Quality not Quantity

I often find my mind taking me back in time, and remember that through most of the years of my life, it was the times spent with the special men in my life, not the times away from that I remember most. As a very young girl, it was my dad. He was the comfort, the strength, a gift. His job had him away during the week and home on Thurs nights and back out on a short sales run, returning usually Friday nights.

Our time together meant everything to me. I remember his hand holding mine securely, his voice was deep, his love for all of us was unending. I remember his hugs, his laughter.

He used to say I was his princess. I remember how he tried to take time for each of us. and my time I saved in a vault in my mind, in my heart. It brings me comfort in so many ways.

I remember how he was one who would remind me through the years he was alive, that life never promised to be all good, bad things happen, and that somehow the bad turns into good again.

Karen was 10 years older than me, and it is funny in the couple of pictures I have of her with me and dad, she is always looking back at me. I can only imagine I was a chatty little one.

We all remember dad in different ways I am sure. Karen was 10 when I was born, so she already had 10 years of memories before my dad times started.

Pam my next older sister was 1 1/2 yrs older than me. She and I had a lot of fun and not so fun times, just due to age, and I always felt a tad bit of jealousy from her. She too had memories of dad, and dads death took a really bad toll on her. To the point that as an adult woman, every anniversary of his death she would end up in a severe depression. Sometimes to the point of needing an inpatient admission to help her get to the other side.

As I got older, there have been men in my life who also had employment that required they be gone a good percentage of the weeks. I never ever regretted that, I accepted it without any second thought, because the time they were home, was valuable, treasured and never taken for granted. It is not the amount of time spent, it is how we use the time when we have it to spend. To be constantly together, 24/7; I think it becomes an expectation, I think there are moments that would be more special if they were not routine.

During the first 10 years of my life, I remember my mom, however times I remember more vividly are those in which my mom and dad were there. I wonder often how life would have been had he not died when I was 10. Time with dad, it was quality time, the pieces fit together.

As I look back on my own adult life, Mark was away often for his job, just like my dad was. It was how life was. When our own kids were growing up- we tried to spend quality time with them when Mark was home. We would go to some places – often places that did not cost a penny, yet their value priceless. Walks in parks, sitting on docks, camping in our pup tents, later advancing to pop-ups. Playing ball, frisbee, Yahtzee, the list goes on.

And now the times with our grandchildren, the moments are treasured, they are not routine, and we do things with them. It is the special times, times giving of oneself and really focusing on the other person, those are quality times.

AS I am off for a new week, I am going to work on quality and not quantity…

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

“Times of our Lives”

There was a very popular song from the mid-1970s that Paul Anka had done and Kodak used it as an advertising jingle. The lyrics are very meaningful to me- and as I take photographs and look at photos from times gone by, as I reminisce on times captured in the Windows or my mind and heart, well this melody and its’  words- it plays in my head.

“Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it’s hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember?

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you’ve seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life? ………..

Reach out for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The memories are times that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
…….. will you remember
The times of your life?

……….
Do you remember the times of your life?”

For me, as this weekend with family enters its last day and a half, the moments already created and those yet to come, I want to remember the laughter, the realization that we were all placed in the places we are now, because of the roads we have traveled. My wish is that everyone has those moments, those “TImes of Your Life”, that can play over and over again as the days become moments in our journey, little monuments or landscapes.

Until later, Mrs. Justa alias Cindy

 

Mrs Justa and getting through the next few weeks…

I gotta tell ya, this is now rolling into my least favorite time of the year. The best thing that happened this time of year was my niece and sister were born. But I am reminded every year of the pain too.

I can not help by go back to  1963

10 years old is  supposed to be a time in our lives where the road to adolescence is being paved and laid down… where Barbie dolls and Roller skates are changing to 10 speed bikes and sleep overs. When it is still okay to get tucked in at night, and you want to be brave and not have the night light on…when you knew pretty soon you no longer could sit on dads lap very comfortably, where the dreams of becoming a teenager seemed to be coming more real.

Yes… a time when life begins to change…and for me.. it changed all right.

It changed for our whole family. I’ve written about it before… and yet it all surfaces again..each year. My dad had one into the hospital –he  went in on my 10th birthday with a heart attack.

My mom was VERY pregnant and she would drive to the hospital every evening with the 5 kids in the car, she would leave us in the lobby at the hospital, and she would go up and visit him.
We were not allowed to go up there. So volunteer women would take moments to stay with us in the lobby. They brought us paper to draw on, tried to distract our worried thoughts, my sister was 11, me 10.. the next in line were my brothers 5 and 6 and my sister 2. Night after night –we would wait for mom to come down….and she would drive us home. She was due on Halloween night.  But that night came and went,… and still no baby. On November 1st… dad actually waved to us in the lawn of the hospital from way up on his hospital; floor. He looked like a small image way up there, but knowing the moving image was dad was so warming..so comforting. I remember waving so hard my whole body was twisting..I thought my arm was going to pop off…..

Than on 11-2- we went in and mom came back down after visiting and said we could go up and see  him… he was coming home in the morning… We loaded in the elevator, anxious with joy… gitty..giggling in the elevator.. the laughter kind of echoing… I remember the volunteers who had now gotten to know us pretty well..they had tears welling in their eyes as they saw our smiles…. up we went… the door opened… a wheel chair around the corner and dad was there… there was a window that the chair was put by..it overlooked the city… each kid got to go to him, sit on his lap, hug him, tell him what ever came to mind…. laughter..I remember laughter… …and than the next. I waited in the back ground.. I wanted to be last… I remember the feeling of the strength of his hands as he held me on his lap… he had Old Spice on…I  remember the smell. I remember the secure feeling… a feeling of safety..as he hugged me , kissed me…. and said I will see you in the morning Princess…

The ride home was like floating on a cloud… the anticipation of morning and daddy coming home was more excitement than I have had since than…

