June 2010


Sounds of memories. Has that ever happened to you. It was an experience that happened to me today. I had gathered some change and headed over to a store a few blocks from work. I was looking to see if there was anything that might make our camping trip this weekend be a little easier. As I was walking over there the change jingled in my pocket.

Itbrandon, fami;y, 2008, 2009 098 was a sound that took me back on time maybe 50 years ago… I could actually feel the presence of my dad. He would have change in his trouser pockets and when he came in from a traveling salesman venture- his change in his pocket would jingle. I would hug his leg as he tried to come into the house, and the change- it jingled in my ear… it jingled as he walked.

I had a quick reminder in my mind of the smell of “Old Spice” – he wore that after shave . And as I felt the comfort of his presence, it came to me , that his birthday was in June. I think it was towards the end of June, but I have nothing to give me the exact date. I do not know if it is on his headstone… my gosh I wish I knew if it was this week.

A dad… what is a dad to me? He was someone I was crazy about. I hated each time he left and watched for him when he came home. He was the more disciplinarian of the marriage- so he was the person we slammed with all the wrong doings our siblings did, as he tried to settle in after days away.

He was the person who was stern, yet strong.. .. yet not afraid to hug me and my siblings.

He ALWAYS greeted my mom with a hug and kiss when he came in the door… and gave her a hug and kiss before he left.

He smoked pipes- I remember the smells of the sweetened tobacco, and I can visualize his pipe tree. He would go for walks with us, and amused us by his tolerance of our sometimes not so great ideas.

I do not ever remember him making me feel worthless, I felt he loved me. With so many brothers and sisters, one on one time with him was priceless. Not one day in my life do I ever recall my mom or dad fighting , not even raising a voice at one another.

He died at the age of 57. That was 47 years ago. And his jingling change, the comfort of his arms, the scent of his aftershave, the sounds of the gravel crunching under his oxford shoes, his cough from smoking too much, his being- well it is close to me tonight- today… he is here…it is strange in a comforting way. Happy Birthday Dad, I feel you surrounding my being today.. and I love you.. and I really miss you. I wish you could have been there – met my son ( he would make you so proud) —met my husband ( he is a good man)- and shared all the people in our lives. You would have loved them all… Love always, Mrs Justa.. alias your” princess” alias Cindy

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100_3708 We all do stuff that someone will remember, that we may totally forget. I find that really weird. I can get with someone I have known for a long time, and they may bring up a moment in time that we shared , and they bring it up clear as if it just happened, yet to me, it did not that vivid of a lasting memory. Or I may bring up something that instead of having it lost in moments past in my memory bank, it stays up front, easy to find and relive in my mind.. yet the other person does not recall the moment.

It is like this sun flower- it is long gone now- I am sure many who drove back and forth in front of our house every day… they do not remember this.. but this photo reminds me of the moment I took it, against the blue sky, grown from a small seed, a memory that stays fresh, for it was perfect to me.

What memories do you make? What will you be remembered for?

I bring this up, because someone from somewhere in NY City area is doing a survey on “Why Do You Blog”  for a paper she is doing for college. She wrote actually on a comment from a couple weeks ago and asked if I would be willing to do the survey. I am sure she wrote many people. There were some criteria- such as how often one posts, and if you read other blogs, and the age of the blogger. I answered some very generic criteria questions and than settled in to do this survey.

It made me think about why I do blog. Which is why I started  this blog tonight with commenting on memories kept close and those that are lost in time. This was actually Marks second blog- and he was running two of them for a while, but he kept egging me to be his guest writer. When he stopped blogging for a bit, I tried to keep his 2 blogs alive, and eventually just stayed on this one and he has his original one that he writes on from time to time.

Mark had said once that by blogging , it was a way to leave an impression perhaps for the grandkids to see, who he was, what he thought.

