worry


I read a book a few weeks ago and it has created all sorts of emotions and thoughts. The book was written by a survivor of child abuse. This is the cover of the book… img-thing[1]

I kid you not, it was VERY hard to read, but I was not going to stop. WHY?? Because this poor little boy..who miraculously made it through years of torture to become a man—well he could not quit from what his life was.

As I read this, my heart ached, I was so darn angry with social services and the mother… with the brothers and step dad…. 

The presentation of how things were on the outside of the house, in no way were really what was happening behind closed doors.

As I read it, I thought that most kids probably never grow up to share what they went through, to show they survived… No , I am thinking most kids would have died in the torture. The mom put on a front that the child was evil, the child was aggressive, the child was mean, the child had problems, the child was mute… AND it was easier for those on the outside to label the child instead of trying to figure out what made the child act the way he did…

I think we  do that in society.. we tend to take the easy way out. This got me to think about Riley… our dog. Riley comes home 6-29-2012 028She had such lost sad eyes when we brought her home that day from the kennel…..… She cowered when you called her, she shook and trembled if she thought she was in trouble, she had a sense of fear to her…

She had horrible separation anxiety, she panicked, she hyperventilated, she literally freaked out if we left the house.

We made comments about “That is why her previous owners abandoned her” and “She has issues.” ///But ya know what—we did not give up on her…( We almost did !!)fortunately we got thinking and  we did not just accept the way she was as a final.. That breaks my heart at the thought that we almost gave up on her.

After her 2 weeks in early winter at the K9 training camp—2 weeks of not seeing her, of her being treated well, but like a dog… she is okay now. We can leave her in the house, no crate or cage….  and go out for up to 6 hrs..she is fine. We do not have to limit her access to rooms.. she is a calmer dog…. , and seems more controlled  now.. It was what her previous owners did to her that made her how she was… not that she was bad.

She is a sweetheart… she loves to be with us,she is GREAT with people and the grandkids….. she is playful….  but now it is ok when we leave. She goes to doggie playcare 1 day a week, and they say she darts around for the entire time, frolicking, running.. non stop.

How many kids…. how many pets… have we as a society let down? Why… because it was easier to say they had the problem… than to figure out what made the behavior….. easier than to try to fix it…

yep, that book will live with me for a very long time… And Joe Peters’…. wherever you are…. I am so sorry for the let down you must have felt over and over again.and thank you for sharing this …. it really opened my eyes…

Love to all… Mrs Justa alias Cindy

Advertisements

AS the days head to the end of 2012, the media and government are creating , for me at least, a vision of insecurity for the country.

The phrase “Fiscal Cliff” is the catchy phrase of the month..the past few months.

And yet as I am shaking in my boots over what this really means for us..the citizens of the USA… the President takes a vacation, congress goes home to their families, and I feel the countries future is placed on the back burner while people have down time.

Well I do not know about you…but I really want these people that have been elected BY THE PEOPLE to be doing their damn job, and work for the PEOPLE!!.

Oh I have read this and that…Some end 8-11 and fair 9-2-11 003and really it seems like once again we get it up the whazoo!. So the average family is looking at over 2000.00 dollars in increased taxes…and that good ol’ Health Care Reform..well let’s see—I bet your premiums have increased… how about money out of your pocket for medical expenses—did that go up??? Or maybe you work for one of the businesses who are forced to cut your hours so they do not get fined for their inability to provide health care. And you might be in a situation where now you are one of  those  who have to now face a HIGH DEDUCTABLE plan— things are changing. I have no idea what our taxes will be on our property or school going forward.

As we slide over the “CLIFF” and we see our personal taxes go up..we also see many things in the government be taken away. I read milk could double in price, because as the cliff appears- so does aid to farmers disappear..and cuts in military, cuts in cost of living for our seniors, ..it seems like we are just always expected to keep on giving…

Than there is the weather dramatics…..

The weather people have won the award for DRAMA QUEEN in my book. Now they are naming winter storms, and this past one we got this week—well one would have thought we were going to be buried alive by mounds of snow…. yet the storm totals were 1-2 feet…Yeah it was nasty, and visability was down..and I am glad I did nto have to drive in it…but I remember once MArk and I were in the city and were advised to head home than or wait out a storm that dumped  3-4 feet of snow on our roof!….

