep up with his mind or his thoughts. I read an article on being in a marriage with a Bipolar spouse, and one of the things mentioned is to deep breathe, well I have been a deep breather for a long time, but I have taken it to new levels, my lungs have got to be the clearest they have ever been.  All of the symptoms mentioned he has displayed, and FINALLY, I feel we are starting to calm the symptoms down. It has got to do a number on his body, the non stop everything, the emotions from ecstatic to such anger and rage, the lack of sleep, the continuing fast pace of his brain, and feeling like he is in a fog at times, that all has to take a toll on one’s body.

  HE tries frequently to take off for a bit to give me a break, and even though it is nice he does that, the mania can contribute to more new ideas, more changes. He will take his kindle and cell phone and head off to the library, or Dunkin Donuts and work on things he is doing there.

His doctor just doubled his one medication, and that is slowly working so he can sleep through the night. Last night was the first night he slept more than 2-3 hrs. Yeah, I think he actually slept for 7 hrs last night. I too was sleeping, as it has been a ride and a half. He said he does not feel as scattered or spinning as he has been. He tries to appreciate my needs during the day, but it is not easy for him.    I have learned many times over that Bipolar is not able to be managed without professional care. That med management or therapy might each work, but for the best care, you need both. The therapist should be one who understands bipolar disorder and also how it affects people in different phases of their life. As a person ages, the disorder takes on different characteristics, at least that is what I am witnessing.

 The internet is such a wealth of information, and there are forums and support groups for anything you can think of, BUT I do feel the internet can also be a trigger for the mania to be refed as it is trying to slow down. There is so much coming at us from all kinds of areas, it can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.

So as I sit here in silence, I am thankful he can sleep, I am spending some time praying, talking to God, I am trying to gather my thoughts and I am thankful for all the positive things that have happened and also thankful for the support of our family members who have been there through all of this. It has not been easy, not for me, or for him. Thank God for our children, for our grandkids, for his mom, for our children’s spouses, for our friends who understand and for our church.

 One of the MANY things that have been accomplished in a very short period of time, is he signed up for a domain name and will have a website up and running hopefully in a few weeks. We need to take time to dedicate solely to that, to design the web pages and have the platform for him, for me, for others to post on and for him to share some of his thoughts, some of his experiences, some of him that is what makes him the incredible person that he is. So be watching for his blogs to start on his very own website in weeks to come.  There will be things written, that come from his mind through his hands and end up as words on the screen, things that I do not know, things that show what makes him who he is.      So thanks for reading this, thanks for your time. Say a prayer that the meds will continue to slow him down a bit so he can see the world,  so he can stop and hear things being said, so he can stop and see all the gifts God gives us every single minute, every single breath, every single day.

Until later….                                     Mrs Justa  is signing off.

 

 

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WE ARE SO DARN DEPENDANT ON TECHNOLOGY AND ELECTRICITY..THAT WHEN THINGS ARE NOT THERE… NOT WORKING RIGHT..IT IS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK OUR ARMS, LEGS AND MOUTHS.

It is true… about 5 weeks ago we looked at our cable bill for the zillionth time, and saw once again it was a little higher. 200.00 a month for cable, high speed internet and digital phone. As we were still thinking about the bill.. low and behold..an ad came in the mail for Direct TV, and than through a local provider- high speed internet and phone—for less than 90.00 a month. Ohh this was a tough choice… we live in the country..we gets LOTS of snow… we have high winds… what would a Dish be like? Well within a week from this thought we had a dish bolted in our roof and a local company wiring us for their internet and phone package. WELL>>>> the internet would not stay on… the phone became full of super static. A repair guy came out, said he fixed it.. yet still cutting on and off. Within a 4-5 week period it had cut on and off over 100 times. So a guy came back yesterday—found an intermittent problem.. and here I am… finally on line long enough to get a post in.

SO for the last 15 hrs or so… we are okay. Let’s see if it is fixed. If not it is going to be a LONG 1 yr contract.

For my birthday we went out and got a 32 inch flat screen tv. It will be in Friday. It is not a bad deal, they were running a sale… . Although…. in a store with 80 inch TVs ..this looked kinda small. But measuring it, and measuring what we have now—it is going to be a little bigger !. The picture is really clear and sharp.. we will be able to tell a difference..but the one we have now has a remarkable picture.. nothing wrong with it… I just thought it would be neat  to try a flat screen. 100_0020

We were tempted to get a HUIGE one.. but why go into debt for a TV??

