June 2008


  024 016This was the land a month ago- one of the things that was appealing was the land was all seeded and mowed. Well now we are at a dilemma of having about 25 feet of mud, dirt and stone between the yard that is still there and the renovations that the home set up crew did. So we have to now rake the rocks and plant some seed. Which is gonna take some time, which we have not got a lot of.

Earl stopped in today while I was up unpacking stuff and did offer to come down and rake the rock with his tractor if the home place is not going to fix it. Earl is pretty frustrated because he had the pad all set, very little work needed to be done and the grass could have been saved, but the set up guys came in and dug down about 8 inches scraping the dirt all in a huge pile, so then the bulldozer dude spread everything around leaving this huge area of unseeded dirt.

Earl is such a nice man, he wants to do right by everyone and has trouble understanding when people shaft others. We will have to do something , because once we are up there, each time we let the dog out, he will be tracking in mud.

So this is our current issue, tomorrow the meter gets put in, keep your prayers coming on that, lets hope all water lines are in good shape:) I am going in late tomorrow, so that I can be up there for this last step before they do the cinder block foundation.

Love to all, CIndy

100_1458 Well folks yesterday was filled with stress, and frustration and disbelief. It

    And the man who came to move the shed reminded me quite a few times that it was my lucky day, because I met him.He had a task, which he took on , knowing that it was going to be difficult to get the shed out of our yard and to Fulton 8 miles away. Directly in front of our shed was the septic tank- hence he needed to lift the shed and inspire it to go angled, which he did. The person he brought to assist was advising him how the shed looked on the trailer- well the helper missed the fact the the shed was hanging off the left side by 4 feet, 100_1462so the whole trip up oncoming traffic had to move over a bit to their shoulder and we thought he was going to drop it off his trailer a couple of times.

He had made mention he was going to take the shed doors off before loading it, but due to a sore wrist, he chose to not do that. He made it to the land slowly, and we had an area that was  straight back and drop, 100_1469

well after he got up there he felt he had been on the job too long, so he whipped the trailer up and drove forward quickly, and ripped the shed doors off. So here we have this shed, Mark feeling like crap, Mark when he asked if he could make doors at his shop at fix these and the dude told him he had been on this job too long and he was pretty busy.  Mark told him that he really isn’t a handy man and doesn’t work with tools, so the dude looks at me and says Cyn can fix it then. Just take of the hinges, lay the doors on the floor of the shed, and rescrew the hinges in- real simple… gotta go.

And the creep drove off. Never to hear from him again- he did the job for the adrenaline rush, once up there, poof he did not care- he got his $300.00 plus he had us pay an extra $100.00 because it was hard to get it out of our yard.

GRRRRRRRRRRR. This guy really loved himself, and we thought he was a good guy, but after this ordeal we have found him to be an arrogant jerk who really loves himself- bad. The kiss the mirror as you walk by type love himself.

I was able to call my brother Tom, 100_1473 he is super handy and saved the day- as we had the POD there and needed to fill the shed, and now we had no doors. But Tom and his father in law came up, tools , screws and scrap wood, and fixed the doors so they work for now.

So the shed is loaded, and Shawn and Pat came up last evening and we got the whole POD unloaded into the house. Mark felt poorly and has really low endurance, so he helped and took breaks as needed. Shawn busted butt, and we can not thank them enough!! I went up today and did the kitchen unpacking- it took a long time but it went well. Mark came up with all the record albums about mid day- he has been feeling really lousy, he started on new meds yesterday and has nausea, numbness in his hands, really lightheaded and room spinning when he lays down, can not eat, just crappy! So he headed back home as we do not have water up there yet, and he was  in need of having a bathroom close by.

Tomorrow is working on unpacking the spare bedroom, and bathrooms. Monday the water man comes with the meter and I will try to get the certificate of occupancy the next week, once the cinder block foundation is done.

Take care all, Love Mark and Cindy alias Mr. and Mrs Justakrusen

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Whoa, this is how our life feels right now in my semi warped mind. It represents a tug or war, a pull one way and get dragged back the other. 100_0891Feeling at times like we are holding on by a thread, hoping that thread will grow stronger with the tug and not weaker. Back and forth, up and down , to me I see a shape like a bird on the right, it looks like it’s bill is trying to pull on the frogs leg . See the frog shape on the left.

That is like me and Mark at times, when one of us feel weak the other tugs to keep the weak one going. I feel the events of this past 2 months have been hard, tugging on the patience,  on the heart strings, on the emotions.

