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I have been going totally bonkers trying to figure out what song I am going to sing in church on the 11th. I have about 5 I am going back and forth  with. I practice on my way to and from work. My car becomes a mobile sound studio.. music playing and me either singing the words or doing some la la la’s as I try to memorize the melody. I you are driving down 690 about 7:00 AM or a little earlier—and you see some lady belting out songs as she is driving down the highway..well that lady might just be me!

There is one song I have been working on for months.. It is super dramatic-moving..and when I get done belting it out—I can not talk for a day. I looked at the time on the radio display today and it is 5 minutes—I think that is now ruled out.. too long!But there is one—I really love it.. ( I really love all these songs..) But I think I will do it. It times out at about 3.20 minutes. I think that is better.

I LOVE to sing.. it makes me whole. We all need something we can do that makes us feel whole. Some people I think look their whole life for that something and do not find it.

Singing to me is special to me, I feel like I am an instrument. Like I am not always in control of the singing—I become the tool to present the song. I do not feel like I am special, or that I have connections—that is not what I mean—but more that we all have God given talents… we are children of God…. and I feel the ability to sing is a gift. I do not know if that makes sense to anyone- but it is how it feels. Music is a part of me…I do nto ever want to take it for granted….  I hope till the day I die, that I have the ability to sing.

About 15 years ago I had a procedure done- it was supposed to be a simple endoscopic procedure. It was winter time, and I remember he only had me take off my winter coat.. I had on my street clothes—even my boots. There was only a little lidocaine spray and absolutely NO compassion…  the doctor- he was sadistic- barbaric. and he would laugh and jam the scope into my throat each time I gagged. It was like a scene from a horror movie—but it did not end.. this guy was a creep. When he finished I remember him tugging on my shoulder and saying”So how do you like me now?” Well he had trashed my throat..I ended up with a super sore throat, high fever… and after antibiotics were done—I could not swallow any pills—they would get stuck in the back of my throat…  for a year I could not sing, I could hardly talk..and finally after months of seeing an ENT I had to have surgery to remove the damaged lingual tonsils. I felt invaded by this doctor..he took my voice… he robbed me of a part of me…. but I never ever gave up. I wept many nights in the darkness of the night..all alone and trying to figure out how and why this doctor stole a part of me…..

Every night I would pray for the ability to sing again, and if I ever was given that blessing- I promised I would sing in church . It took about another 6 months after the surgery, but slowly my throat healed, and I was able to work on singing. I remember feeling so lost without music .. it was in me but I had no way to get it out.

This experience taught me though to appreciate everything I have..and never take anything for granted… I can not every explain how totally blessed I felt when each of our kids asked me to sing a song for them in their weddings… to me—that was so special… so touching to be asked..and a miracle I had the ability to do it after that horrible medical experience.

That doctor will have to try to justify his abusive behavior at some time in his life… the hurt he caused is still in a locked box in my mind..but I would not let him win…. he became a major LOSER..I do not ever have to see him again..but he…well he has to live with himself…he has to know he is mean.

My thought for today… believe in yourself..and when you are feeling like “Why me??” turn is around and say “ I am strong.. so bring it on !”  Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

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