At 11 that night mom went into labor… she called a neighbor to help her get to the hospital … a different hospital.. She called our sister Karen in nursing school to come home and be with us… she got there… it was scary… now mom was going too…. we tried to sleep… and before 7 in the morning the phone rang… oh it must be the baby news… I anxiously grabbed the phone, it was a man… He asked for my mom… I said she was not there—she was having a baby… he asked who was there… I said my sister.. he heard her voice… he asked her if she was the oldest one there..she said yes ( she was 19… )… he hung up the phone.. We were all puzzled… I remember sitting in the corner, feeling scared, lost, ..hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.. in a trance almost… saying in a soft mumble… “Daddies dead/…daddies dead…” I did not stop… I kept saying it… and than the phone rang again…. I remember my sister Pam( she was 11) kind of yelling at me to stop saying that… It was another doctor… he apologized for the previous call..and than he said… your father died this morning…. The death of my father when I was 10 years old , changed my life forever. …Bam… our life as we knew it was changed …. Karen called the other hospital, the one where our mom was delivering our new sister or brother…  she left a message to give to our mom who was in the delivery room…. and a miracle happened… the same moment dad died..our youngest sister was born.

And than 35years later—to the day—the time.. our mom died…in her sleep….so that is why this time of year… I like to zoom by 11-3 kind of quickly. I say happy birthday to my sister… the pain and loss I have is separate from the joy of her… but it is tough.. It does not get easy…

So as these days come closer… I find myself not looking forward to the weeks to follow…and than things get better again.

Mom, Dad . I miss you so much… and Dad.. thanks for that hug and kiss on my cheek..had I known it was the last…I would have never gotten off your lap.

Ahhh… the memories are so fresh…. Take time to let those close to you know that you love them, thank them, spend time with them…. for life comes…and life goes… We have no guarantees of anything… Love to all. Mrs Justa.. alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and a homecoming and Riley update

On our way to the family reunion last week we had to stop and fuel the pick up. As I sat in the truck with Riley, a van pulled up. It was heart warming and brought things in perspective as I thought about these people who got out of the van. A woman, a teenage daughter and a couple of young kids.  “Daddy” was driving…

How surreal it must be for a military person when they are taken out of the regimen of being deployed to who knows where, seeing who knows what, for a very long time… and than all of the sudden..poof—you are all of the sudden  into a life you had put on hold…a role that was natural..but must feel kind of awkward initially. 

Heck I remember when Mark would be gone for a week.. and than come back on the weekend—the kids waiting for his arrival so we could all do stuff together..and for me..I was just over living a week solo with one child..and now to adjust to 2 parents and 2 kids. These guys and gals are gone for months on end..

It was neat to see..yet sad in a way..for the emotions, the memories, the longing to be together are all components that need to be balanced and dealt with.  I hope they are adjusting and okay…

Riley is getting stronger every day. Her vet appnt on Tues. evening was a meet and greet—and because her appetite and drinking water were less than good. She had bouts of diarrhea and we wanted her checked out. The vet checked her over pretty thoroughly and feels that Riley is having some psychological issues that are causing her the lack of eating and drinking. The vet went and got a 101 Dalmatians kids plate with some morsels of food and a couple of apple/cinnamon dog biscuits… the dog literally inhaled the food. ( This was like taking your car to the shop and it won’t do what it was doing for you…) The vet actually says that she believes the dog is associating the dog dish with the kennel and all the trauma she has gone through with being abandoned/lost.. and living in the kennel, …. so on the way home we got her her very own Corelle plate and she is eating like crazy. She had lost 2 pounds the first 8 days we had her..but I believe she is on the road to being healthy now.  We did find out she in not a puggle ( beagle pug mix) instead she looks to be a Beagle Boxer mix.  She is the most friendly, gentle dog I think I have ever run across. We are blessed to have her.. She and the cat get along… that is until tonight…. If the cat sees that Riley has decided to sleep in the cats bed… there may be some tension from the black cat !!.

This evening we are in the office after going up to the lake at sunset..and Riley was laying on the floor… she had to pee—so I let her out..when she came back in the office she leaped into the crib… Imus is unaware at this point..but I have a feeling there will be some groans once this new situation  is discovered!.

As Mark says.. “She’s got the life of Riley!!”

Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and Father’s Day

Being a parent means we protect our children when they are young. We want to make the world safe for them and we want to guide them through their years of youth. I was reminded of this today , we went to Alexandria Bay , and we took an Uncle Sam’s Boat tour around some of the Thousand Islands. As we were Boat touring around, a rather large ship came towards us..I took this photo- to me it represents that protective, loyalty of a parent. This ship never once made this eagle leave it’s nest on the top of this buoy….

Father’s Day is here. And well it has been now 48 years since I last had the chance to give my dad a hug, or sit on his lap, or tell him I loved him… 48 years ! That is a long time.. In years it is a long time..but in memories it seems much less.

His teachings are instilled in me, his reprimands when I was doing something wrong-well they made me who I am… and the one thing that totally amazed me is not once in my short time of life with him, did I ever hear my mom and dad argue, disagree, or get angry with one another. They loved us equally, they supported each other, and they never got in the way of the others disciplining one of us. As the years have passed..I think about how unusual that is..how magical it is.

AS we sailed around the islands I was thinking about dad, and as I carefully  held onto the camera,I  did not lean over the railing, I walked slowly carefully  looking at where I was going.. I smiled..because that was my dad talking to me…from the corners of my mind..

I love you dad !. Happy Father’s Day to all… Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and heredity or coincidence?

I would not believe it..but  yikes…It runs in the family… playing, rough housing and than falling on your face…. …

As Brandon will say.. “Happens”  as he lifts his hands and shrugs his shoulders… “Happens Gamma”

Here I am, 3 years old, I was all washed and dressed in a pretty dress… the photographer had not yet arrived at our apartment to do family photos…

who was rough housing and running around  and around…. hmmmm…. ME!!!

My mom and dad heard a blood curdling scream right after a thud… and well the pretty dress was blood coated, my face was red from tears , and the photographer was pulling in the driveway…

So mom whisked me off, cleaned me up, found a dress for me to wear and somehow.. they got me to smile. Fat lip and all !.

Tick Tick Tick… time flies by… and poof…now I have a son….

