When March 9th Became More Than Another Day

March 9th 40 years ago became such a special day in my life. Life has a tendency to make marks on times of the year or specific days, and some of those memories can be great, okay, or sad. But March 9th, 1982 was the day I laid eyes on my precious little boy.

Our life has been a journey for sure, but in that journey from the very first moment he breathed on his own, he has never stopped showing his strength, his will to live, his ability to cherish moments and share his very contagious smile and laugh.

The moment my eyes meant Jeffs

It was a LONG labor, with multiple strengths of Pitocin to try to encourage labor, but Jeff moved around and fought the medication for 31 hours.  And finally, after fighting for so long, an emergency C Section was performed, and this precious 10 + pound baby boy came into this world. He took a breath and his lungs started to collapse, so he was rushed off to the nursery, and an IV was placed in his scalp and he was put on 100 % oxygen, and they ran into my room with the incubator to let us see each other for a split second or two, for a moment he opened his eyes and his lips spread as if to say “Hi mom” and then off he went to NICU in a hospital many miles away.

He fought his days of treatment with the will to never give up. And 4 days later he was returned to the hospital I was at, we got to physically meet without a chamber of plexiglass, and tubes and oxygen separating us. Yes that was when our journey began together. 

Even in NICU, being picked and prodded, with not a lot of human connection, he showed his smile, and his will to take on whatever life challenges came his way,

We got to go home and start our journey on his 9th day of life, and from that day forward he has never stopped. He was really a great baby, being a new mom, he filled the house with smiles and memories.  His dad worked about 68  miles away, and so the days were Jeffs’s and ours, and later evenings and nights we were all together.  At about 2 weeks old I captured this picture of him, and I think it is representing his saying

” Is that all you’ve got life, bring it on, I am ready “ 

Yep, he has a smile that can melt the coldest of heart, and a determination to only become stronger, and better. 

As a mom, I feel blessed to have had Jeff as my son. He has traveled many turns and twists in life over the few years of his life, and I truly believe, with all we had been through, he never stopped smiling, and encouraging me. 

Life is not predictable, life is not a guarantee of sunshine and rainbows, without and of life’s storms. For there can not be rainbows without storms, and rainbows are something that makes the storm a little easier. As I think about the years gone by. I wanted to share just a few of the memories in celebration of his birthday.

As Jeff grew, from the age of 1 and going forward, he loved cars, emergency vehicles, pick-up trucks, and big trucks.

He would play with his various hot wheels for hours on end, putting them in order and pushing the line back and forth. If one fell off the tabletop he would laugh uncontrollably, pick it up and restack the line. It is funny how through all these years, he still loves vehicles of all sorts. 

As the times passed he has never stopped smiling. His dad and I had split up, we lived alone for over a year, and he kept on filling my life with so many blessings. And one day I met Mark,  who also was a single parent with a child. Jeff got to go from hot wheels to BIG trucks, as Mark drove a tractor-trailer.  We both had every other weekend with our children, he was gone a lot during the weekdays, but when he was home, he dedicated the time with Jeff and with his daughter every other weekend. Filling them with experiences and memories.                    Jeff got opportunities to see big trucks up close and personal,and one time one of the company driver’s trucks had gone off the road, Mark brought Jeff over to see the truck, he couldn’t stop talking about it for days on end.

 It is funny because a few years later when he was in kindergarten, his teacher called me and said she was concerned because of how Jeff fabricated things about his life and things he had done and seen, and how these exaggerations seemed to become real to him.  So I asked her for some examples, and she shared how he talked about seeing this truck and about touching it and the way it was crushed, about riding in a big truck, about how I was in nursing school and that I worked evenings, but that every Thursday we would go out to dinner at Friendlies and talk about his days at kindergarten, and how he traveled a lot on the thruway and seeing different places. I chuckled and said, they are all true, as I smiled and explained, he is not fabricating any of these things, he loves all the things he has experienced thus far, and I am sure there will be many many more. These are just a tiny portion of memories from all the years of being a mom, I will share more at another time I am sure. 

Yes life has many twists and turns and we know not yet what lies ahead, but looking in the rearview mirror of life, over these last 40 years, I would not change a thing. Because of this guy’s smile, his belief in me, his trust in me, his snicker that explodes into a full-face laugh, his determination to find answers and to help others, he has helped me step each step. Jeff was never anything but a blessing to me, he changed my life 40 years ago, and I feel so very blessed. And as life changes how much we see each other, how many more experiences we will have together,  it never changes my love for him.

Happy Birthday Jeffrey Todd, Happy Happy Birthday. 

With so much love, … until later, Mom…. Mrs justa…. 

 

 

The Waves of Life

I am not quite sure what it is about the waves, but they are cleansing to me. They are so powerful, they make me realize our problems can be looked at in many ways. They make me remember that my existence is such a tiny part of the whole picture we call life.

We went up to the lake the other day, as the winds were fairly strong and the waves were having a fun time splashing anything that came in their path. The rolling of the waves is neat, no 2 waves are the same, the roar of them, the evolving of them from a thought, to existence, to gone.

As I stood in that very cold wind, with Mark and the seagulls around me , as we were watching the majestic side of life. We watched and heard the water as it brought sounds to normally a much quieter place.

It made me think about me, I am so much like a calm lake, I very rarely make a peep, it is like my brain is swarming with thoughts but they stay there.

I am mostly pretty passive, but also very loyal to my life, my husband, our true friends and family. I am a helper and lend calming hands when needed. Like the calmness of the lake.

There are those people in life though that are more like the crashing waves. Loud, seemingly angry, in a rush, and never stop to absorb the world around them. They preach doom and gloom and basically do not seem to realize the blessings life has provided. They come and go so fast it is like a blur. Those people I feel anxious around, unnerved, and far from peaceful.

