death


I read a book a few weeks ago and it has created all sorts of emotions and thoughts. The book was written by a survivor of child abuse. This is the cover of the book… img-thing[1]

I kid you not, it was VERY hard to read, but I was not going to stop. WHY?? Because this poor little boy..who miraculously made it through years of torture to become a man—well he could not quit from what his life was.

As I read this, my heart ached, I was so darn angry with social services and the mother… with the brothers and step dad…. 

The presentation of how things were on the outside of the house, in no way were really what was happening behind closed doors.

As I read it, I thought that most kids probably never grow up to share what they went through, to show they survived… No , I am thinking most kids would have died in the torture. The mom put on a front that the child was evil, the child was aggressive, the child was mean, the child had problems, the child was mute… AND it was easier for those on the outside to label the child instead of trying to figure out what made the child act the way he did…

I think we  do that in society.. we tend to take the easy way out. This got me to think about Riley… our dog. Riley comes home 6-29-2012 028She had such lost sad eyes when we brought her home that day from the kennel…..… She cowered when you called her, she shook and trembled if she thought she was in trouble, she had a sense of fear to her…

She had horrible separation anxiety, she panicked, she hyperventilated, she literally freaked out if we left the house.

We made comments about “That is why her previous owners abandoned her” and “She has issues.” ///But ya know what—we did not give up on her…( We almost did !!)fortunately we got thinking and  we did not just accept the way she was as a final.. That breaks my heart at the thought that we almost gave up on her.

After her 2 weeks in early winter at the K9 training camp—2 weeks of not seeing her, of her being treated well, but like a dog… she is okay now. We can leave her in the house, no crate or cage….  and go out for up to 6 hrs..she is fine. We do not have to limit her access to rooms.. she is a calmer dog…. , and seems more controlled  now.. It was what her previous owners did to her that made her how she was… not that she was bad.

She is a sweetheart… she loves to be with us,she is GREAT with people and the grandkids….. she is playful….  but now it is ok when we leave. She goes to doggie playcare 1 day a week, and they say she darts around for the entire time, frolicking, running.. non stop.

How many kids…. how many pets… have we as a society let down? Why… because it was easier to say they had the problem… than to figure out what made the behavior….. easier than to try to fix it…

yep, that book will live with me for a very long time… And Joe Peters’…. wherever you are…. I am so sorry for the let down you must have felt over and over again.and thank you for sharing this …. it really opened my eyes…

Love to all… Mrs Justa alias Cindy

I gotta tell ya, this is now rolling into my least favorite time of the year. The best thing that happened this time of year was my niece and sister were born. But I am reminded every year of the pain too.

I can not help by go back to  1963

100_002710 years old is  supposed to be a time in our lives where the road to adolescence is being paved and laid down… where Barbie dolls and Roller skates are changing to 10 speed bikes and sleep overs. When it is still okay to get tucked in at night, and you want to be brave and not have the night light on…when you knew pretty soon you no longer could sit on dads lap very comfortably, where the dreams of becoming a teenager seemed to be coming more real.

Yes… a time when life begins to change…and for me.. it changed all right.

It changed for our whole family. I’ve written about it before… and yet it all surfaces again..each year. My dad had one into the hospital –he  went in on my 10th birthday with a heart attack.

My mom was VERY pregnant and she would drive to the hospital every evening with the 5 kids in the car, she would leave us in the lobby at the hospital, and she would go up and visit him.
We were not allowed to go up there. So volunteer women would take moments to stay with us in the lobby. They brought us paper to draw on, tried to distract our worried thoughts, my sister was 11, me 10.. the next in line were my brothers 5 and 6 and my sister 2. Night after night –we would wait for mom to come down….and she would drive us home. She was due on Halloween night.  But that night came and went,… and still no baby. On November 1st… dad actually waved to us in the lawn of the hospital from way up on his hospital; floor. He looked like a small image way up there, but knowing the moving image was dad was so warming..so comforting. I remember waving so hard my whole body was twisting..I thought my arm was going to pop off…..