Heck..I remember not so many years ago when I looked out the window and saw just an antenna on my car…. So between us falling off the proverbial fiscal cliff, us losing more money due to Health Care Reform, and the treacherous winter storms with names now… well I think we are all going to end up with major anxiety disorder….

The sad thing is we can not do a darn thing about the sensationalism….except try really hard not to let it consume us.

Off to watch the news … LOL…. Have a great night., Love to all,. Mrs. Justa.. alias Cindy

OK… I am trying to focus on writing and the wind is blowing so hard..I thought our furnace was malfunctioning and blowing super forced air through the vent. Our house is normally pretty quiet… do not hear wind… but tonight… holy shmolly… it is blowing big time. Just started—all of the sudden..The dog is pacing… and the wind smacking against the house.

So as I proceed..let’s hope the power and internet stay on. I was thinking about mental illness, and how many people suffer from it. Heck I look at this poor dog and see she even has a tad bit of mental illness . I had tried to tape a video of us trying to coax her in her crate..when she heard us say on the video to get in her house, she started trembling in here… oh I hope we can find things to work amd Oct 2011 055calm her down. This wind reminds me of what it is like to see a person ( or the dog !!) go through acute episodes of depression, anxiety or mania. It comes over them like a gust of wind, like huge waves… beating on their souls and emotions –like the wind is beating against the house.

Anxiety is a tough disorder, so is depression and mania. They all are real, and when they hit, the person going through it usually recognizes the problem and becomes more symptomatic realizing they can not stop it. It is like watching a person be a prisoner in their own body. I have taken care of patients and have been personally exposed to individuals who suffer from all of some of these illnesses. And there is nothing I can do to help when a full blown attack happens.

Oh I can try to stay calm, I can look for the sun ray through the dark cloud… but I feel inadequate, because I can not help to make to acute episodes subside. I can recognize when they are about to happen. But depending on the level of intensity they have..they can be like a tornado—taking down anything in their path.

For Riley… in the crate..when anxiety hits… NOTHING I can say or do will stop her from panting, trembling and bending the cage.

It is so opposite of her when she is not having an anxiety episode.

When I watch Mark deal with his high levels of anxiety, depression , mania—man again it hurts to watch, because there can be a path of destruction… he said the other day that it wears him out.. wears him down.

People I have met in life who have had similar disorders..they too felt at times that they were losing a grip at times.

So as the night hours begin to pass…africam 1-24-2012 011 I want to send a cyber hug out to all who suffer from mental illness…and to all who know someone with mental illness. Support them, never ever give up on them, and know that when an acute episode happens..that is when they need you most.

I learned a long time ago… that when an acute episode happens..that is when you find out who your friends are… and also who are not your friends .

I love you Mark… through your highs and your lows… you are a good man… a man passionate about your beliefs…. –It is a ride sometime s!!.

Love to all, Mrs justa alias Cindy…..

I wonder what the world will be100_2850 like when our grandkids are in their 60s? It is a kinda weird thought. By then I know I will be dust in the wind… what will our grandkids have to deal with?

Will there still be this great nation? Will people actually talk to one another? Or will conversation be 2 dimensional, type it, speak it into a device and away it goes?

We have some friends, they have adult children, and those kids still call my husband Mr. Krusen. It does not matter how old they have become, Mark is still older and they show respect.

I have a person in my life, she has always been to me “mom #2”, not because I disowned my mom, but more because she came into my life in my pre-teen years, after my dad had died, and my mom- God Bless her heart..was trying to get an education and support a family of 6 young kids…. as I said a few posts ago..that made my sister Pam and I they care givers for a lot of the days and evenings. Being 10 and 11 when he passed.. we needed a mom… and when this woman moved into our neighborhood… she was someone I could go and talk to…ask questions that I needed answers to… and to this day… I call her Mrs. Fields. I would never argue with her, not even today. She is my elder. We were taught to respect our elders. But I worry with e mails, texting, social networks, …somehow the elders..the respect for them..well that seems like it has disappeared. It is like everyone s trying to get the last word, age does not matter…. slam each other back and forth. Shut the device off..go to another site..and never think about age, respect or end result.