That is probably why I enjoy the quiet of my life. I may have bumps along the road, but we work them out. Life is not full of problems, it is how we handle the challenges of life that count. We can be loud and bold, or we can analyze the situation quickly and do the best we can. For in life there is good and bad… the bad and the good of life interchange, the way we handle it is more what is important. This seagull reminded me of that…

There was a pretty big wave coming into shore and it was headed to get me and the seagull in front of me rather wet.  I stepped back. To my amazement, the seagull jumped straight up so it did not get splashed and then went right back down. Like it was on a trampoline.

AS I walked back to the car, I thought about life, and that seagull represented how I believe I need to continue to look at life. A problem comes, it is just that a problem. Take a proverbial leap, and handle the problem and move on to the next minute of life.

Yep… do not drown in troubles, look for the good. until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

Wrapped Up in Busyness

I find it rather amusing in a sick sort of way the busyness of the world. There are so many agendas in the world, so many agendas people each have, so many lost minutes enjoy life because of them. We become like the busy bees frantically making honey.

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There are a couple commercials that actually do a tongue and cheek approach to that. The one is 2 men sitting on a couch. They are the same guy 30 days different in their journey of life. The one dude is on the couch, dressed neatly, in brighter light enjoying his internet service because he changed companies. So in his “here and now world”, everyone can do everything they want to online, at the same time.

The other guy ( it is the same man but from 30 days prior ) he is in a bathrobe, unshaven, his side of the couch is gloomy, his hair unkept and he is whining about his slow internet service. Out comes his agenda board, it is written on in tiny print, a schedule of when people in the house can have a turn on the internet. An agenda that people are supposed to follow or you miss your opportunity to go on line. When this 30 days back from the present guy hears that the here and now guy has this bigger, better faster internet- he whines about he wants that too.

I look at this in a number of ways:

• first maybe we all need to have a cell phone tray at the door when we come in
• maybe we need to talk to one another instead of being worried whose turn it is
• Maybe we need to pay more attention to the people that are around us
• maybe we need to stop keeping score making sure you get your equal amount of whatever it is

The next one is a lady in bed with a calendar.

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She and her husband are discussing what day he can fit in getting a laceration and stitches. He had to reschedule because that specific say he was thinking was taken by someone getting the flu, and he was out probably a few weeks because there were already scheduled ear infections, coughs and other ailments.  It is an advertisement for the urgent care centers available at anytime day or night, but the sad fact is, in this crazy fast-paced world, we almost have to schedule when we take the next breath. We tend to be so damn busy that I think often we might totally not notice things around us. Or remember what we wore the day before, what we ate last, or how a person looked last time we whizzed by them on our way to tackle the next task.

I say it often, and find it interesting that the commercials just demonstrate in a rather interesting way that maybe we need to slow down a little.

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Do any of us know if last night there were stars our? Or what colors illuminated the sky at sunset? Or with any individual interactions with people yesterday, what were they wearing? Did they look like they were feeling okay?

When was the last time we played a board game with family? Or had a family dinner? Or met with friends for coffee to just enjoy one another’s company? When was the last time we read a book to a child, shared a walk on a shore, strolled down a path in the woods?

The little things in life, the ones we should not have to schedule, we need more of those times.

I am off to start my day, and hopefully tomorrow morning I will be able to look in my rear view mirror of life and see a sunset or stars twinkling, or a  brave flower as it tries to uncover from the long winter.

MAy you each take time for life…. Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

Why….

What have we become as a nation? What have we slowly accepted as okay? What message are we sending to our children? WHY?

Maybe it is okay to be so self-centered, so ME focused, that we trod through the precious minutes of life not caring about the future, not caring about the sanctity of life, love, and the blessings of life. In the world, there is so much good that can be focused on, there are so many opportunities to help others, to protect, to teach, to learn.

I am not referring to everyone, I am referring to what we are easily exposed to in so many places.

I am beyond being able to be shocked until the next time something is thrown in our faces to shock me more. This is a list of just what was presented via news, entertainment – what we can easily run across just by being.

I do not understand why we invest so much time, so much money, so much effort into “marches”  “Demonstrations”  and ‘hateful behavior” —

Yet it is a very small percentage of exposure we get to the good of people, the good of individuals- not government being expected to do for us— but for us doing things for one another- like the ones lending a helping hand, those helping those who need help, working together to help lessen the poor in this nation, providing support for children. We need more helping people to learn about parenting, encouraging marriages to last, enlightening people in the blessings of life, respecting each other.

I hope we can find a more human respectful life, a less judgemental life, and appreciate every second — it will be gone too soon.

Until later, Mrs Justa, alias Cindy

 

 

Being a Buoy

We are all different, some quiet, some are known when they are in the presence of others, and some are darn right annoying because their behavior is that they are the only one that matters.

I wonder what makes us be the way we are. I was thinking about me, if I had to look for something I am like, I find a buoy is probably that best description. Buoys are just there, they can provide safety to alert of danger, they do not cause harm, they are pretty simple and bob along as the world goes by calmly, or thrashes around me.

As I bob through every minute of my life- going forward and for the minutes that have  gone by, I watch, I observe, I say few words, and if the waters are calm, I am still… if the waters are rough I tip back and forth, look like I might lose my purpose, but in the end, I am still there.

Birds can perch on me, a boat can be warned of danger by me, I guide to safety and I can be held onto in a bind. A buoy is always there as life goes by. Winter makes me more of a buoy, but this spring, as the weather warms,  I think my weighed down buoy is going to be more like a leaf in a breeze, and we may take time to explore places not visible in my buoy existence. God gave us life, and such breathtaking things to do, every once in a while, Mark and I – well we are going to start seeing them again.

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

Some people in life are like the Rock of Gibraltar. It is a reference used for hundreds of years in varying settings, basically thinking of them as a place one can rely on for support, providing confidence, never faltering.

And when that Rock isn’t feeling 100%, it is like the universe is not aligned.