And I guess that is me too. I have no connections to write my thoughts in a book, and I feel that life leaves us with lessons learned- lessons we can share. Maybe a thought or experience will open a memory for someone else, or maybe it gives someone a smile, or a cyber hug in a time of need. I try to not be cruel—even on the worse of days, and try to have a photo that ties in with my thoughts.

The survey asked different questions, and in the end, I hope the person gets a good response. For it is so much like writing a journal in a way…and yes.. I hope someday the grandkids might find some words to bring them comfort, I hope that every once in a while a friend or relative gets something out of it… I hope that each person I touch over the blogosphere for a moment gets a sense of peace, maybe a seed of advise, or something to trigger a reflection, or even a chuckle at times.

Why do people blog?? That is a good question… maybe it is like doing karaoke, a venue to speak, a venue that feels safe most of the time, a venue to give a little bit of ourselves  to whomever comes along.

Have a great evening, be safe, Love to all, Mrs justa.. alias Cindy

This weekend the tall ships came into Oswego NY. It was neat to go up there on Friday night and just veg. We went up to the parking area that overlooks the port , we did not feel the need to pay $10.00 admission to watch the ships sit at the dock- heck they are big enough that everyone can see them.

100_5573They were offering rides to people  and this is the boat load of people getting spoken to.  The guy with the tan pants and navy blue shirt spoke to these folks for a while. We almost left- thinking it was kinda like a floating museum and it was not going to go out on the water, it was neat to see it like this.

Imagine what it would have been like to pack whatever you felt was necessary into a trunk and to set sail across the Atlantic Ocean. No idea where you are actually going, probably nervous because you have heard the nay-sayers stating it is a flat not round place we live on and people will just drop off the edge.

I am sure there were rodents, spiders, damp smells, poor conditions, darkness. I think I would have suffered an anxiety attack during that very long venture to the unknown, hoping to fulfill dreams. As we were talking to each other about traveling on a boat such as this , all of the sudden they took off and set sail. 100_5602It traveled very slowly, yet it was a majestic site , at least to me.

The boat took off for about 1 1/2 hrs, but at the speed it was going I am sure it did not go far.

We left the over look and went down to the peer. It is a cool place to go to. When Mark was able to walk a distance- we would walk the length of it, it goes down quite a ways. We still go up now and find a bench and enjoy life as it passes by.

So as we drank our coffee, we saw an older gentleman kayaking in the channel… 100_5612

he was really booking.

 

 

 

 

 

100_5618We saw a few sea gulls. It may sound weird to people who totally do not understand.. but my mom says Hi to me through seagulls. It is like her spirit is soaring on on their wings or sitting with them as they watch the world go by. She loved sea gulls, and had some poems about the seaside. She loved the ocean, so as I see the sea gulls, sometimes I feel like my mom is there.

We had a nice relaxing time.

We went to Fulton this evening to watch the Lake near by and sip on some coffee. and ….Hee hee- there was a sea gull who landed next to our car and just kept staring at me, not in a threatening way, but as if it was mom again tonight, almost in a compassionate way.

Mark was laughing with me at this sea gull who just kept looking at me, and me I was wondering if mom was there…

So as I close for tonight, I hope that you had a nice weekend. I am planning to hit the pavement really early in the morning. I worked from home this weekend and have some important documents I printed to the work printer for  a web-in-ar on Monday afternoon… it was a one time print option… , and I think the printer is holding them in memory- so I want to get in there before one of the early nurses goes in and cancels the print job, because the printer will not work for anyone else if it is stuck on my job… .

Have a good Monday… Love to all.. Mrs Justa.. alias Cindy

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New beginnings, each day we have new beginnings. We get a new chance to get it right. Like these flowers, as they open up to a new day, bright, optimistic that the breeze will not be too harsh, that water will not be too scarce and that no one comes and destroys them .

I think as I climb out of bed each day, I feel like it is a new chance. Yesterday is gone and I can not change it, but today is a new day, a day to open up and be optimistic that things will go okay. A day to look at the clear chances and opportunities.

Today has been a pretty good day, all in all.