Than on 11-2- we went in and mom came back down after visiting and said we could go up and see  him… he was coming home in the morning… We loaded in the elevator, anxious with joy… gitty..giggling in the elevator.. the laughter kind of echoing… I remember the volunteers who had now gotten to know us pretty well..they had tears welling in their eyes as they saw our smiles…. up we went… the door opened… a wheel chair around the corner and dad was there… there was a window that the chair was put by..it overlooked the city… each kid got to go to him, sit on his lap, hug him, tell him what ever came to mind…. laughter..I remember laughter… …and than the next. I waited in the back ground.. I wanted to be last… I remember the feeling of the strength of his hands as he held me on his lap… he had Old Spice on…I  remember the smell. I remember the secure feeling… a feeling of safety..as he hugged me , kissed me…. and said I will see you in the morning…

The ride home was like floating on a cloud… the anticipation of morning and daddy coming home was more excitement than I have had since than…

At 11 that night mom went into labor… she called a neighbor to help her get to the hospital … a different hospital.. She called our sister in nursing school to come home and be with us… she got there… it was scary… now mom was going too…. we tried to sleep… and before 7 in the morning the phone rang… oh it must be the baby news… it was a man… He asked for my mom… I said she was not there—she was having a baby… he asked who was there… I said my sister.. she was 19… he heard her voice… he asked her if she was the oldest one there..she said yes… he hung up the phone.. We were all puzzled… I remember sitting in the corner..hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.. in a trance almost… saying in a soft mumble… “Daddies dead/…daddies dead…” I did not stop… I kept saying it… and than the phone rang again…. I remember my sister kind of yelling at me to stop saying that… It was another doctor… he apologized for the previous call..and than he said… your  father died this morning…. The death of my father when I was 10 years old , changed my life forever. …Bam… our life as we knew it was changed …. my sister called the other hospital… left a message to give to our mom who was in the delivery room…. and a miracle happened… the same moment dad died..our youngest sister was born.

And than 35years later—to the day—the time.. our mom died…in her sleep….so that is why this time of year… I like to zoom by 11-3 kind of quickly. I say happy birthday to my sister… the pain and loss I have is separate from the joy of her… but it is tough.. It does not get easy…

So as these days come closer… I find myself not looking forward to the weeks to follow…and than things get better again.

Mom, Dad . I miss you so much… and Dad.. thanks for that hug and kiss on my cheek..had I known it was the last…I would have never gotten off your lap.

Ahhh… the memories are so fresh…. Take time to let those close to you know that you love them, thank them, spend time with them…. for life comes…and life goes… We have no guarantees of anything… Love to all. Mrs Justa.. alias Cindy

I had a thought the other day.. the thought was I am glad that all living creatures do not share the same habits, customs, ways to get to know one another…

August 2012 003

Need I say more???? This week and next is the NYS fair… could you see if everyone had dog habits as they passed by each other? Oh my goodness, I am so appreciative we just walk past people,, sometimes we shake hands !!

I had a dream a few nights ago..it was sobering…it was real..and one I was glad to have woken up from.

As I drifted off to sleep I became part of a group of souls…all floating in the same direction—towards a bright white light. Each spirit was covered with a black hooded cloak, drifting..and than every once in a while was a figure that looked like this…

( I got this off of google images) these spirits were whispering which way to go and to assure us that they too were once in the procession that we were all in.

The entire area was filled with whispers, forceful comforting whispers.

I asked one of there spirits where I was..and the spirit said I was on my way to meet God, and see Jesus. That all the cloaks floating around me in the same direction were all the people who had died when I died.

I gotta tell ya, when I woke up..I was tapping my legs, my arms.. and really glad I was actually lying in bed. I said a prayer… I looked at everything a little differently. But it has made me ponder… no one ever talks about death. We all avoid it.. yet we all will die. This made it so surreal.. To realize that in a second I will go from here..to just my memory here..my spirit.. my contributions..my disorganized  organization. I say that, because I know where things are… I know what things mean to me.. but who will know about some of these things when I am not here?

It brings to the forefront getting rid of things… making sure all the recent info is readily available when life insurance policies are, bank records, information for doing the taxes and paying bills. The dream has made me feel thankful for today, blessed for all my yesterdays..and really hoping for many tomorrows.

It was weird..it was strange… it has made me feel apprehensive..yet at peace.. Because the spirits that were guides basically indicated there is one way to go..no turning back… however things were left..that is how they will be. 

All I can say is wow…. and I love my family..and my friends..and I appreciate the readers who come over to read my thoughts.. THANK YOU!> I will be back tomorrow….and I will write again… Going to a Drive in tonight !!!. It is so neat to have a Drive In 8 miles away !!!

Love to all, Mrs justa alias Cindy

One day when I did my great escape at lunch time.. I went over to a parking lot at a plaza near by. I turn on the radio, listen to Rush Limbaugh get all fired up about stuff, open the windows and watch the world go by.

Well one day I looked up, camper and a dog in window 005and in a 3rd floor apartment window was this …

This dog, standing on maybe a couch , just faithfully watching out the window. I began to think about dogs and owners and people and friends.

And well it hit me hard that there are probably not too many friends as faithful as a dog. A dog will greet you at your door every single day with a tail wagging so much that you are not sure if the tail is wagging the body..or the body wagging the tail.

brandon, fami;y, 2008, 2009 120A dog will come next to you and stay by you no matter how sick you are. Back a few years ago, Badger did not feel well and he needed someone to be with him during the day, he had to be let out a lot. Mark, who also was not feeling well, went over daily to stay with Badger, and regardless of how bad either felt..they stayed side by side.