My mom was like that, the dependable person, always supporting, never showing signs of weakness, or inability to perform at her best. Like an ever-ready bunny. On those few occasions when she just was not at 100%, I felt like nothing was for certain if that makes sense. Also, I felt like I wanted to help her, but since she didn’t really let anyone know how they could help her, I would do little things to appear like I was making a difference, but maybe I wasn’t.

I kinda do the same thing that mom did,. I rarely ask for help, and I have the infamous to do list, I just keep ticking along, step after step. and I get things done.

Well, this week has not been that way.

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I have been battling a lot of upper head congestion, and an annoying as all get out cough, and just not feeling right. It is an effort to do things that normally just get done. Mark is offering to help where he can, – the God, but I just want to feel better.

Ya know I am sick if I sleep in- or go to take a nap. Yesterday I got up at 1PM. And I have gone to bed at 11PM the night before. That is totally not me. Nope, I am a 5-6 hr sleep is enough person.

Today though I worked on the taxes, Mark helped, and we got through them. Damn- THANK GOD for ONLINE ability- and THANK GOD for TURBOTAX !!!! I can not even imagine being half as smart as turbo tax is !

Now that is done , it is one thing off the TODO list that was like a staple line on each of my to-do lists since 1-1-19. So I am giving into this crappy last few weeks, and not going to do more than necessary- hopefully tomorrow will be me— back to being me. I hope this finds you as strong as the Rock of Gibraltar… I will look forward to that strength, that shield of indestructible armor tomorrow.

Until later— Mrs justa alias CIndy

 

 

 

One Step at a time

We all have had times when life can seem overwhelming, or a day is coming quicker than we want it to and we have so much to do to prepare for whatever that day is marked for. It can be a situation at home, at work, a special event, a party, a wedding, a change-in-life event. The bottom line is, we can be all focused on the moment way before it happens, and it can stress us to the max.

One thing I have learned from life,

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and also have to steadily remind myself that I have learned it is you get to the peak of the mountain one step at a time, if we look up at it and know we need to get there, we see it as one giant step, but it isn’t.

It is true for every single thing really. A shawl is crocheted one stitch at a time. A novel is written one word at a time. A driveway full of snow is cleared one step at a time.

Nature itself takes one step at a time. If it did not, we would not experience a walk through deep snow or sand between our toes.  How many grains of sand make a seashore? How many snowflakes does it take to make an inch of snow?

That currently is how I look at everything. The important thing is we take those steps. We have our lives in order, we lessen the “good intentions” and turn them into works in process, and at some point a completion, a check off the to-do list of life.

Just think of all the things that would never be- if the focus on the summit discouraged the process to begin. If the thought of the finished bridge made it overwhelming to begin…

I currently am updating a reference sheet of our life, it is a good intention, meant to do it a zillion times in the past few YEARS, and now I will take the steps to get it completed for right now.

A reference sheet of life informs those who might be covering for us if we are sick, or have to be away for a while, or when we leave this earth for our permanent home. It tells who is owed what, what insurances we have, what accounts we have, is there a will, who is the lawyer. Where things are filed and kept. It is never finalized, as things will change, but it needs to be updated and checked for currentness probably every year at the max.

I looked at ours and it has information that is no longer accurate. So that is my mountain summit for right now. One word at a time, one line at a time– it will feel good to get to the top.

I hope you have a great day, take one step at a time. Until alter, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

Quality not Quantity

I often find my mind taking me back in time, and remember that through most of the years of my life, it was the times spent with the special men in my life, not the times away from that I remember most. As a very young girl, it was my dad. He was the comfort, the strength, a gift. His job had him away during the week and home on Thurs nights and back out on a short sales run, returning usually Friday nights.

Our time together meant everything to me. I remember his hand holding mine securely, his voice was deep, his love for all of us was unending. I remember his hugs, his laughter.

He used to say I was his princess. I remember how he tried to take time for each of us. and my time I saved in a vault in my mind, in my heart. It brings me comfort in so many ways.

I remember how he was one who would remind me through the years he was alive, that life never promised to be all good, bad things happen, and that somehow the bad turns into good again.

Karen was 10 years older than me, and it is funny in the couple of pictures I have of her with me and dad, she is always looking back at me. I can only imagine I was a chatty little one.

We all remember dad in different ways I am sure. Karen was 10 when I was born, so she already had 10 years of memories before my dad times started.

Pam my next older sister was 1 1/2 yrs older than me. She and I had a lot of fun and not so fun times, just due to age, and I always felt a tad bit of jealousy from her. She too had memories of dad, and dads death took a really bad toll on her. To the point that as an adult woman, every anniversary of his death she would end up in a severe depression. Sometimes to the point of needing an inpatient admission to help her get to the other side.

As I got older, there have been men in my life who also had employment that required they be gone a good percentage of the weeks. I never ever regretted that, I accepted it without any second thought, because the time they were home, was valuable, treasured and never taken for granted. It is not the amount of time spent, it is how we use the time when we have it to spend. To be constantly together, 24/7; I think it becomes an expectation, I think there are moments that would be more special if they were not routine.

During the first 10 years of my life, I remember my mom, however times I remember more vividly are those in which my mom and dad were there. I wonder often how life would have been had he not died when I was 10. Time with dad, it was quality time, the pieces fit together.

As I look back on my own adult life, Mark was away often for his job, just like my dad was. It was how life was. When our own kids were growing up- we tried to spend quality time with them when Mark was home. We would go to some places – often places that did not cost a penny, yet their value priceless. Walks in parks, sitting on docks, camping in our pup tents, later advancing to pop-ups. Playing ball, frisbee, Yahtzee, the list goes on.

And now the times with our grandchildren, the moments are treasured, they are not routine, and we do things with them. It is the special times, times giving of oneself and really focusing on the other person, those are quality times.

AS I am off for a new week, I am going to work on quality and not quantity…

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

Trusting In …..