The eye that had surgery does its own thing, it will be clear for a bit, that get a little fuzzy, but I think it is related to all the drops I have to put in it all day. All part of healing.

Sometimes I feel like I have super sonic vision— than it goes to more of a blur on the edges. 100_5032

When it happens it is like I want to rub it, but I am not going to ! And eventually everything looks fine again. As I am going through this, I think that each day of life is just like that. Some things are really clear and other things.. Not so much.

Some things we see and know really clear- and yet we try to not focus on what we know too. We try to blur things that are in focus,like smoking, or gorging on food, or drinking, or driving when we are distracted…. things that are very clear to us- we know they are not good- so we blur them…maybe we justify if we do not look at the fact- the fact is not there….

and than we also try at times to look into things that are a blur and fool ourselves that they are clear as day… like a new relationship, a new profession, life changing events. I think because we are wanting it to be clearer than it is… but it is too new to become clear yet.

Have you ever started a new job and had absolutely no idea what it was about. Everything is a blur— yet we have to pretend like it is clear…for we do not want the people we are working for to think we are not a good fit. So we try to clear up everything… and eventually we do… but while it is fuzzy- it really is difficult.

Or have you ever been in a relationship— or wanted to be in one so bad- that the other person becomes an image you want them to be- instead of who they really are. Another example of something blurry- that is artificially made clear.

So off I go to the sometimes clear, sometimes slightly blurry world- I have some work to do, and dinner to make. I hope  that each of us can stay focused on what is real… and realize what or who are the things or people we do not know well enough – so we take time to bring them into focus. Love to all. Mrs justa.. alias Cindy

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Life can be like a wave crashing over things that get in its way. Life can be like the water on a calm night , smooth without any ripples.

But in my own personal life, the motionless water lifestyle does not happen often.

Maybe when I am sleeping. there are times of stillness, but from the time I wake up till the time I quit for the day, I believe my life is more rippled, with moments of crashing waves.

We can not predict what one second will bring or another will leave behind.

I was thinking that as I was trying to figure out how everything seems so dang unpredictable.

At work, I can have the best plans made in the world,100_4194 but in a blink of an eye, something changes that affects the work flow, either an incredible amount of reviews come in at once, or a incredible amount of people are out ill.

At home, one miscalculation in the check book can take the smooth glass surface of the water to a crashing wave- 12 feet high.,weight loss… one day of temptations could make a person feel like they have failed, on day to day living… I can be driving to work in a life is good type mood, and one jerk on the road turns that water from still to thrashing in a moment.

We can have our lives still, glass like.. and boom—a parent dies…the waves come thrashing in.

Life… you just never know what it will have in store for you… So hang on, have a boat and a life vest…. be ready for a change. Love to all. Mrs Justa.. alias Cindy

Wow, What a really weird experience today. I had to have cataract surgery and have the lens in my eye replaced. While it is fresh in my mind I am going to share the experience. The preparation was minimal really, no food after midnight, go in, they put a bunch of drops in the eye to make the pupil huge, place an Iv for relaxing- not sedating meds, and in ya go.

On the operating table, I am cocooned with blankets so I can not flinch, the surgeon has a sterile drape over my face- just an opening for the eye being operated on. When he was putting in the Novocain the sedating IV meds were increased, as Novocain hurts.. I felt nothing just knew he was injecting the needle around my eye.

100_4719 It felt like he had an eye ball clamp of some sort, and it felt like he actually removed the lens. Once that happened- I could see or focus on nothing. Everything was hues of gray and black areas. Kinda if you put your eye real close to a piece of material, so close that you could not make out anything but blur. As he had me unable to see anything, I heard the zap sounds of the laser- I believe he was zapping the cataract out. He said a few oh… and umms… but I kept my mouth shut, moved not a muscle…just was..in a world of blindness… just was.