 Jeff is 3… We have made arrangements to go to the media days at Johnson Park … and don’t cha know it..the day before… Jeff is rough housing.. running and bam….falls on his face….he got his front teeth loose, skinned his nose and upper lip… was sore….

BUT

We were able to go the next day…, we got to watch Pete marching for New Channels, we got to watch the festivities… Jeff’s face was super sore….

Now tick

           tick

                     tick in time….

now Jeff has a 3 yr old son.… and—you guessed it….during a rough housing session with his little brother and dad..one second everyone is laughing and having a wild time… the next second …. poof…… a slipped move..and this little guy lost a tooth !.

He really does not look too bad for having a tooth fall out… and his spirit is pretty good …but Now the face smashing tradition lives on…

HMMM will Jeff and Amanda’s 1 yr old hit his face when he is three?

I did not think fat lips were hereditary… but now I wonder???

It is strange, because when stuff like this happens… the kid has the physical injury..the child cries at first…. then settles down some…but the parent feels a zillion times worse…it hurts to see your kid get hurt….you relive the cry… the incident… you wish time could go backwards…. but we can not all live in bubble cages… to live..there is a chance of getting hurt…The dentist told them he sees LOTS of little boys who bump their faces and lose a tooth.

Life is full of bumps and bruises… and kids will get hurt no matter how hard we try to protect them. Like my new famous philosopher says… “Happens Gamma… Happens”

Sleep tight little man… be strong…. you look kinda cute with your front tooth out!. Thankfully  you did not get more injured- you are a tough little guy !.. Tonight this post is dedicated to you!

Love to all. Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and puzzle in life

Life can be a jumbled bunch of puzzle pieces- they begin to look alike but do not fit in the right places.

I was going over a health care plan with a friend who is looking to see if her live in boyfriend would be covered under her plan. They are expecting a child and she was wondering if she could go with a family plan…. 

Well we scanned over the eligibility part of her plan, and we got thrilled to see it covered spouses, children and domestic partners. We thought this is great. He is self employed, a really hard working guy, and has not the money to afford a single health plan on his own.

We started to read the details of the plan ..only to find out the those pieces of the puzzle we thought fit…well they do not fit. Why???because to have domestic partner coverage—it has to be someone of the same sex.

I was floored…. I am not criticizing people who chose to live with lovers of the same sex—and the way of the world is more and more rights for the gay and lesbian people..but to discriminate on a heterosexual no married couple ! This plan  makes the heterosexual committed live together couples impossible to get health insurance..but if you are homosexual and live in committed to one another—than bam—health insurance is a non issue. And if you are a woman, you can have coverage for a child— but only for the other parent if they are another person of the same sex… I am amazed—I mean how is this right? The intent of this is not to say if homosexuality is appropriate or not… or if living together heterosexually is okay without marriage… but the scales on this health plan are definitely unbalanced.

Pieces of puzzles in life—it is nice what they line up, they interlock, and start to make a picture. Like at Christmas time, when the cards come in and everyone’s life’s pieces are shared with a moment of cheer.They interlock together in emotion, in the moment of realizing there are people out in the world who care for you and you for them….

There are so many loop holes in life though, as I look at the news..at the percentage of nay-sayers, ..at the evil and hatred in the world… I feel we have puzzle pieces that fell out of different boxes..and to not get caught –someone picked them all up and threw them in the same box. Patience will help to get each piece together… wisdom and looking for sunshine behind the darkness. We need to try less hard to make the fairness in the world, for just like in this person’s insurance issue—we have worked so hard to show a smaller percentage of people they are treated fairly—that we totally overlooked a much larger percentage.

There has to be a way to balance the scales, to work for the good of all, and to bring opportunities for good work to all… Oh what a blessing that would be… May you find pieces that will fit together…Love Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa the snow storm–not as bad as predicted….

Well the winds are still whipping, but they are coming so hard that any snow we got here at the house has blown across the pavement on the main road. The roof is pretty much cleared off, and the driveway and steps are pretty slick- kinda like they were sand polished with all the blowing of snow.

We were lucky though…we did not get the foot to 1 1/2 feet it sounded like we might. I have no idea how much snow came—cuz the wind took it away.

This just might be the last doozy of a storm- heck March in Thursday…

I could not believe all the laundry I had to do.. gee! I did all the throw rugs, the weekly laundry, sheet towels and stuff, and a comforter.

I just heard the dryer go off for the last time.. Phew…

Now I can focus on not listening to the dryer singing it’s little jingle every time it is done. it is kind of a peppy song, like a clown song…

Needless to say..my work out was here…. cleaning, steamed all the linoleum floors, laundry , standing crunches , toe touches and the KETTLE BALL>

Now this little guy may not look harmful- but after doing reps up , down, sideways, over the head, swinging squats..well I am a bit sore.

I kettle balled during Marks nap, and during cooking time for dinner… so I got it in 2 times today… I can not believe how ruthless this contraption is !

Tomorrow is the gym though… need to get some cardio in. The weather should be better – and I am thinking bike, elliptical and treadmill for tomorrow. This week I ended up doing lunch time walks on the days I did not hit the gym…I prefer the gym… I really love going to the gym.

As I was going around the house dusting, cleaning and doing laundry… I came upon this guy..he is perched on the head board of the twin bed Brandon sleeps in when he has been over….it is like this little guy is watching over him while he sleeps. As I looked at the face I thought how nice it would be to have the comfort of that cuddly little face staring at me. It is as if to say everything is okay…

AS I moseyed around I saw another comforting little face… this one is lives in the crib.. Same comforting look though… watching the world to keep things safe as the sleepiness turns into slumber…

It brought me back to my younger days when my mom and or dad ( on the very few days he was not traveling for his job) would come in my room , sit on the side of my bed and tell me a story.  Than as they got up to leave, they always bent over and gave me a hug and kiss, and tucked me in…the comfort of being snug in the bed.. sheets and blankets taut ….a crisp pillow hugging my head and shoulders…. and knowing I was loved….

It saddens me to think there are kids out there without that experience. It comforts me though to also know there are children who will have the same memories as I do…Bedtime is a special time..it is the gateway to sleep… the ending of a day.