We live life sometimes feeling like we know exactly the next step. Our alarm clock will go off, we will get up, we brush our teeth, do whatever routine in the morning we do, and move to the next part of our day. However when the alarm clock does not go off, or there is no water pressure, or maybe we fall out of bed instead of getting up the usual way, well it kinda puts our synched life out of order.

We trust everything will go as planned, and yet there are the things that don’t.

It gets even trickier when we take the next step, drive the car, reach for something, heck even getting something from a cupboard. Everything we do we trust will end the same way.

Now we can try to protect ourselves from areas where things can’t go wrong, but we become people in bubbles. Less can go wrong, but things happen.

I was thinking about trust and faith to extend beyond the simpler bullet points of a day. I was reminded in my thoughts of this day, this fall day when this never could have been, had life been kept inside the bubble. I took this at an angle to show the freedom, the joy of the moment. Jeff trusted he would get caught, and he loved the feeling of freedom. The look on his face, the total relaxation of his body, he trusted thigs will be okay, and without that trust, the picture would have been totally different- it might have been a terrified face and fingers clutching so tight to the neck of his dad- like please don’t make me do this. But no– he totally trusted and because of that experienced something way out of the ordinary.

As we get older and heavier, that opportunity – that specific scenario – could not be, or would probably not end in a laugh. However, as we age, inventors have created ways to get that feeling and beyond. I takes a lot more effort from the person achieving the liftoff, however, it needs to be accompanied by trust. Trust that the winds are right, trust your legs are ready for a rather fast run, trust the equipment was not faulty. If however, you have the trust, that sense of freedom can be yours. This person was on an elevated area, beyond the takeoff area was an incredible valley, miles of land colored with the brilliance of fall.

Life has been full of trusting, we trust in relationships, we trust in our day to day activities, our jobs, our everything……and yes we also trust we will be cleaning the bruises- whether inside or outside, and some scars that show the roadmap of my life. I want to always feel that feeling that life is going to be okay, that feeling I get every time I remember that fall day with Jeff. I never ever want to stop trusting that even when things don’t go quite as planned, the trust and faith are so important.

Until later,  Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

Planning Sometimes Is Just That

As we go through life we plan for things. We plan for trips or places to live. We plan for futures, and we plan for retirement.

As I sat in a local diner tonight with my husband, our table was in the center. Around us were other table and booths lined the walls. It seemed to be mostly patrons who were well known, and who seemed to be much older then we are. It felt as if we were in a dinner theater in the round. With the play being skits of people lives. People came in and left, waitresses cleared the tables, kind of like at a play when the light get turned down, the curtain falls, and another scene comes to be.

I felt surrounded by people who probably had made plans for their lives, and probably health reasons and life setbacks, well they changed their plans. As one man had come in with his wife, he was trying to move into the booth, his left side was not coordinated and weak, so as he slid in it was like his right side was pushing the left side in. He said to her, can you believe this is how we ended up, as she tried to help him get situated. Plans can get washed away, or reshaped. We can endure or let them take control of us .

Couples here and there, obviously some with significant health challenges, none who appeared they could be north-south travelers. It made me wonder what does the future look like? No one knows. The best plans can be dissolved in a moments notice. I think we have to accept that just because we plan it to be a certain way, that does not mean it will be. The sun rises and sets, and we have no idea what is next.

As we went to leave, a man was walking out in front of us. He had been joking with the waitresses, he had a nonstressed face, he needed a cane, his stride was not fast, but gingerly. He told us he was 91, he came there every night for dinner, he said he lives alone. He loves to talk with the gals and seems to look forward to coming there. We complimented his outlook on life, and he said he lives life lightly, doesn’t have his head down, he looks up all the time. He did not talk about heartbreak, but I sure he has had some. He displayed a love for what life offers him a minute at a time. Appreciating each sunrise and sunset.

I think that is how we need to be. We can plan, and realize those plans can change in a heartbeat. It is hard enough to plan for the next few days or weeks, let alone the future of life.

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

Another Year In The Rear View Mirror

Today marks yet another year of life. The moments are but footprints, soon to be washed away, yet leaving impressions in our memory banks. A year of hopefully some positive that happened, a year for some filled with one or more life-changing moments, and a year that some may want to run out of as quickly as possible.

I have a friend who married a man that is her soul mate. I mean to the max. The love you see in their eyes when she talks about him- about them- in their interactions captured on photos, it has been a truly blessed year for her.

I have a friend, she is a soulmate friend, we think alike, we just know when the other needs a call, a text, a visit, we say the same things, .. well she and her husband retired. They totally changed their living situation, sold a home, bought a place in Florida and have a permanent park setting on a lake in Upstate New York… Part of her time south, part up here. Oh, they had some major bumps along the journey, but all in all, looking at their smiles and stress-free facial expressions, it has been a good year for them.

Mark’s and my year, whoa, we look in the rearview mirror of that, and it has been full. We started the year with a 6-month mania for Mark, the incredible changes in our lives during that time and the challenges for him to face the 4 1/2 months of climbing out of depression. I experienced changing my department at work in August due to my place of employment being acquired by a very large company and learning oh so many new things. It is a good thing, just a big change. We spent some fun rewarding times with the grandkids and spent some great times with family. We helped Marks mom as she transitioned from an apartment to an Assisted Living Environment. Yes, it has been a year.

I think about life, each breath, each step, each second is like a snowflake. By itself, it may not mean much, but add them together and it creates memories, it creates opportunities. And as quickly as a snowflake can melt, so can the moment be gone. I look back on the year and think of all the things different, of the few more aches that might be there at times, and I wonder what lies ahead.

I long to treasure each moment, to look for the good in everything, and to be the best I can be.  I am thankful for what has been and what is yet to come. I realize that life is full of changes, of hurt and of happiness. I feel blessed that I am aware of the presence of those who have passed on still being here for me in their subtle ways. I feel thankful to have been blessed with my husband, our kids, and our grandkids. I am thankful for my siblings and all the members of our family, my friends, the church I attend and thankful for living my life in the comfort of God.