So in 50 + yrs..where will this all lead to? It is so darn impersonal right now..and we are just beginning.

I joked that to have coffee with a friend—save on gas… skype them. But how much of a joke is that? Ya can not touch another’s hand, or see their eyes, or give them a hug thru skype or other communication ways.

There is nothing more dear to me than having a grandchild run to me and say “I love you gramma”…and than try to wrap their tiny arms around me…

I am glad we are still able to100_2224 see our grandkids in person, to talk face to face with our friends, and I just hope as these youth of today grow up..they remember that a card in the mail is better than a wish on face book… picking up a phone and talking is better than texting…and spending time with someone face to face…instead of face into a screen of a smart phone, I pad or computer is what life is about !!.

May you each find comfort in 3 dimensional relationships….interactions…

Love to all.. Mrs Justa…. alias Cindy

100_4383 - CopyI read something today..it kind of has locked itself in the front of my mind. It is about retirement and it said that retirement is when we stop living for work..and we work on living. I read that and thought wow.. We do live for work!!! for most of our lives. Alarm clocks, clothes to wear, appropriate answers to give, dodging traffic, commuting, paying tolls and in many peoples cases paying extra auto insurance because of distances driven. We look forward to Friday nights because Saturdays are not work days, and than hustle on Sunday evenings to get ready to go back to work.

When I worked on the hospital floor my “Saturdays and Sundays” were any day of the week. But it was the same. A breath of ahhh ..to know a day was off..and than a time of hustle bustling around because work is about to start again.

I am having trouble imagining what life would be like without work. For me, I totally love what I do at work, yet I do wish there were more hours in each day so I could do stuff with the grandkids, take the dog to the dog park, camp more. So maybe that means I am beginning to evolve into the retirement mind set… so maybe by the time I am ready to retire, I will be thinking in that direction.

Retirement to me seems scary. Having bills, and health needs, and insurances, and fuel… having taxes, and unknowns… yes that seems scary without any working  income coming in. Social Security for over 65 yr olds is not great, and in our days of youth..there was not savings accounts created for the retirement years. SO ti will be winging it.

I laughed tonight as I was eating a bowl of cereal for dinner and thinking this might end up being dinner when I am retired!.

A good friend of mine is retiring this Friday. She told me she was scared. I guess as I try to personalize it for me… I would be scared too.I have years to go, but she has days. Some day my years will be changed to days. What will life be like than> What will the future hold? Unknowns….and I know I am not independently wealthy, so I know it will be tight. It just is not what I thought getting older would be like.

First I thought I would feel old.. I DO NOT>>>

I thought I would feel wise…. I DO NOT>>>>

I thought I would be like my mom was to me when she was my age… but I do not feel that way. I still feel like I wish my mom and dad were here..hmmm. I wonder now…. if they felt this way..but I never knew it.

I hope this finds you well, I am off to get ready for bed and play a few words with friends on facebook. Smile Love to all, Mrs Justa alias Cindy

riley 003

Riley has a middle name of Regan..kind of has a ring to it, doesn’t it?  We saw a license plate with Regan on it..and poof—she now has a middle name.

This is day 3 of Riley and us—and well it is going okay. The first day she was super logy—but she had just had major surgery less than 24 hrs prior. Her stools were like a garden hose was spraying out of her butt..but as the days have passed..that problem has disappeared. Even when she had explosive diarrhea she did not have any accidents in the house.

She has this kinda cute whimper that she occasionally does if she feels she was left behind. It was funny this morning. We had a guy coming over at 9 to seal the driveway. Mark had gone out to talk to the guy, and Riley thought she was alone. She did this whisper whimper.. kinda like she was singing the blues..I came out of the bedroom and said” Riley..what is wrong?” Immediately she stopped and came over. I think she was embarrassed Smile

She has not given us a definite signal when she wants to go out.. one time she came to the recliner Mark was in and stared at him. I was in the kitchen doing stuff and she came in and shook her head so her license and ID tag jingled. Once she came into the kitchen and did a couple whimpers.

She is funny—If I take her for a walk—she needs to sleep for a few hrs.… if she gets up and walks around—she has to sleep for a few hrs. She reminds me of when I had surgery—for weeks I would get up and do something and need to sleep for 3 hrs.. that went on for weeks….