I hope you have a good night…. here is a cyber tuck in…

Love to all.. Mrs. Justa alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and Father’s Day…

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads.. natural dads, step dad, there to help as a dad-dads.

Today was your day. I hope it was a nice one, you deserve it !

Dad’s Day at our house was really neat. We had a nice time.

I had asked Amanda if she thought she and Jeff and kids could come out on Sunday for a cook out. She needed to check, as they have a zillion things going on, life just goes too fast for our own good sometimes.

Well she was able to check and did find out Sunday late afternoon/early evening was able to coordinate with me. So than I called Adrianne and asked if she and her hubby and daughter could come out for Father’s Day- as a surprise. She said yes ..so my plan was underway.I figured they would arrive and Mark would look out and be surprised the were there in our driveway,,but it worked out even better.

Mark had gone in to take a nap and  was cutting some serious “zzzzzsss”… so they arrive, I signaled to them that he was sleeping and so they came in real quietly and than I pointed to the bedroom and suggested they go in a wake him up.

He had no idea they were coming, so it was kinda “Sci Fi” looking as Mark opened his eyes and his brain was trying to make sense of why his daughter was standing next to him, as she held her daughter.

A great surprise..and Jeff and Amanda were able to come out so Father’s Day was grandfathers day too !! He not only got to spend time with our kids,,,, but with all our grandkids too. We had plenty of food, laughter and special moments.

AS I listened to them all enjoy one another, and I listened to our kids talking to each other, it reminded me of all the years we had as our kids were growing up. Oh how I have cherished those moments deep in my soul….

being a grandparent is way cool…. being a parent—well to me it was a blessing entrusted in me, that I have done the best I could with the responsibility.

Happy Father’s Day to all… and to my dad…. Man am I thankful you were my dad and sorry we only had 10 years together on earth… I miss you and love you dad !!

Love to all, Mrs Justa.. Alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and comfort

What brings you comfort at the end of the day?

What brings you comfort when just want to stop

and take a breather in life?

Where can you go to find consolation?

And how come a 6 month old can find that comfort that many of us are looking for?

To have a daddies lap to find security on, to feel the strength and protection of a parent, to have a crook of daddies arm to mold into and be rocked .

As we age- we do not have these safety nets any more. We seem to have to be strong and find the comfort in ourselves.

It is funny how each of us deal with the tribulations of life. It would be kinda weird if thumb sucking was what people did from birth till death,

Can you imagine driving in a traffic jam and looking in the next vehicle to see the driver sucking his / her thumb?

Or when you get called in the office to discuss something at work- to pop the ol thumb in your mouth.

I bet things would be calmer if we all did.

Instead , adults get vocal, some yell, some get all teary eyed, some get nasty.

I think we need to relook at how we handle stress, handle challenges, handle disappointments—- we need to look at the adversities of life as a way to make us stronger. Maybe we need to look at them as chance to make a difference.

We need to take our proverbial thumb and find the same comfort that Preston found in his tonight.

A nice evening was spent with the grandbabies and Jeff and Amanda… yes a nice evening…. ended in a nice thumb sucking for Preston, and a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie

made for Brandon- just the perfect size for his little hands,

and fresh coffee and hot chocolate for the parents and grandparents…

We live a pretty quiet life out here in the boonies-

and for a little while this room was filled with the wonder of life,

the innocence of a baby,

the magic of a 2 year old, the love shared by all.

A nice change, a nice reflection of how our lives were filled with toddlers and challenges 25 years ago.

And as the kids pack up their kids and head south to home… I have to say, I once again feel blessed.

I thank God for all I have learned , loved, lost, and all the challenges in life.

Have a good night, Love Mrs. Justa alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and the heart within

I was working out tonight and had my MP3 player cranking tunes into my soul and these lyrics from a Stephen Bishop song have stuck there, deep.

.they were

“ No one can tell you what to do

                     Only the heart within you”

That got my ol’ mind reflecting on life, reflecting on the way we do things and why we do what we do. I think at times there is a tendency to blame others for our actions, but that is a “cop-out” really. It is hard to fight peer pressure, spouse pressure, life pressure, friend pressure. It is hard at different times in life to act the way your brain and your heart say you should.

I somehow somewhere in my past learned that if my knowings and my feelings did not match, than do not proceed.

Today marks the day of both of my parents death. Today is a day I make sure I am awake before 6:30 AM, as each of them died at 6:30 in the morning. So for me, I just like to be vertical before that time. It is a time I dread every night on the 2nd when I go to sleep, hoping that my fate is not the same as mom and dad’s fate was. But as I think of them and all the things I learned throughout life, I must have learned about knowings and feelings from them.

My dad, he was my hero, he was someone I missed when he traveled about as a traveling salesman. He was not home much, and when he was, I wished I could have just had him for me. But alas, he had a wife he cherished and at the time of his death 5 young kids at home, a daughter in nursing school and 2 more sons older and on their own. So to me he was huge, I could focus on only him…. but I think to him I was part of a much larger equation. Everyone wanted a part of him. He died when I was 10, in 1963, I miss him still so much, if I let myself, I could still cry over his death.

My mom, she taught us all a lot about life, how to be tough, how to hold in emotions, how to behave properly, not to lie, to share, to care, to nurture, to face the obstacles along the road of life and deal with them. To hold your head high no matter how tired or weak you feel. I truly believe her whole life she lived with her knowings and feelings meeting. She gave even when she had nothing to give with, her wisdom was infinite, and her smirk she would get as she threw a one liner out, it was priceless. She was hurt by life and by her family more often than I like to admit, because she endured what was dished out, and very seldom mentioned if we hurt her . I miss her too, so much I had to tell her, had to do with her…she died 12 years ago today.

Death takes away the physical person, but the heart part, the soul part, the life’s lessons they taught us part, that does not die. This song’s lyrics made them both very alive in my soul tonight, for they taught me so much, and because of their actions, because of their life ethics, I believe I act from my heart, and I believe that they live within me in my actions.