As I look ahead, I do not know what each day will bring, but each breath I take, each step I make will be with the intent to be the best I can be for that moment.  The saying “moss won’t grow on a rolling stone” will continue to be a reminder to keep moving…  So as I end this year with this post, I wish all have time to reflect, to look ahead. Happy New Year. Until next year, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

A memory of Mine

I was listening to music in my mind, it is like I have a jukebox ready to play a song, no one else hears it, so anywhere I am, a melody, lyrics, a place in my past comes to life. This one song seems to come back over and over again.

“Cause who’s gonna know but me
Who’ll help me recall those small memories
When I’m all that’s left of this family of three
Who’s gonna know but me” Kathy Mattea

As it played I had looked up on a shelf, and so quietly sits this little doll. She has quietly sat in places I have been since I was 9 years old.

No one knows or even asks why, and she sits there doing what she has been doing for many many years.

This little braided blond-haired doll was a gift to me. I received it at a very scary time in my life.

When I was 9, I was admitted for simple tonsillectomy. It was in June, I remember the excitement of being able to be through with school early because of my surgery. It was also a time of anxiousness and chaos because we were about to move from Skaneateles to Bayberry, into our very first new house and not a rental.

The hospital had a ward for all the kids getting the surgery. It was little an assembly line that day. When I arrived with mom and dad it was surreal in a way, the kids were all in stages of the procedure day. Some scared and waiting their turn, some sleeping after they had had their surgery, some getting sips of cool drinks, and some- yeah they hit the top and got a little dixie cup of ice cream. Dad saw me looking around at the “unknown what next expressions” and he said in a little while I will be able to drink and get ice cream.

Off to surgery, I remember my trembling on the stretcher from being scare. My mom and dad tried to tuck the blanket (it looked like a large receiving blanket ) and talking so softly to try to help me calm down.

The operating room was huge, and this man put on my face a clear mask, the stuff tasted like something I will never forget, aether. Next thing I know, I am back in the ward. As I became aware of the room and my parents, I also became aware of my sore throat. I felt super sick, and they kept telling me to not throw up. However, there was an emesis basin ready if I did.

And low and behold, I needed it, and the was lots of red blood … the cold drinks and ice cream rewards changed to a rush return to a procedure area because my surgery had torn an area and they had to work to stop the bleeding. It was terrifying, I felt alone,  and the man doing the procedures did not speak English very well, and kept saying to me “one more time” as he held these long cotton covered type rolls and pushed them in the back of my throat using his very large gloved finger. It hurt, it was awful, each gauze roll tasted like crap, I was not supposed to swallow as he did this ( but I did swallow one in the process) After the 6th one more time, that huge finger came into my throat and a clamped my teeth down and literally bit through the latex. He was dancing around and saying ouch… and that was his last “one more time.

They took these swabs and somehow ties them together – one tight against the outside or my nostrils, string thru my nostrils and another was attached at the back of my throat. I was not going home, I had to stay overnight.

When I got back to the ward, dad had this doll sitting on my nightstand. He said she would watch over me when he wasn’t going to be there. See mom was pregnant for Martha, and there were 4 kids at home – 11,6,5,2,.. we were in moving mode, and plans just took a turn because I could not come home.

All night long though, this little doll became my comfort, she watched over me that night and still has, all these years later. She has been everywhere I have lived since I was 9. She has gone through the moments of sadness and joy, the various events of my life. She has been comforting, encouraging, and show patience. But most of all, she represents the love of a parent a love that lives on long after their earthly bodies have not. And not once has she let me down… she always has the angelic look that everything is going to be ok.

I wanted to share her with you.

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

 

Do It Right

I am kind of amazed at the attitude of some businesses, some employees, some people who do just enough to let a person know they exist, but not enough to be done to the full need. There are plenty of people who do things well, that attitude is not gone, it is just frustrating when it is the other way.

Today it just happened to be a dealer for Honda. But it does not start and stop there. I am sure you have experienced the same thing more often than not. We received a notice in the mail stating we need to call our dealer. It seems our car has a defect within the software that can cause gas to go into the oil.

Now a couple weeks ago, we actually had the car there for an oil change early because the oil did not look right and smelled like gasoline. The service folks said it was nothing to worry about and our VIN number was not listed, so basically away with you.

Well, Honda sees it differently and wants us to be aware that we need to get the vehicle in for the repair. So Mark calls there this morning, he asks for service, he is put on hold for God knows how long by the receptionist, as jolly Christmas music plays in the background. When the service department never picks up, the receptionist comes back on and tells him the service department is very busy, and can’t answer the phone, someone will call back.

4 1/2 hours later, Mark calls back…. again jolly Christmas music, and no one answers, and the receptionist comes back on again to say the service department is very busy, and can’t answer the phone, someone will call back. Mark says- “You said that 4 1/2 hrs ago” . She apologized and said someone will call, that the phones are busy because people are calling back because no one has called them.

No one has called back yet. I think if the company cared about the customers, someone could at least return a call to help to get an appointment scheduled. Or just to give an update on when we might expect a callback. But no, nothing. And this is supposed to be ok?

It seems there is a thought process that some people have, that so much effort is good enough, but to put only part effort in, no matter what it is, is not something to be proud of.

Briella did these puzzles, and she never gave up, she concentrated and gave them her all, you can see her self pride..

 

 

You can see it when the boys helped grandpa and cleared the deck of snow last winter.

It just makes you feel good to do something and do it well.             To do a task, and give it 100% attention, that is self-satisfying, it feels like a sense of accomplishment.