Finally he said he was ready for the lens, and than the blurs became something different. It felt like he was trying to position it correctly.. a twist to the left and right, and 100_4449 as he did that.. it was like looking through a cheap worn out kaleidoscope. Blurry shapes trying to become something. After he fidgeted a little with the lens, there was bright light and that zap sound again- like maybe he was laser sealing the lens in place.

Off to recovery.. vitals fine.. off to recovery 2- get to eat some toast, drink some juice, go to the bathroom and off I went, via volunteer and wheel chair to my husband who was sent off so he could be  waiting at the curb side for me.

So now it is 4 hrs post op- there is some

vision in the new lens eye- it is like looking thru a prism. I am told to rest, so I am off to try to take a snooze. I have to tape a shield over my eye when sleeping, so not to rub my eye. I see the doc on Thrus at 1PM, and than I will start to get my life back to normal. Back to work on Monday if all goes well, no lifting or bending below the waist line, and drops 4 times a day for a few weeks.

All in all.. not real bad. But what a weird feeling to be temporarily blind. Having the desire to see, yet no matter what the will was , it was impossible to see. I got the sample of blindness, many have it for life. What a strong person it takes to overcome blindness…Peace to all, Love Mrs Justa… alias Cindy

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Sun rise, sun set.. a beginning and an end. Each sun rise and sun set is different, no two alike. That is really how every minute is. Sure sometimes it may seem like life is stopped, or maybe some perceive life to be boring.. but each moment is a chance to do something new, something rewarding, something special.

I remember when a very close friend of mine moved from suburbia to Vermont… and he described life there as dull, and that the most exciting thing to do was watch the grass grow.

Well I went up to the land of boredom, I wanted to see if life was really that still. And to my pleasant surprise.. it was far from still.

I had taken a greyhound bus to his place… I baby sat every weekend and saved my money to buy the round trip ticket. The bus stopped in Burlington and changed to a station wagon, the driver delivered packages and people to off the beaten path spots…

When I got there, it was a surprise..  think he was glad to have a friend from the old neighborhood arrive… we spent some time talking, listening to James Taylor and Bee Gees. but than we went our separate way….

He, he had things to do… me I had a yearning to see grass grow… I did not want to be an imposition to anyone… we were really best of friends… we liked spending time together..but also appreciated our own time. So I went out to walk…. There were paths to walk on in fields not tended to for years, I strolled upon many stone walls, some still intact, some partially broken apart…  it seemed to be how they marked their property.

I wandered some more and found old pails, once used in a sugar house ( where they made maple syrup) I found a few old horse shoes, and stones that appeared to be Indian Arrow Heads. There were some remnants of buildings I peeked into- to try to imagine what it was like back when the building was new… creating stories of days gone by in my endless imagination.

I found all this in a 2 day weekend.. and this friend of mine 100_3791 had been there for months, and never ventured out to see what nature provided to see. His house overlooked a mountain, it was on the side of a mountain… and he never oooed or ahhed at the majestic view.

My second day there I walked part way down the mountain, and found a babbling brook. I finally figured out where that descriptive phrase came from. I remember being foolish and frolicking and I took my shoes off and walked through the brook for hours, the water was chilled from the snow melting off the mountain, and that was probably why I had not noticed the abuse the soles of my feet were taking… I had a wonderful time, me and real life. It was like God opened his door to his creations and let me walk through. I can not begin to explain the tranquility I felt that weekend. Each sunrise and sunset was different… each day filled with non threatening, non phony moments.

My friend.. well he was off with his girlfriend… and me… his house was my place to sleep… but his parents did not really care for me.. so it was me and nature.  I guess as I look back on it now, it seems so weird to hop a bus and go somewhere uninvited, not asking for really anything but a pillow to lay my head down on in case I grew tired… but I remember saying to his family that LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SLEEP.. and I sat there in the cool night air and watched the fire flies flicker and the falling stars shoot by…

Watch the sun rise.. watch it set…. take time to just be… have a conversation with God… search your soul… I think after you do.. you will feel a sense of renewal. Love to all… Mrs justa… alias Cindy

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