Today is also my “baby”  sister’s birthday, born as my dad died… dad left the world and God brought us Martha at the same exact time. Her birth, her beautiful little being that she was, I think it was God’s way to help us deal with the time of sorrow, of loss. For she filled the house with wonder.

Life is filled with times of miracles, times of loss, and when they complement each other, we need to feel a little Blessed.

Have a good evening, Happy Birthday Martha, and mom and dad- I miss you, God only knows how much I long for you to be here, thanks for all you gave us, all you taught us,

I love you all,

Mrs Justa, alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and sun setting

Life.. the older I get the quicker it seems to fly by.

I was thinking about that as I was out shooting some photos of the sites around our home, and the sun was setting. I got to thinking about all kinds of stuff, and how no matter how many sunsets come and go, there are parts of my life that seem like they just happened.

My brother jokingly made a comment that I am about to out live my dad, and I thought of way back when, when I was 10, and hearing that my dad had died. Man that is fresh in my memory, and whoa, it makes me think a lot about this was all the life he was given. He had turned 57 in July of 1963 and he died on Nov 3rd of 1963. I am about to turn 57, but I think I am healthier than my dad was. We are exercising and watching what we eat, my blood pressure hovers around 113/64 and my cholesterol has never been an issue, and EKGs and a stress test a few years back all were normal.

So , gosh I hope I break his pattern of life-years.

How sad though really… to only live for 57 years. To never see the child your wife was about have, to never see the other 8 children you have, to think you were about to come home from the hospital and never wake up again. Sad.. really sad.

Than I was think about years later and finding out my first marriage was in trouble. Boy, I thought there was supposed to be warnings, but none I saw. I was fricken oblivious to the whole thing going down in a spiral, and he just assured me things were okay. I thought he had a friend, he said she was just a person in need of help… so I trusted that, and than one day… poof… the rug taken from under my feet, and there I am facing the world with a 2 1/2 yr old in hand- hoping I would see the sun rise. For I was definitely seeing it setting.

The pain from both of these life challenging events- it does not go away, it is like that one song that Trisha Yearwood sings about “The Song Remembers When”… we all have moments in our life, and I was thinking as I was watching the sun set, that those moments are setting suns in a way… they are ends to chapters, and hopes that life will be there for a new chapter.

I wonder if there are people who have never had that type of pain? That kick –  the gut wrenching pain when it is a total turn in life? I was told once that each gut wrench is supposed to make us stronger… but I think it makes us more withdrawn in a way. I vowed a very long time ago I would never break the trust of another, I would not lie, and I would not make the most of each day. For through the loss of both parents – it became so important to remember to leave wherever I am with a positive memory… and through the loss of a marriage.. I learned to never pretend to care… people I love, they know I love them, and I will never let them down. I wish you all peace, I wish you well, I hope you have beautiful sunsets and  peaceful sunrises…. —until later…  I hope you each have a good night. Cindy

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Mrs Justa and Dad was here today…

Sounds of memories. Has that ever happened to you. It was an experience that happened to me today. I had gathered some change and headed over to a store a few blocks from work. I was looking to see if there was anything that might make our camping trip this weekend be a little easier. As I was walking over there the change jingled in my pocket.

It was a sound that took me back on time maybe 50 years ago… I could actually feel the presence of my dad. He would have change in his trouser pockets and when he came in from a traveling salesman venture- his change in his pocket would jingle. I would hug his leg as he tried to come into the house, and the change- it jingled in my ear… it jingled as he walked.

I had a quick reminder in my mind of the smell of “Old Spice” – he wore that after shave . And as I felt the comfort of his presence, it came to me , that his birthday was in June. I think it was towards the end of June, but I have nothing to give me the exact date. I do not know if it is on his headstone… my gosh I wish I knew if it was this week.

A dad… what is a dad to me? He was someone I was crazy about. I hated each time he left and watched for him when he came home. He was the more disciplinarian of the marriage- so he was the person we slammed with all the wrong doings our siblings did, as he tried to settle in after days away.

He was the person who was stern, yet strong.. .. yet not afraid to hug me and my siblings.

He ALWAYS greeted my mom with a hug and kiss when he came in the door… and gave her a hug and kiss before he left.

He smoked pipes- I remember the smells of the sweetened tobacco, and I can visualize his pipe tree. He would go for walks with us, and amused us by his tolerance of our sometimes not so great ideas.

I do not ever remember him making me feel worthless, I felt he loved me. With so many brothers and sisters, one on one time with him was priceless. Not one day in my life do I ever recall my mom or dad fighting , not even raising a voice at one another.

He died at the age of 57. That was 47 years ago. And his jingling change, the comfort of his arms, the scent of his aftershave, the sounds of the gravel crunching under his oxford shoes, his cough from smoking too much, his being- well it is close to me tonight- today… he is here…it is strange in a comforting way. Happy Birthday Dad, I feel you surrounding my being today.. and I love you.. and I really miss you. I wish you could have been there – met my son ( he would make you so proud) —met my husband ( he is a good man)- and shared all the people in our lives. You would have loved them all… Love always, Mrs Justa.. alias your” princess” alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and my dad

With every passing sunset, I think of people who have passed away. And today.. it is more focused on my dad.

My dad was my hero. He was special to me. He was the knight in my life.

Unfortunately for me, I only was able to share 10 short years of my life with him, he died a few weeks after my 10th birthday.

It is funny, I remember on my tenth birthday, that my dad was still in bed, as I was getting ready to go to school. I kept my joyous thoughts to myself, not wanting to ruin the surprise he must have had planned for my tenth birthday.