Life is like that, no matter what it is. Our interactions with others, our time by ourselves. Time with our youth, at work, in public or at home… we need to set examples and help others see how doing it fully-     (whatever “it” is)  is something we all should strive for. From the moment we wake up until we go to sleep, no matter what our actions, our task, our missions are, no matter the scenario, we need to be the best we can be. Driving, living, walking, doing… do it and do it well…

Okay, that is my thought for this moment in time.

Until later, Mrs. Justa alias Cindy

 

 

Subtle Hints

We all have had times when we have had done to us, or we have done subtle hints to someone else. Those times when someone, something is almost unnoticeable but”speaks” volumes. A moment of actions or nudges of our senses to direct us in a direction or action.

This morning I had a subtle hint from Riley. She does it most mornings. She never barks and seldom whimpers to request help or indicate she would like you to do something. ( Now if you are someone coming onto her domain and she senses “stranger danger” or is so excited you have come to visit the quiet life we have here- she will make vocal notice you are here), but the day to day stuff, she is the queen of subtle hints.

It is 4:30 AM, and that is the time the adults need to wake up to pee. But it is 4:30— we have more sleep time. I nestle back under the flannel sheets, drift back to grab that next hour, and there is a cold wet nose that feels like it is 4 feet long- on my cheek. A nudge or two of that nose, just to say “HEY, did you forget something?”  See she loves that last sleep time to spend with us, totally under the covers, down at our feet. We lift the covers, I say “under” and 99.9% of the time she is under there way past the time I get up.

She won’t bark to go out. She comes and stares at you.

The “staring” from under my desk” when I am working

Now if you are not noticing this dog STARING at you, trying to levitate you with her visual trance, well she becomes a little less subtle. She may lay her head on your lap and stare up at you like a lost puppy. If that does not work, there is the getting on paw up and nudging you by moving her paw back and forth. Still too dense to “hear her” – well that calls for standing on her back paws and the front ones become a canine masseuse, at first I can think “awe she is giving me a back rub’, But if that doesn’t make me stop working or whatever I am doing at the time, the whimper will finally start. She does not go in the house, she just does not do that, unless she is sick. She is a persistent little one thankfully, because reading, or computer work, well it is easy to get lost in what I am doing and totally oblivious to the mime-like dog we have.

It is funny, but being unable to speak she speaks loudly at times. I was baking this weekend, and I would look to my right, and Riley would sometimes be sitting at the sliding glass door, looking out, almost like she is at attention. I noticed her there, her position was so perfectly postured, I asked: ” Do you have to go out?”… She stood, she wagged her tail and yep that was what she wanted.

Imagine being unable to speak words? Imagine only being able to talk by a nudge, a stare, a gesture.

The world is full of so many things that can not use words. Today it is Riley I am focused on, but there will be other times to share.

Have a great day everyone, Until later, Mrs. Justa alias Cindy

 

 

Another of Life Situations #??!!

How we handle situations is our choice. We can get really frustrated, or take a deep breath, and realize it is the way it is, and react in the most positive way possible. Now the most positive way just brings the reaction a tad away from sometimes screaming, wanting to stomp our feet or saying things we did not want to say.

Today I took a 1/2 day off. The temperature was going to be in the 50s, and we wanted to bring a few things to a very special person, a surprise of sorts. We are about an hour into the trip and Mark and I were both thinking the same thing—- we put the things in a gift bag, but it has a Christmas theme… what if we take those special items out of the gift bag, and transfer them to a regular canvas bag, so as not to give the impression it was for Christmas, avoiding the awkward feelings of them not having something for us… .

See years ago we had stopped buying adult friends and each other Christmas gifts because we and basically every adult we knew got things they wanted and needed throughout the year. The pressure and stress of making sure that we got the right gift, of not forgetting someone, getting something the other wanted,  worrying that the other didn’t spend more, feeling flustered over what they wanted- it became the focus instead of what Christmas is about. So the gifts, well we get special gifts for the kids.

Other than that, we really do not exchange gifts except 🙂 at the Christmas Eve gathering at my brother and his wife’s home. They graciously have a Christmas Eve stroganoff family gathering and all adults and teens get a $20.00 gift. It is a $20.00 gift that goes under the tree. No labeling. It is meant to be a gift that is serious not a gag gift. And something that if you got it back- well you would love it. We all draw numbers, and each person will take a gift starting at the poor sucker who is number one. As each person opens the gift they chose, they can look around at already opened gifts and swap with someone who already opened a gift. So theoretically that number one person does not want to get attached to the gift they opened because it could get taken from you, and then the next person down who opens a gift might want the gift poor number one got in the last swap. Being these are the only gifts we get, we really like the thoughtfulness that goes into the gift someone else put into their purchase.

So back to today…. we wanted to take advantage of the warm weather and bring these things to her. We stopped 1/2 way there, we grab one of our canvas bags, and go to do the switch, only to realize, we have the wrong bag. At first, I am thinking we could turn around, and add another 2 hrs to this venture, that thought went before I even said it. Then I was really upset with me because I was who took the one gift bag and put it by the door to make sure we remembered it.

I looked at Mark, anticipating his disappointment but instead, he said well, I guess we’ll have to go back another time. Then we were thinking that we can just mail them. He tried to comfort me, he did not display anger or disappointment, ( even if he felt like it cuz I know I did ) he could tell I was bumming big time, and he said it will be fine.

Now as we continued our venture, I begin to get out of the moment and into the future. THANK GOD we decided to stop, intending to move the gifts to the canvas bag. Crap can you imagine the scenario if she had been handed this bag, took out the gift, and I am thinking holy crap, what would our expressions have been? How awkward, ya can’t tell a person that it really wasn’t for them, or laugh it off and take it back….and it was not something that would have even been meant for her. I am sure graciously she might have said- ” Oh thank you” or “oh you shouldn’t have” with a kind of questioning tone and wondering what were we thinking.!!! So as we proceeded down the highway, we had a nice visit, and well the things we have, we can get to her later.