When Mark had his leg trying to heal, he had to use a CPM machine, he would go into the spare bedroom and get hooked up, and lie there as this machine worked to bend his knee…

He never was alone doing 100_0638that though…

Carmel may not have ever understood what the machine was… but he sensed he needed to go in there.

I remember when I had a surgery and was unable to lie down in bed for weeks, I would doze off in the recliner..only to wake up to have our dog Chip on the foot of the recliner watching me sleep.

brandon, fami;y, 2008, 2009 102Mark and I have computers next to one another, and if we were both on, Indi would just come in and sit next to us… what person would do that?

I have seen on line photos of different dogs, loyal to their owner till the end. It is true that “Dogs are man’s best friend” They forgive you when brandon, fami;y, 2008, 2009 001you are grumpy, they greet you and say good bye to you as you come and go, they will go anywhere you want to take them, and if you are lucky they will patiently wait.. to see you again.

Since Jeff was 10—we have had 3 dogs. Chip, Carmel and Indi. each were special in their own way..and each had to be put to sleep for various reasons. We understood why each time, and it hurt to do it..but as I look back..they each filled our lives with so much love, so much commitment and so much loyalty..I would not trade any of the days with them for anything else.

Who knows if we will get another dog.. we teeter on the fence all the time… but tonight.. I just want to say—dogs are cool…. Love to all.. Mrs Justa alias Cindy

100_0408The stay-ca-tion has dwindled down to just a few hours left. We decided  to end it with where we started—kind of…

Off to Oswego we went tonight. The sun set was masked by the clouds….but it was nice all the same.

The water was still, the clouds were asking as a cover for the sun, and amazingly no one was in Oswego… ( well there were some people but not a lot)

We went to the opposite side of the river and caught a shot of the restaurant where it all began… 100_0404

Did not even look like many people were up there…

See a “stay-ca-tion” means you avoid the trying to get all the stuff put away, laundry done and grocery shopping before the next next of work stops… (yeah baby that is VERY nice) and…

you never really get super tired….cuz you are not out there fighting the vacationers for the spot on the highway…

5-27-12 003I do not feel we were cheated a 3 day weekend… not at all. Yesterday we went to Skanealeles NY- sat by the lake there …

We were entertained by a variety of Duck families.

It really was funny to watch the different families float by.

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An as we sat there, we had brought some pepperoni, cheese and crackers, some apples and Ice Tea… and we left any worries, cares of challenges at home.

100_0396Hmm..one would think..what kind of challenges could there be..well anyone who has followed us for a while must have a hint that there are challenges at times.

Our latest…. and this one is GROSS>>>

something has died in our floor….have no idea what it was..but I can assure you what ever it was—it is not with us any longer… Nope only it’s stench lives now…

What we do know..is the passing took place under our bathroom sink area…. and after CAREFULLY emptying the bathroom vanity………. I went in there—with the grubbiest clothes I could find…( these are the sweats I have worn to paint, to caulk, to garden, to weed, to great stuff, to apply adhesives..I wash them and save them for grubby times…) see I was half expecting to find the remains of a chipmunk, or mouse, or something….I had a bucket with chlorine and water, a garbage bag, paper towels and rags…and a bunch of prayers that if I did find something that I would be able to handle it and not be so skeeved out that I would take off in the opposite direction. As I slowly lowered my body to the floor..I was thinking about my post the other night about the “Road kill Collector” and thinking that God has a sense of humor—I make a comment about a profession—and the next day our house smells like road kill.

Well… the odor is under the sink..yes siree—that is where it is coming from… but fortunately in an unfortunate way—I found nothing that is responsible for the odor…

I looked in the crawl space under the house…. nothing… so whatever it was—- it was between the crawl space and out floor….

We really can not have our whole house ripped apart to find some dead whatever…. so I went on line and ask my new best intelligent friend ( Google) –what to do if your have dead animal smell in your house…. Do you know there are thousands of articles on this subject !!!. Basically— give it 7-10 weeks…I am hoping this whatever is under our floor- but above our crawl space… was small—like a mole, or a field mouse, the articles  I read said the smaller—the less time of stench.. It is not too bad to night.. the rags seemed to help keep the air out of the house…

100_0403So that is our stay-ca-tion…We had a nice time together—I enjoyed church Sunday, we had fun with our friends Sat Am…. we got to visit with Jeff and Amanda and the kids, we got to spend peaceful time in areas around us…and I do not think we ever felt rushed.. and to wrap it all up…

100_0401

 

 

We broke all rules, we got a really rich ice cream treat at Cold Stone Creamery…

Now it is times to focus on work, focus on life and come back to the reality world…

No sleeping in… nope time to start being responsible again.