See dad was a traveling salesman, and normally he would have been up and gone before I was leaving for school. But not today!! So as I walked down the sidewalks to school, I can still remember smiling from ear to ear, because when you turn ten in my family… well you are promised to get a big kid bike, one with gears and hand brakes, one that is not a hand me down.. nope a new one. I figured it was a Huffy, and in my creative imagination of a mind I had… I knew it was because of MY birthday that dad must have told his customers he was going to be delayed a day.  I kept thinking about the fact that  MY DAD was going to stay home for that special day. In my mind, this was even better than getting the bike!. Because dad was gone for days on end, and he would come home mid week for a night, than leave the next morning for the next route of customers. This was a Monday morning.. he always had many folks to see on Mondays…but none of them were so important.. Nope it was about me today 🙂

I am sure I ranted and raved to my teacher ( Mrs Sherman) about this special day, this special secret that I knew about in error— but I did not let my parents know that I knew what they were up to. I wondered if my sister from nursing school would be there, or if maybe they invited friends from school, maybe neighborhood  people… I would act so surprised…

Well , I was surprised.. oh yes I was very surprised when I got home. My mom was there, my dads car was there.. but no party … no dad, no crepe paper or balloons, or even party hats….nope… instead it was my mom, waiting for us to get home from school.. she told us  “ Daddy is in the hospital, he had a heart attack.”

I did get my bike… but the joy of the new bike, of the shininess of each spoke, the joy of turning 10… well that was all masked by the black cloud of disappointment about dad being sick. And than I think I felt foolish.. embarrassed… and probably thankful I had not shared with many this surprise party I thought I knew about… I can still feel that pain in the gut of my stomach—deep in there.. and the scared thoughts about what if daddy died??? and not understanding a heart attack..but knowing it was not good. In a blink of an eye, in a split second…our lives changed. HE did not die that day… but he never left that hospital… after 2 weeks in patient.. he died in his sleep…

In a blink of an eye… I went from exuberant joy about thinking I was so special to dad that he would have stayed home.. to feeling like a kitten lost in a dark corner, feeling like my world was no longer the way it had been. So tonight.. it is another Fathers Day gone by… and even though as the sun sets each day I think this… today I am going to write it.. I Miss You Dad, I love You and I know you are watching over me….Love one of your little girls…  Mrs Justa… alias Cindy

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Mrs justa and impressions made on me…

  Today among many things on my to do list is cleaning the house and doing the laundry. And as I shuffle from room to room, broom, rags, dust cloth , window cleaner and mop in tow, I am somehow heavily reminded of things people taught me in the past. All life’s lessons running through my mind. Mostly things I learned from my parents, but others along the way too.

Like to move everything on the counter top when you clean it. There were people in my life who did this and their counters always looked clean enough to eat off of, and than there were others who did not ( my mom did not regularly) and when you moved things it was pretty yucky. So as much of a pain it can be when I want to fly around the house… I always move everything on all counter tops and clean around them.

Other things I remember being told over and over again….

To change your sheets every week… and to never climb into a freshly sheeted bed without taking a bath or shower.

To brush your teeth in the morning and night, and if possible after eating anything.

And check your teeth after eating fresh broccoli!

To look both ways before crossing the road.

To be quiet and listen…” if you talk all the time- you will never hear. “

To take time to be still.

To always pray. To make sure each night before I shut my eyes to thank God for everything I have… even when it seems like I am lacking something. Mom would say “ God has a plan for you… for each of us.” And as poor as we were at times, I always thanked God for what I was and what we had.

Doing laundry- always sort the lights from the dark. And do not wash oily greasy stuff with non oily greasy stuff. Fortunately neither Mark or I get into oily or greasy stuff- so I just sort the lights from the darks. And always remember to check pockets- ( rule I try to remember… but I have had a pen or gum miss the inspection and what a mess!!)

Lets see- in the grocery store I was always told to shop for the warmer stuff first and end with the cooler things. Mom would be proud.

And driving- my dad always told me that a “good driver” is one that does not always need to use the brake. They anticipate the traffic and surroundings. Dad would say, “I hope when you drive, you will be a good driver.” Dad.. I think I do okay with it. 

To respect your elders.

To never wear green and gray— ( that was a hard one because there are shades of green I see as gray- so I have blown that one a few times.

No white pants after Labor Day- and never before Memorial Day—I ignore fashion statements.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

To leave a place better than when you got to it.

A smile is free, and give it often.

Beauty is within-

You can’t judge a book by its cover.

Better to walk slow and see the world , than walk fast and miss a turn or open door.

To look towards the future and not get stuck on regrets of yesterday.

You can not change a person- only the way you respond to them.

To be thankful for what I have and not long for what I have not.

To be the friend to someone else that you would want to have as your own friend.

Never tell a lie.

When Jeff was little, I know I told him  many things in anticipation that one day he would grow up and be on his own. Like washing his hands, and how to take care of wet clothes, and to hang a towel up on the rack so it will dry, to say please and thank you, to never go to sleep on an angry sun. We tell our kids so much, preparing them for the world..I am sure I shared many of these thoughts with him. And yet in all we tell them- we need to remember to always tell them they are loved by us. We need to let them know they are special to us. I can remember telling Jeff on a number of occasions.. “I love you very much, but I do not like what you are doing right now.”  I did this because I wished I heard that from my mom and dad. If I was acting poorly- I WAS BAD. Not the action- but me- I was bad. I can hear them saying to me  that I was “a Bad Girl” . So as I grew , I made it a point that if I ever had a child of my own I would remember how that felt, and I would instead make sure they heard only hear how I loved them— and it was their behavior that was wrong. 

Life… our parents, our elders, our teachers, our friends- all make an impression on us. What impressions are you making on others? Hmmmm. Peace to all… as I go back to my to do list. Love mrs justa.. alias Cindy

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Mrs Justa and Belief in God

God is not a puppet master who pulls our strings so we will do what He wants us to do. He loves us so much that He gave us free-will. this is from a web site ….http://www.turnbacktogod.com/

I went to this site today as I go back and forth through my mind of trying to balance the belief I have in God and the folks who want proof a God exists. I look out my window at all that can be seen… , I reflect on my life, I look at a baby, a flower, a bird, I listen to a voice sing a beautiful song, or a prophet speak of the wonders of life, I go back through pain and loss I have been through and when I felt I could not get up by myself… there was God holding me. 

To me I find so much wonder in life, there are heartaches and joys. And I truly believe that when we are suffering, God is suffering with us.

I no more will deny the existence of God anymore than the folks who question God being real will accept that God exists.