The gift that almost wasn’t, is in the car, and I truly believe that had a dab of spiritual intervention. The scenarios of how it could have been are laughable now… it was a nice drive down, a nice visit, and the gift that almost wasn’t- well it still is…

I hope you find the holiday season memorable, enjoy the people, the laughter and take time to remember what Christmas is about.

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

Interacting and Technology

So as I was making my weekly grocery list on a pad of real paper, with an actual pen, I was thinking- hey I could just go online, and order this all.. and …. nope— STOP…. I am going to continue to go out and shop for groceries. I enjoy seeing others, I enjoy making sure what we are buying is what we intended to buy, …

Well, this got me thinking… I think as the world continues to advance, to become more virtual, we have to remember to have real-life experiences. We need to interact with face to face, real life, and reach out and touch moments.

To see peoples face on face time is a great tool, because people can be in places you can not be, and have a conversation with them. However, doing face time with people that are just a few miles away, well I feel that going outside and seeing them might be the option to take.

We can now go to our computer, cell phone, tablet or probably talk in the air to “Alexa” or “Google” devices, give a list of things we need from the store, and have it delivered to our doorstep, or have someone waiting to load it in our car.

Instead of face to face, touch the items, one can buy virtually anything without going out and seeing it. And God forbid it not be what we expected from the image online we ordered it from. Instead, had we just gone to a local vendor, a store, a warehouse and seen it, felt it, looked it over, well then we know what we are buying.

Now everyone ( including me) can make all the excuses and reasons why this is so great. It keeps me away from germs of others, I do not need to deal with long lines, it gives me more time to fill up my day with a bunch of other stuff. Heck before we know it we have fit what used to be 36 hrs of actions in an 18 hr day.

We do not have to go to a movie- nope we can sit in the comfort of our home and watch the movie, stop it when we want, and put it back on after we pee, or grab a drink, or stretch, AND we can watch it in our jammies. Now I am not saying this is wrong, it does, however, take away the “going out to a move” experience. The smell of the popcorn, the darkness as you sit on seats in rows that are on an inclining floor.

There is nothing that replaces taking a trip to a planetarium. The music, the narrator, the feeling you are in a spaceship in orbit as they show us the universe, the night sky.

To show a child a firefly cupped in your hand, or to show them virtually via a YouTube image– well the magic is definitely in the first option.

 

Playing games, yes real hands-on , touch the pieces, not only hear the voice of your opponent but to see their eyes, to laugh in the same room, that is so much a component of that experience. Oh I know we can get games and our opponent is part of the game, we had this one game where we could choose the country and type of opponent we wanted. A man calling you “Chap” to a down-under voice teasing when they are about to whomp you. It, however, takes away the real socialization.

Virtual convenience is nice, however, we as adults, our kids, our grandkids, our friends, we also need to keep our social skills up, we need to take advantage of the value of being real- in real time… to be able to interact and not feel lost in the world.

We can in balance embrace the various incredible things that are available to us, things to make our life easier… yet we need to be aware of what is important at the end of the day, what is a need, what are we doing as a “cop-out” or because it is just less demanding of our time… and what is a want.

Thoughts to ponder…. Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

 

 

 

Treasuring minutes,making them count

The holidays are in full swing right now. People going totally bonkers shopping here and there and buying baked goods and gifts and this and that. We had some shopping to do and I totally dreaded the thought of Saturday, 2 weekends left before Christmas and the crowds.

So we hit the stores by 8 AM. yep smartest move of the day. We did not have a lot to get, I had baking to do- I wanted to make some special things for a special time tomorrow.  The goal was to be home and baking while people are out there fighting for parking spaces, and huffing and puffing in line because they are being inconvenienced by waiting in line, yep- got home before the shoppers had their first cup of coffee.

We even finished our journey with a coffee and Dunkin, and some relax time before heading home.  Then the fun times began. This is the end result of my first of 4 treats…. mixing ingredients together and grating apples up, and poof apple muffins about to bake.

While these were baking I started project number 2- making an apple strawberry pie for us to cut into small pieces and freeze, taking one out every once in a while for a small treat. That went in the over when the muffins came out.

While that was baking it was time to make cinnamon donuts and donut holes. I bag each separately and put them in the freezer for a treat. Mark likes to get one for a breakfast type item with his AM cup of coffee.

As the donuts were cooling before their deep freeze, I took the apple muffins and kept some out for tomorrow and the rest individually frozen for sometime in the future.

Last but not least the pie came out and in went a dump cake to cook to a yummy delight. – that too for tomorrow. Finally after hours and hours of shuffling, and mixing and cooking ta da……. ( The pie has “I LOVE YOU” on it, but it is hard to read. )

The dump cake and plate of muffins all set to go over to our special treat.

Tomorrow Adrianne and Josh, Caleb and Mackenzie are coming to Phoenix for a family dinner at Amanda and Jeffs and their 3 kids.

I am looking forward to having everyone in the same place. Adrianne and Jeff have been brother and sister since they were 3. Lots of years have gone by since then, and Mark and I both tried very hard to have them always feel like they were brother and sister.

I always loved this picture, because it is one of many that shows what I mean.

This was at a pool at a campsite that used to be near here- it is now closed …. Yep, we tried to make weekends special…. we had a pop-up camper and would take them camping on weekends when our schedules allowed. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, but it was a while ago.

So tomorrow we once again will all be together. The time will be way too fast, and all way special. Life is short, we have one chance at each minute. and tomorrow, I am going to try to make every minute a treasure. Whatever you finish your weekend with, I hope you too treasure the gift each minute is.