I will have to do a little promotion or complaint on it once it is running.  I will try to get back on tomorrow… gotta do quite a bit of stuff around here.. but I will try.

Sorry I have not posted— but now you know why… Have a good night… Love to all. Mrs Justa alias Cindy

Oswego NY  6-11-12 012We are going to be camping in a KOA in the very near future. We camped there once before MANY years ago. We went to check it out and it seemed more crammed together this time. I think it was probably 20 ish yrs ago – and I remember it being clean—but not crammed.

It should be interesting to see how crammed—or uncrammed it is on a week day. We did check it out on a weekend day..and there was a lot going on in the area. So maybe when we get there it will be different.

I am bumming— Jeff and Amanda were going to spend the 3 days with us, but have had to cancel because of the kids having a viral infection that is pretty contagious. I hope we can try to schedule something later in the summer—even close by—where we can spend some quality time together. It is tough with popping in here and there..moments at a time. When we go camping—the distractions and responsibilities change some—I personally can relax and focus just on them , Mark and now the dog.

We are going to have one evening when we are there with Adrianne, Josh, Mackenzie, Caleb, Emily and Craig. That should be fun. We had seen them all this past weekend—but it was at a birthday party for Mackenzie..lots of people..lots of stuff going on…not the environment to have one on one…

When our kids were young we loved the KOA. They were clean, had a rec hall, pool, areas to walk around, and lots of people caring for the campground. Hopefully this will be the same experience we have once we have our 3 days there.

Last night we left my car off at the dealer. Occasionally we were experiencing the transmission slipping . I have a 100,000 mile warranty..and even though the car was drivable—it was telling us it was not feeling very good. So I had it in there last week for a strange noise ( vacuum sounding noise –which they could not figure out what I had heard) and I mentioned the transmission intermittent issue… they made an appointment for today. Well they just called… I need a new transmission. BOY AM I GLAD we took it in now !! I do not remember the cost with the warranty—100 or 200 dollars..but that is a heck of a lot cheaper than a transmission. Heck we want to keep this car going for a while… I put about 26,000 miles a yr on a car driving to and from work…

People say to NEVER get a warranty… well I have not had any regrets for any warranty we have ever purchased. Mark said to me today that I always get my money’s worth with my warranties… work amd Oct 2011 055

It is hot, muggy..and still no rain..the garden has been a huge disappointment this year…maybe we will get some tomatoes—but unsure right now—they all have black bottoms… Probably form the lack of rain and tons of sun. I am off to water the garden, talk to it and say a few prayers.. Have a great day, Love to all, Mrs justa…alias Cindy

Riley comes home 6-29-2012 022

Riley is our new “daughter”. She came home today from the SPCA.

Riley’s story is kind of sad…and I hope she believes it now has a happy ending to it!.

Riley is estimated between 2-3 yrs old. .. she was found as a stray.

She was brought to the SPCA , they not really knowing anything about her,had to put her through the screening and testing to make sure she was healthy..and than put in a kennel for possible adoption. A week or so after she arrived—her family came in to look for a dog… can you imagine how happy Riley was when she saw her family found her!!! but instead of them paying a fee to get her back..they left her there , telling the place “they can keep her” .

When we met her, she was the only Riley comes home 6-29-2012 009dog that did not bark..she just sat, smiling, looking at the door, I truly believe looking for her family to come back in again… . I guess we need to thank her owners for being such irresponsible, uncompassionate people. Riley deserves more than being left behind like that! The Lord works in mysterious ways..and for Riley.. I am convinced there was some divine intervention in this last 72 hrs…. I just do not understand how anyone can find their pet..and leave them.  And I wonder how she became stray…. she does not run away from us…she is very well behaved on a leash…

When Mark and I individually saw her on Weds—we both agreed we liked her. She was spayed on Thursday, and is our dog today.