I heard something a few weeks back that kinda stuck in my mind. It was about why people do or do not go to church. When people say they do not like something about church… too much praying… too much music… maybe the preacher does not dress the way you think they should…maybe a person walks out of church and says “I did not get anything from that service”… when this happens we have lost focus on the reason for going to church. We are not going to church to be the audience…God is the audience. We go to church to come together with other people to worship God. That was a wow moment for me, because I sometimes sing in church and it is tough to get up there and hope that I chose a song that everyone .. all ages and generations can connect to.. a song that everyone will like… but I found this statement about God being the audience telling me I was losing focus on why I was there. I am there to worship God with others, and it is God I am singing for. God gave me an ability to sing..I am not a star, never claimed to be one, but I can contribute a song to the worship service every few months.

People turn their backs on God, they do not pray, they do not show their belief… and than they blame God for not being there for them. I read folks comments on line as they  state that God must not be a loving God because of people suffering from hunger, from natural disasters. But I truly believe that we are not puppets, we are free willed people, this free will opens doors for us to each make decisions that are good or bad. Sometimes our decisions spill over into others lives. And when that happens-   I think that God is feeling our pain too. There are choices that people have made that have caused us to be in situations we are in. People die horrible deaths… and when they do.. I believe God is there to pick them up and hold them. For us who are left living, who have to endure the pain of losing a person…I believe that God is also there to hold us if we do not turn our backs on him .

I wish you peace… Love Mrs justa.. alias Cindy. (Images from Googleimages)

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Mrs Justa and glad today is ending

Oh to be 11 months old again, to have good parents, like Brandon does, to have the problems of the world being what toys to pull out, how far can I chase the cat, where did my dog go, and how much splash can I make if I shake the water dish for the pets.

Today was a tiring day, a day of trying to put pieces together, do some investigating on different issues at work and racking my brain with various tasks and ideas. It was an cranium day.

Trying to get through a maze of information, of thoughts, of planning and feeling totally and utterly exhausted by days end.

I do love what I do, and try to be good at it. I think managing people is an ever changing challenge. One that I find myself always wanting to be the boss I never had type person. To be understanding yet let it be known the expectations.

I had a boss once that made this guy look like Bart from Mary Poppins. Funny, lighthearted and full of laughter. All of which ol’ Adolf here was not well known for.

She would ,make you want to hear finger nails on the chalkboard instead of having her reign over you.

And reign she did.

She did not like me much, she was a horrible manager, she did not show any confidence in me, and would treat me like an incompetent person.

She would give me a task, partially explain it, and then when I produced the info and thought I did what she wanted, she would totally trash the project and tell me to redo it.

Yes, Adolf would have had a different image in history, if this manager had been around in the time. So I strive to now be remembered like I remember this x ( CAPITAL X) boss of mine.

But by being a more compassionate manager, by trying to work with people, it tends to create times of tiredness too. because I believe it is easier to be a person who orders people and disappears, then one who is always there, there before they come in in the morning and there after they leave at night. One who is willing to dive in and help with any work load there is. willing to put the employees responsibilities in front of her own.

So needless to say, today was a day .. a day of total handling management type responsibilities, and it was a little tiring.

So I am off. To reflect today, and work towards tomorrow. To take a deep breath and enjoy a few minutes of the Yankees game. To be thankful for who I am and what I try to stand for, for God and my family, say a prayer for Adrianne and Josh and our soon to be born little granddaughter, to throw the tennis ball for the dog, maybe enjoy a freeze pop, to stop for a moment. Peace to all, love to all, Cindy alias Mrs Justa

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Mrs Justa and STOP

The wonders of life, of learning , of growing up. I am reminded every time we see Brandon of how exciting life can be. For the adults in the world who have a baby in their life , I hope they take the time to absorb the wonders the baby finds as they grow up each day. And to the babies, well they do not realize it, but they do discover new feelings , new abilities, new wondrous things every day.

We see Brandon about once a week, sometimes more, but it is hard on weekdays with my schedule sometimes keeping me from getting home till 6 or 6:30. By the time dinner is done, dishes cleaned, – Brandon is getting ready for bed. But weekends- oh we try to spend some time with him. And watching the wonders that each week has brought to him, words can not describe the joy it brings.  Amanda and Jeff are very aware of the changes, they treasure them, they feel Brandon’s joy.

This week he has learned his tongue will make a clicking noise and he goes around clicking and smiling because he can make the noise. ( Thanks to Uncle Gary…) Also he learned that when he is sitting on some one’s shoulders, that there is actually a person holding him up there.

I think before the shoulders were just a place he was, but there was not a cause and effect with the shoulders.

Now…………….

he knows if he bends and twists, there is someone there, a face he knows, a face he loves.

He did this over and over again, peaking his little head around, and poof there was his dad.

As I look at these photos I am reminded how precious each day is. It does not seem that long ago that Jeff was on my shoulders-

in my mind , it was only yesterday- but really is was over 26 yrs ago. 

Poof, where do the years go… poof a infant turns into a curious toddler, and into an elementary child, and before you know it they are graduating, getting married, and then having their own children.

The older I get the faster time flies. Today Mark asked me how long we had the mulching mower for. I have to admit- I can not even guess. I know where we got it, I think we brought it home in the Ford Focus… but maybe it was the van we got after that.. I have to go look for the receipt.. I feel it was a few years ago, but with as fast as time is flying by, I am thinking maybe 6 years ago. Hmmm. I will have to go see.

Stop, enjoy life, stop , pay attention to your babies, your children , your loved ones. Stop and do not waste one minute of one day… Stop, take time to say a prayer, .. Stop and tell someone you love them… Stop…………..while you still have time to. Love, Cindy

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Mrs Justa… Happy Fathers Day

Father’s Day.. it has come and gone. I hope that yours has gone well.  It is one day a year where we are honoring our dads, or fathers, or other men in our lives who acted like our fathers. Dads have a tough job, they try to hold everything in , all the troubles, and try to be  the person for everyone. They have a wife or significant other who has their own idiosyncrasies, and tough jobs of trying to support the kids while disciplining them .