I hope you had a nice weekend, and I hope you are home—safe and sound…. Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

Okay, I am all for safe driving… ( Mark would say I am over cautious) and I appreciate a few reminders like this one……..but this goes two ways folks.

I was driving in this morning on an interstate. Speed limit is 65mph… wiggle room means many were pushing the 70 mph end..out of nowhere this laser speed spot went literally flying up the northbound side.. I kid you not..this person was on one of the         ” Crotch rockets..” he must have been clipping at least 100 mph. It made the others look ,like they were driving on a 30 mph village street. Now I do not know about you,, but I could have looked twice for this creep in my rear view mirror and not seen him, changed a lane..and probably would not have realized what hit me!

I would have reported it via 911.but by the time I would have talked to the operator- at 100 mph..this guy would have been miles down the road.

Sure motorcycles save tons of fuel, some feel they are fun, and motorcycles take up less space… but just because they go super fast does not mean you should stretch it out to the limit. My God… in a car you would not survive a crash at that speed… these dudes have NOTHING protecting them. There were cars in both lanes, he was sharing lanes- zipping around the people before they were able to react.

As I am shaking my head about this total idiot… the news came on …3 !!!!! people were in motorcycle crashes overnight and last evening….all related to speed and at least one to drinking too.

Way back when I was a pup…. back when all cameras had film, and it had to be developed.. I was 18 at the time….I worked in a photo lab.. We processed the photos for the sheriffs department. These were rush jobs..as the investigators needed them for their reports… well  my job was processing, printing and cutting all the fatal accident photos. Gruesome… yes… did I see images that have stayed in my mind… ( well it has been 40 years and they are still there..) but the most bothersome was the motorcycle fatalities. The people did not have a prayer…. some were their fault..some were others.

So YES.. we need to be aware there are very narrow vehicles sharing the road… BUT darn it folks… give us a chance to see you !!. These creeps who do not believe anything will happen as they are zooming at 100 + mpr— even at 75 mpr—- they need to park it… go back to the tricycle….

you should all look like this guy—photo from google images….

( yeah the one with pedals..no motors). The smart…safe drivers… I am watching for you…. the jerks… it is hard when I can not see you..only a dot flying by…

OK… this is me climbing off the pulpit for the night…. going to take my shower…. As always… love … Mrs Justa alias Cindy

100_4274_editedI was reminded of a rather embarrassing time a few years back , when I chose this photo to be my desk top on my home computer.

It is funny how various life events are lodged in our emotions somewhere… snuggled up in cob webs of yester-year..and than poof. something wipes the webs away..and the emotion wakes up..BOOM!

This is in Bar Harbor Maine. We had walked out on this dock and we were admiring this restaurant.The windows were all along a section with table that looked out on the pier.

It was quite quaint..quite unique..so in we went for dinner. We get in there, they asked how many.. ( I love that—there are 2 of you standing there and they ask how many…) We said 2. So they brought us back to the area that looked over the pier.. See the tables were meant for 2…and do not order much food!..There was not much room on the table.

So we ordered drinks… they came..the waiter asked what we would like… I asked if the salad or pasta dishes were prepared separate from the seafood… he looked at me and said”Why do you ask?” My response was I am pretty allergic to fish… and can not eat anything with fish on it. ( He acted like I was the only person in the world with a fish allergy..) Now perhaps Bar Harbor Maine—at a restaurant on a pier..is not the place for a fish allergy person to go…. Off he went…. he was gone for what seemed like an eternity… than he comes back and said the chef has asked us to leave. That they do not want to serve us.

First I thought he was joking.. I am like Ha Ha Ha..waiting for a smirk….…. but he was not smiling… he was kind of looking uncomfortable but standing firm on his words… so what we had sipped from our soda was the extent of the meal… They told us we could go without paying…

So with my head down.. 100_4146feeling really embarrassed, I walked out with Mark… Now there is not a lot of hopping places in Bar Harbor at 9ish..so we headed back to the hotel and 1/2 way there we  found a pizza shop…. It was the best pizza and they kept fish separate from the other stuff!!!!!!

And as I look back..if they could not promise they did not mix fish with all their other foods… well it was better to be told that than to stop breathing there… Yeah I am sure Mark would rather look at this picture and remember us being asked to leave… than remember them removing my body from there..

After all these years though.I am still feeling a little embarrassed….Time to tuck those emotions back… stretch out the cob webs and move on… Life… unpredictable..but worth every darn minute of it. Love Mrs justa alias Cindy

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