This reminds me of the life I lead at times , being married to a bi-polar man. Mark has shared what the roller coaster ride is for him, but I live it too. It is much more uncomfortable for him, he is the one who has thoughts that are spinning around his head, and thoughts that at times can not come out in words. But what is it like to be married to a  person who is bi-polar. A humpback whale slapping the surface with its tail.Well it is like this whale, jumping up and down in the water. Gasping for air, only to feel so 

heavy with trying to process everything, that if I don’t close my mouth quickly, I will swallow a lot of water. There is a rather challenging freedom , as I ride  the mania wave with him, I try to be the anchor, I try to find the sense in the various ideas, I try to calm the wave, but with each leap in the air, I create more waves, as I try to calm the waters again.

It is hard to watch it, hard to live it, it is hard to pull the reigns. For everything he sees, everything he does, makes lots of sense to him. And some makes a lot of sense to me. But it is way too fast sometimes, way too hard to catch that breath before the next splash into the water.

He says I am too conservative at times, he says I just don’t understand at times, he knows that I love him, and although he rarely expresses what non verbals he feels, I know he feels the frustration at times, and I know he knows that I do love him.

I feel helpless at times, I can not assist with the challenges that this rush of energy gives when it hits. It is long spells in between, and until now , it never had a real name. Without a name, without a support system that understands what is going on, let me tell you this ride is scary. This time , however, we have a social worker, we  have a family doctor , we have family and friends, we have our kids, and I have a boss that is very compassionate. Those components are crucial to surviving this challenge.

I want to be the best I can be, I have to be careful not to get smothered by the lack of time to breath at times. If anyone is reading this, who has lived in a life such as this, you will probably have parallel experiences. I have a 25 minute ride to work and back, that is my “me time” right now, or I practice singing various songs, that can be my “me time”. Closing the bathroom door and taking a shower, or reading a book after he lays his head to rest, or last night just ironing after he had gone to sleep, these are all times for me. He hits the ground running ( well not figuratively because his leg is shot) but mentally, I get up and I feel like I am riding in a car  that is going 90 miles a hour, I have my head sticking out the window and rubber pylons are whacking me in the face, yep- that is sometimes how it feels. Would I change my life? No, I would not, because inside this man, there is the most compassionate person I think I have ever known, he has a rough outside at times, but he is sensitive, and his “family” is all that matters to him. He loves his family, his kids, his kids spouses, his pets, his mom, his sister, (and even his brother ) His outlook on life is at times filled with a gentle innocence. He is hard to get to know, if you are just passing though, but take some time with him, and there are so many angles, so many deep thoughts, it has taken me only 23 years, and I am still learning. So for those going through this, be patient, be supportive, and listen , for there are many things being said , and you don’t want to miss a thing. May peace be with you and yours. With love, Cindy