She rode in the car wonderfully…

she went into Pet smart—never barked or  bothered by other dogs in there…and she let a representative from the store work with her for quite a long time , trying on various harnesses. She just kept standing still..than stepping in and out of the harnesses..We were amazed… Here at home—she has not yet barked.. we do not know her signs for “I gotta go out NOW” but I am sure we will learn them soon.. We just bring her out every 30-45 minutes and praise her when she goes… She is having trouble with her digestive system.. both ends—but we are wondering if it is not the after effects of the anesthesia from yesterday..and the stress of being adopted today.

She and the cat had NO problems…Riley comes home 6-29-2012 026                                                                                                     

we love this picture..it is like the cat is telling the secrets of the house…I can hear their conversation…”See the guy—he is EASY!! but the lady.. she is a not as easy to manipulate..”

This weekend we had camping reservations- we were supposed to leave this afternoon…but with this new addition to our family—we decided to postpone arrival till morning… well the camp site said with it being a Holiday weekend—we had to be there by 10 this evening—or loose the camp site. It was not fair to the dog to take her up there 3 hrs after we picked her up so we decided to cancel our weekend camping trip because she needs to adjust to one place at a time. Riley comes home 6-29-2012 039

It is all for the better—we can watch the dog—try to see her cues, not worry about her getting over stimulated at a packed camp grounds..and we can work with her to teach her all the ok and not so ok things to do around here.

SO here is the start of yet another of Mark and Cindy’s wonderful adventures…. hang on… ya just never know what kind of stuff flows our way… Love to all, Mrs justa alias Cindy..

Sept sky fog 015Listen to the news , listen to the talk shows…and than wonder what we are trying to save anything for ..

I heard today that there was an article stating  that we are using the earth up so fast, that by 2018 we will need 2 worlds to live on… OK..I am having trouble believing this… and if it is try—to hell with the 401K plan and Roth IRA…to hell with worrying about that the Pres is gonna do next… to hell with worrying about retirement.. HECK—  –pack your bag—lets go have a wild exciting vacation.

The is a song Ann Murray did back in the 70s called “A Little Good News” and it is about the doom, gloom and hopelessness the world is in..and how nice it would be to get a paper—or see the evening news..and have it be about HAPPY things. Like children playing, or special scenery…and not the downing news of depression, recession, icebergs melting, gas being used to much….

I can not believe the nay-sayers… because what if they are wrong… So unpack your bags..maybe we can go grab a coffee at Dunkin Donuts and get our AARP/ senior discount!. We have to all be conservative in our use of energy, in food, in our wants versus our needs… and than we have to all rally together for a common goal…

To me… I am amazed that theSept sky fog 029 sun comes up each day… that flowers bloom, that babies are born, that there is a big world out there and we need to respect it…

So go gently thru the grass, drive carefully to your places you go… and keep talk radio off the radio….man it can scare the beejeebers outta ya!..

Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

I really do not understand how lending places can say you are getting only 3.5 % interest—and than you look at the payments and you are paying pennies off the principal and the rest is interest!. It looks more like 70% interest.

We have one payment—699.11 a month— 104..00 goes to the principal. Another ..246.86 payment… 92.00 to the actual loan… THE REST is interest!…

GRRR> It is just so lopsided— imageI know it is so the lenders get all their interest up front—but how is that legal? Dang—if something happened and 7 yrs into it you had to sell… whatever you have is 7 yrs older and you owe what you did when it was new !!

It takes a really long time to pay down a loan at that rate !.

But that is how they do it.. I am hoping as the loans get older the interest will be next to nothing and the payment will be actually taking down the loan!

So on the one loan …. I did some calculating ..and if we pd the 246 per mos—and than an additional 246. per month—the 14 yrs left on the loan would be less than 6. Now that is kind of enticing…

The other one… uggg… that has 27 yrs left on it…. so we have been trying to pay extra on that one.. slowly we are lessening the time left on it.

I love how the sales talk is –only so much a month—and we can get you into a brand new car… or a unbelievable deal on a home, or this or that… but when you loo at the contract—and see how much goes to interest if you pay the loan for the full time… man— it double the cost of the loan… ( does not seem right when it is a great 3.5% interest..??) I just wish the 401 Ks and Roth IRAs did the same thing… But their 3.5% a yr is definitely not inflated !.

Money… it can drive ya nuts…. and tonight… it is driving me bonkers..

Just does not make sense… clip art from M.S word and free clip art on google images.

Love to all…. ( can ya tell we just pd bills tonight?) Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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