It is NEVER easy to move, it is never easy to uproot your life, and then having a bipolar, manic then depressive struggle in the mix, well it is a lot of life’s stressors eating away at Mark, and at me having to live it but not be able to help him out of the slump.

I am off tomorrow- the propane and the shed are the tasks of the day. The propane folks will go and put a tank in and set up the furnace and the stove. The shed dude tomorrow too.

Then we start the unload to the shed and the house. We bought drinks for the potential helpers for tomorrow and Saturday. Mark and I have been talking and he may end up going to Oswego Behavior Health clinic in the morning if he is still unable to sleep and having the racing thoughts. He does not want to leave the stuff tomorrow to me, I do not want him to prolong going up there and seeking someone to see him.I will be okay, he may need help to be okay. 

So we will see how the night goes. All who believe in God and the power of prayer, please join me in praying that he is able to find a practitioner who will care about his well being and listen to him. I know this is not as good as it gets.

Thanks to all for being there. I am actually going to post this on both my blog and his tonight incase someone goes to just one or the other. My love to all, Cindy and Mark– Mr and Mrs Justakrusen

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A lone oryx antelope. (Courtesy of oryxanterlope.jpg) Faith, unending faith, that we will find light at the end of the darkest tunnel, that we will find answers to questions we can not believe we have, that we can find guidance when it seems like we are alone, that we can find water when we are quenching for thirst, and that God is watching over us in good times and bad.

I have faith, and I feel that I have understanding, I am a hopeless optimist, and I have such compassion it tends to get me into areas that can be hard to handle.

Faith, this oryx antelope had faith, this animal is in places where some may be afraid to go, but look how majestic it is, how it’s posture is straight, and it has to be intolerable in this assumed heat of the desert.

 100_0538_edited Faith, when two people come together and swear their lives before God and friends and family, that is faith that the feelings you have on the special day, the feelings you had leading up to is, that these feelings and desires to be together will only grow stronger every day for the rest of your life. That is faith, it is something we must believe in, something we give our full confidence in, and Faith is what helps us take chances, make life changes, walk in a desert , jump off a ledge into a parents arms.

Faith that the sun will rise, and that the day will come and bring things we can handle. Faith that the people we have been in contact with have fond thoughts of us. Unending faith.

I have faith that my husband will begin to peel away the cloud of darkness, the feelings of despair, and begin to feel some of the blessings in the world, some of the positive in my Polly Anna attitude- as he refers to it.

Faith that you each will find answers to those really tough questions, and that you will believe and know that everything happens for a reason, Faith that I can find that reason for all events.

Faith, – where would I be without FAITH? My blessings to each and watch the http://justakrusen.blogspot.com/ as I will be posting for Mark till he finds himself back on his feet.  I have faith that will happen soon. Love always, Mrs Justa (Cindy)

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100_1064 Every thing has a meaning, every one of us have a purpose , each of us a reason to exist. Existing, however , is not enough, We have to work for the things we need to become, the places we need to focus on and the paths we need to take.

We must stand tall and hang on, when it would be so easy to give up. Just say to hell with everyone and everything and climb into a hole.

But that, in my mind, is not why we have been blessed with a life to live. We need to seek out ways to share our abilities, our spiritual gifts. And hang on, as the ride is not meant to be easy. These drops of dew- they are hanging on, enriching each blade of grass, for this moment in time, that is their purpose. Who knows id then their purpose with be to evaporate and in a small way provide moisture in the air, or will it be to contribute to quenching the thirst of a bird, or other animal.

We never know our purposes for sure, and sometimes I think we try to ignore the opportunities set before us. As they would take up time we feel should be better served on us . It is hard, there are moments when an opportunity may knock at my door, but I turn up the music so I can not hear it. I turn a deaf ear on it. What am I missing by doing that though?

With this move, we have had many challenges, and we had chances to back out, but for some reason this land and this house were presented to us, were opportunities that knocked at our door, so we opened the door, and I am feeling at times, we wish we had not. It is hard, and it is hard for Mark , 100_1053as he is new to Lithium, new to the inability to think things through all the way as he adjusts to the medication. I think there are times he feels it would be easier to be like this bunny, and hide under a pillar of strength.