My dad never let us know that he was having problems health wise or workwise. He was a traveling salesman and sometimes had a hard time selling the product, as he was an honest salesman. He had a tendency to have sales jobs that had large regions so he would be gone during the week, sometimes returning on Thursday, then going back out and home for most of the weekend.

I remember him packing, and I remember his coming home. I really do not think that he ever earned a lot of money. But money did not lessen his attention or love he had for all of his kids. He died after having 3 heart attacks in his past that he never mentioned or received care for them, he never had chest pain, he had flu symptoms, so he was treated for the flu. After his last heart attack, it showed on the EKG that it was his fourth one, not his first one. To this day I wonder if he had ever felt chest pain at different times and did not do anything about it. Happy Father’s Day Dad. You have been gone for 45 years, but I still feel your presence.

Today we went over to our friend Shawn and Pats house and tried to do what we could do to help him with a porch project he is doing. Mark helped, then sat and rested his leg and back, then helped and again rested. Pat and I carried 8,10,12, and 14 foot joists to the area, and stood around asking annoying questions at times, but we had fun.

Then Jeff and Amanda had a dinner  and invited us over for Fathers Day. Brandon

had grandpa moments , as seen here.

Brandon continues to change every time we see him. He is more vocal,  making all sorts of noises, and he has this new look where when he is concentrating he sticks his tongue out.

We took him outside for a little while and let him sit on the railing of the deck ( tightly held by Grandma OF COURSE) and we looked at all the flowers, plants and decorations. Then he sat in the grass and seemed to love the wind blowing in his hair.

Brandon also had daddy moments

Daddy was teaching him how to do the ring stacker toy that he just got today.They are being supervised by Badger, the gentle giant.

Brandon likes the toy, but in his mind today… the rings are neat to take off and chomp on.

The stacking part is not part of his process yet.

  Notice the thinkers tongue starting to creep out.

Oh my goodness, he is such a joy for us. Amanda mentioned some days in the end of July when she is looking for 4 days for Brandon to be watched. I am going to check the work calendar, and if at all possible take them off. I will find out tomorrow.

Just as I am finishing this Mark’s daughter, Adrianne , called to wish him a Happy Fathers Day. She worked all day,I feel for her, as she is pregnant and is doing 12 hr shifts at a hospital in the town she lives in. She and Her hubby are expecting a baby this year too, So Josh had a Father’s Day for dads to be. It sounds like they are doing fine . Life is a blessing, God has given us so many gifts in life, just look around you and feel good about what you have and do not focus on what you do not have.

SO for all the dads, soon to be dads, grandfathers and families- Happy Fathers Day. Love to all, Cindy

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Mrs Justa and DADS

In a couple of weeks we will be celebrating Father’s Day. I would like to take a moment and a day to reflect on Father’s Day, and how special fathers are. 

There is nothing warmer, more secure feeling then being held in your dads arms. Being cared for by your father. Being anticipating when dad will come home.  Dad’s arms can be strong and protect, and they can be gentle and comfort. They hold onto mom, they help in whatever way they can to make life better.

I watch Jeff, and love to see the love he has for his wife and his son. He is a good dad. He tries his hardest to provide a safe and comfortable life for them. He and Amanda work as a team and that compliments the parenting of both. Brandon is a lucky little boy.

My dad, he was a traveling salesman. His territory kept him away from home for all but one night during the week, and he would be home on weekends. Sometimes he would have to go on a call on a Saturday, but if at all possible one of us would get to go along. I remember longing for him to come home, getting a hug when he got in the door, sitting on his lap, his hugs, even his spanking, ( he would say “ This hurts me more then it hurts you “.. and not till I was a parent myself did I understand that comment !) he cared for us.

My dad was not in the best of shape, he traveled, smoked, and ate stuff not too good for him and at the young age of 57 he died of a heart attack. I was 10 then, I was broken hearted.  For many years, many many years, the loss has been  there, like a lump in my throat. I still miss the dad I knew for those first 10 years of my life. I love you dad!

I learned then that you have to treasure every single breath, every single day, every single moment, for one second a person is there and the next they can be gone. All the time I was raising Jeff, I always tried to have every moment be a warm moment. Sometimes I know I failed, but most times I think had I died, he would have had fond memories of me.

So for all you dads out there, I honor you. Always remember to treasure the moments you have with your children, treasure each moment you have with your wife.  Enjoy life one step at a time and do not get wrapped up in working endless hours for a future too far away. If you only see them once a week, make that once a week a time for memories. Someone once said to me that dads are the on earth to keep an eye on God’s children.

Sit down with that special child and read them a story. It takes a few minutes out of your life for a foundation of memories, for a feeling of security, of trust. They love to hear about anything you have to talk about. Give them a hug goodnight, tuck them .

For a kid, doing ANYTHING with dad is great!. I loved watching him do his paper work, I would watch him shave in the morning, ( he would do contortions with his face as he passed the razor over the shaving cream, and me- elbows on the sink would be stretching my mouth right along with him ) I can still smell the Old Spice. He would pack his suitcase to leave each week, I would sometimes stand next to him and hand him little stuff. I can still see him take tissues and fold them neatly , in a certain way, and  then stack them to fit in his pocket. I would watch him smoke his pipe. I remember talking walks and having my little hand enveloped in  his big hand. I remember riding in the car with him, and how he held the steering wheel. Are you guys listening, these things I remember cost NOTHING, but these memories I have are more then 45 years old.

I remember when I had met Mark- – he and I were both the unfortunate 1/2 of a marriage where the other person gave up. Both with a child. Both trying to make the best out of a tumbled up life. He longed for the days he would have Adrianne, and he made the best out of every minute he had with her. We did not have extra money, so we did things at the park, or at the lake. We played board games at home. Frisbee, catch, sat and watched life pass by. It did not matter about money, the kids mattered. So we would try to have Adrianne on the same weekend that Jeff was with me. As Jeff would see his dad every other weekend. I used to watch Adrianne , Jeff and Mark, and it would remind me of how special my dad treated me and my siblings. It was not how much money we could spend on them, it was how much time we spent with them at our side. So as the time comes for another year to honor the dads , I say..

Happy Fathers Day to all the guys out there. Love always, Mrs Justa.

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