The crate…Riley andRiley comes home 6-29-2012 032 crate do not belong in the same county—she slept in it..but not until she whimpered and did a beagle howl… we are wondering if she spent a lot of time in a crate in her past life? The second night she whimpered and got sick… so the crate is on the not so good idea list right now.

She does not seem to be a darter when the front door is opened… Mark and I are really careful that she does not get out. I want to understand her past… but maybe I don’t. It is kinda sad—when you call her she puts her head down ( like EEORE from Winnie the POOH) and she does a belly crawl-as if to show she is afraid to come close.  Than when she gets to you, her shoulders are hunched..her head low… and she pushes against your leg… we are working to tell her she is a good girl. I wonder if they yelled at her a lot? We are looking forward to her meeting the family…and I am very thankful we ended up with her at home and not camping this weekend—we all needed time to relate… I am going to be off line for a few days… but hang in there.. I will be back on Sunday!!!. Love to all…. (and be patient…there will be more new “baby” pictures for a bit )mrs Justa alias Cindy

We had some friendshelping put the sailboat in the Lake 003 that needed some help today..so we went to help them. They have a 28 foot sailboat and needed someone to tow it to Skaneateles Lake. They had it on the trailer, and basically ready to hook to and tow.. we have a pick up truck… so together we could make it happen….. and after today I gotta tell you I admire them..and do not quite understand the fact that people like having sailboats.

helping put the sailboat in the Lake 008Dang the amount of work they had to do once we arrived at the lake—well it was pretty amazing. They are flitting here and there, attaching their motor, untangling ropes, attaching pulleys and wenches… me and Mark basically stayed out of their way for the most part. I took some photos… and watched…thinking to myself—that what they were doing was not even the slightest bit appealing to me.

They probably think the same thing about camping..but gee. to me… I prepare the food—get the fridge running a day before we go… pack clothes, plan a menu… and Mark and I take off. He drives the pick up… we work together to set it up…but setting up does not involve cranking up a mast and untangling ropes and driving into a lake edge, ..than they have to hook up a dingy to their boat..and go out in the lake..anchor it..and row the dingy back and forth to shore. I am not a lazy  person but THAT is too much like work to relax…

These peoplehelping put the sailboat in the Lake 005 ( other sail boat owners)  were coming up to me and asking me about the boat..like it was mine… and I kept apologizing and directing them to the folks who own it.. It was funny.. I would say I was not a real boat fan..and you would have thought I had just thrown up in front of them… than when I said  …I am a camper… well.. they could not understand my joy of camping much more than I could grasp the joy of getting a sailboat in the water.

We had a friend about 23 years ago, who had a sailboat in Sodus NY..He  insisted we spend a weekend with him.. Now he loved to sail, he had a belly laugh that was contagious, and his voice was kinda like MR Rogers…there was one problem… he could not see from his one eye, and the other was pretty vision impaired. So imagine our experience as he sailed us around. He had no depth perception… and for some harebrained reason he thought a venture out of Sodus Bay and into Lake Ontario was a good idea. Mark and I never sailed a day in our lives…and here we are with  our next to blind captain who had to literally man the whole boat..every few minutes would tell us to duck …he had to Jibe as we left the bay..and to top it off..there was a fog so dense that my job became holding a can and blowing the hand held fog/air horn. He said that was so other boats knew we were there… YIKES>>>The most scenery there was ..was the tip of our nose ..and I was scared to death, I have not been a smaller than cruise ship boat person for years..as I had a boating incident where I thought I was going to drown on the bottom of the lake… so I am not fond of boats on a good day…

5-19-2012 east coast with the boys for the day 063Somehow we made it… and we never went out with him again…. and if it is not a boat that can hold at least a few hundred people…well it is not a boat to find ME on…golly gee… in a dingy… a canoe,, a row boat… and kayak…. whoa no!!!!!! I would totally freak out… my subconscious would take me to a panic place that would not be pretty..I can guarantee everyone on the boat would feel like they had a religious experience after listening to be chant the “Lord’s Prayer “ for the entire trip….

Nope… keep me on solid ground, and than .. I am a happy camper !

Love to all, Mrs justa… alias Cindy

Next Page »