Until later… Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

It is What’s Inside That Counts

This is a lesson in life that is learned and relearned and relearned again. As we grow up, we are impressed by and exposed to many people, places, events, and experiences. I remember many a time wishing I was more like another or thinking how come they have such and such, or they wear such and such.
The pressures of being feeling you are welcome or trying to be accepted, they can be overwhelming. In growing up that seemed important at times, and also seemed to not be a pathway I was on as far as it went with the “cool kids”.
I remember my mom on more than a few occasions reminding me that it is what is on the inside that counts. I may not be the best dressed, the prettiest, the richest, the most popular as I walk through life. Those things are not what is important. It is how you act, how sincere you are, how empathetic you are, how caring you are, how honest you are. Those are the qualities that make you a person others will want to know, those are the qualities of a true friend.
Material things seem to matter to many people, the best car, the most souped-up technologies, the fanciest name on the clothes … in the end- what really mattered was who we each are. Not what we have. The stores, the commercials, the internet is filled with so many THINGS to get that “special person to show them you care”. That does not show a person you care, spending time, listening, give and take conversations, that is how someone knows you care about them.

 

Have you ever known of a person who you thought was someone you wanted to know better until they opened their mouth and you realized they are extremely focused on themselves? Or wished for that certain something, only to find it was not worth the effort of getting it.

I knew a person once a LONGGG time ago who had to look in every reflection at himself. I kid you not, I think he liked when it was early morning or dusk because all the windows became mirrors.
There are so many things in life that if we determine it by its cover, by its appearance alone, we just might be focusing on something with no depth, without substance. Life is too short to be artificial.

As we raise our kids, as we mentor others, as we present ourselves to others, we need to remember it is not just what is seen, it is all those special things, it is what is beyond what is seen that matters. What can we share of us, not what can we buy, but what can we offer from our hearts to others?

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

From the Beginning to the End

There is always a beginning and an end. Some beginnings come so slowly that we want to grab the timeline and yank it a bit, we want to get to the end. It is that darn middle between the beginning and end, it is kinda stuck in one spot. or at least the accomplishment we are anticipating seems suddenly so far away.

I have run across this so many times. I take on a project, I have a goal and ugg it all of the sudden seems to be dragging on.

That trip you wanted to take forever. It is finally here. You, you and your spouse, you and your family,  you and your friend(s)- ( whatever the situation); you have planned and packed and checked things out and the moment is here. The 6,or 8,or 11, 22 hr drive awaits you, you have picked places to stop, things to see.

The end it out there somewhere, as the road seems to keep on going. 

Oh the chatter in the car or the music blasting, the excitement that the time is here, those first few hours into it, smiles, dreams yet to fill….and there comes a point where you realize the seat is kinda not comfortable, you really need to pee, you can not believe how long the construction held you up, and that voice inside your head is like the child in you saying “Are we almost there?” And after what seems like a week of traveling, instead of a mere 6,or 8,or 11, 22 hrs…. you make it, all is good, you have a wonderful time.

Maybe it is a meal you are excited about trying this totally from scratch recipe. The list of ingredients and what you have to do with each of them is more detailed than the secrets of the universe. You are ready, choppers, shredders, cutting boards, washed off fresh herbs, veggies, whatever is needed. You start in on it.  All of the sudden your back is a little stiff from standing, your feet might be a little sore, you are wondering how the author of the recipe said prep time was 25 minutes and you are about 1 1/2 hrs into prepping for this anticipated end result. There comes a point when you might think you have already chopped ____ in the freezer, or in a can… but you endure. It comes out wonderful in the end. You are so thankful you endured…

The list of situations goes on. As I am about to conquer another day,  it is yet another scenario of morning to nighttime sleep—-I am thinking about various things  I anticipate will fill this day, what needs to, and what I would like  to get done, and I will ponder more on how to make the middle- that space, how to make that as exciting as the beginning and end.

Until later, enjoy the middle of those starts and finishes… Mrs Justa alias Cindy

 

 

 

 

Responsibility

 

Another day is dawning,  memories to be made, impressions to leave, moments unchangeable.

As the day begins, as the next step is about to happen, the next minute here among us, I am thinking about life and the effects we have on it.

 

RESPONSIBILITY:  We all are responsible for our actions. This goes for every single thing we do. We can not choose which things we do we are and are not responsible for. Nope, we own each thing we do.

That is a huge responsibility. Why, because sometimes the things we do, we don’t even realize or think about the end result, we get wrapped up in a moment or jump on the proverbial “bandwagon”. However, as we travel down the twists and turns of life’s journey,  and at the end of our road in life, it is us and us alone who individually made choices.

I say this because of many reasons, many reasons I myself have chosen to do things, and once they were done, well there was no rewind, no “gee I didn’t mean to be that way, or “I didn’t mean to do that” or “I didn’t mean to _______”.  The “I wish I had” thoughts do not count.

There have been things I have said, I can not take back. Actions I did, I can not undo. As a nurse, I have cared for patients who would say, “I knew better” or “If I only had never smoked” or “I took the chance ____”   Notice the similarity– “If I only had not or didn’t”

My parents would say to me when I did something I totally should not have, “You know better than that” or ” Bet you won’t do that again” or “what did you learn from that?”. And as I was growing up, she would wipe the wound ( physical or not) and guide me through the why’s and maybe even have suggestions on how to deal with that scenario in the future. They were preparing me for my future.

As we grow up we are still responsible for our actions. There are consequences to what is done, said, or ignored. If any of us are asked to do something and we say we will, if we then do it halfway, or not appropriately – if we take a risk, a dare—- we cannot go back and get those minutes to undo it.

In our roles in life, ( being a friend, an adult, a mentor, a stranger, a human being ) whether at work or in any environment around us, writing anything in social media, in an article,  we can not take it back. It paints a picture of us that can not be painted over, the “delete” does not remove words or photos or actions done.

Our reactions to something said or done, we can not undo that either. In life I have found to tread softly at times, to think before doing or saying, and to appreciate and take responsibility to every minute I am on this earth.

What image are we giving? What actions are we doing? What consequences because of those actions, or lack of actions are there? What image have I left?

Those are my thoughts this morning, something I will remember as I get ready for another day to be the best I can be.

Until later, Mrs Justa alias Cindy