I know once we are up there the chaos of trying to organize things will be over, soon his workers comp case will show some sort of direction, he will be followed by a psychiatrist, and he will be able to function again. But now it is a lot. For both of us. I feel like the plant in this picture, trying to get everything together and trying to help Mark through his really hard time, yet there are times I feel like the bunny and he is the plant. He has helped with stuff I can not do during the day- but he does not see that.

Once we are there, sipping an iced tea,watching the sunset, knowing we are on our own land, well I think that will help to see we both did this together, with the help of our family and friends.And if it ends up being this Friday- well we will get through it, but if not then Jeff will be there in a couple weeks to help us get through it. However the pieces fall- we have been blessed with the opportunity, the ability and the family and friends that have helped us get to the new place. My love to all, we will be shutting down in a couple of days for probably a week . So keep the faith, we will return. Love to all, ( a possibly a couple more posts) Cindy

The brain, the control center of our existence, imagethis thing is what makes us feel, move, breathe, controls all impulses, our heart beat, our thinking, our reasoning. It is really incredible to know that without a brain, we are without life. Without a brain there is no function. ( courtesy of ozfactors.)

I can not believe the amount of stuff stored on my brain. Not only has it kept me as me, but it has secret areas that contain lyrics to nursery rhymes and stories from long ago. Words to songs from the 60s and 70s. Jokes somehow get really lost in there, I can not remember a joke to save my butt, however if someone tells a joke I have heard, I know the punch line. Stories of my life that I don’t want to remember, but they surface, memories that come back as if they were from right now. How does it do that?

Humor is somewhere in there. I laugh at stuff at weird times, I laugh when I am stressed, I laugh when I am tired. How does the brain get programmed to laugh at times when others get angry. I have been in situations in my life( I remember them because somewhere in the brain they are sitting there, waiting to be inspired) ( the time of inspiration has arrived) situations where I am being reprimanded, and my brain is trying to make me laugh. Do you know how much trouble my brain gets me in when I have laughed at an angry teacher, parent or other person. I have to wipe at my lips to force the smile down.

It is a practical joker too, there are times it likes to go blank, dah feeling, where I am walking somewhere in the house and forget why I headed that way, so I go back to what I was doing and my brain starts teasing me with why I went in the other direction. Look at this brain (courtesy of image daytonamagic) don’t you find it amazing that this thing that looks like a large worm colony controls our life? Our sense of taste, feeling, smell, sight, hearing, pain, love, hate, creativity, every heart beat, every breath, every step, our blood cells going through our system, everything about us. I look at this and I know there is a God, there is some great creator, for how else can it be explained the miracle of life. So tonight, I thank God for my brain, and for the rest of me too. May you have happy thoughts and much awareness at this awesome gift of life that you have been given. Cindy

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I was going through some pictures and came upon one that had a reflection in the mirror . As I enlarged that mirror image, I found a world of faces and expressions that were not intended for the picture. I was actually taking a picture of 100_0805_edited my niece getting ready to blow out her candles on her birthday cake, this mirror is behind her, above her head, incidental in the reason for the photo.

As I look at the reflections, it was kind of eerie in a way. It reminded me of when you see a movie or read a book and there are flashbacks to times gone by. To pictures in our memories that are imbedded. Something triggers the memory to come real, and without warning, the memory is here.

The smiles these folks have on their faces, each person is recording this moment in time in their own memory, while the camera captured it all too.

I bet my niece had no idea the sincere smiles at her at that moment, but the camera captured them. I look further into this portion of a much larger photo, and I see it was 6:15 PM as we were all gathered together. And very neatly the cups are placed, miniature candy canes in one cup, standing tall, asking to be tried, tested, tasted.

A lone frog, sitting there, observing the events, smiling too. The richness in the leaves of the ivy draped over the mirror, placed with love and creativity. 100_0802 The focus in the photo, as you can see below is the lighting of the candles, but the emotions, the support, the family ties- they lie in the image, the reflection, the places we forget about, the moments we forget.

How many images in the background of our minds are hidden away, not even knowing they exist, so wrapped up in other things that we miss them, for I did not remember or realize these smiles caught in this second of time. I did not remember anything about this moment, but the lighting of the candles , and the smile of my niece. So it brings to the surface, to my mind, that when I do not know folks are watching, they just may be. And it is not what I intend for folks to remember that is important, it is what I may never have thought they would that I need to always be careful of.  What images in the cameras and memories of the world to people have of each of us? Thanks for your time, and I hope you feel my love, Cindy ( * click*)

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